Destro

Weapons manufacturer and supplier

Wearing a giant ruby brooch says, "I have a lot of confidence about my masculinity."

Destro brought a lot of class to Cobra. He was educated, well dressed and shiny. He was the Kojak of the G.I. Joe universe. Who else could wear a three-pound ruby brooch and still kick some tail? The Destro figure came with a small backpack that opened up to reveal a smaller weapons cache. The weapons didn't come out, of course (that would've been sweet). They were molded into the backpack. It was a neat touch but wrongheaded. Destro should've come with a gigantic crate of weapons. After all, his company is one of the world's leading weapons manufacturers and suppliers. Cobra is a massive organization. There is no way their first meeting could've gone well.

Destro: Good to meet you, Cobra Commander. I've brought the weapons.
Cobra Commander: Excellent, I'll send a squad to help you unload the crates.
Destro: No need.
Cobra Commander: Oh, you have your own men unloading the crates?
Destro: Er...no. We Scots are quite lazy.
Cobra Commander: Right. So the weapons are...where, exactly?
Destro: Right here.
Cobra Commander: That's a Jansen backpack.
Destro: Weaponspack. Yes.
Cobra Commander: That's a Jansen backpack worn by 80 percent of all incoming freshmen.
Destro: Weaponspack.
Cobra Commander: Tell me there's an interdimensional portal in there that holds the crates of weapons I expected in the first place.
Destro: I'd love to tell you that.
Cobra Commander: Good.
Destro: Of course, I'd be lying.
Cobra Commander: Wha-? I...I...hey, quit ogling the Baroness.
Destro: Heh, I'd love to cock and load her arsenal if you know what I mean.
Cobra Commander: I do, and you're fired.
Destro: It was worth it just to drop the "cock and load her arsenal" line. Y'know? Eh? Get it? Eh?
Cobra Commander: Guards, have this man raped by a rhinocerous.

Left: Destro's original backpack--...er, weaponspack. Right: what he SHOULD have come with.

James McCullen Destro is one of a long line of Scottish lairds who sold arms to the highest bidder regardless of ideology. His business would eventually become Military Armament Research Services (M.A.R.S.). Destro's business operated similarly to Cobra's. Both would instigate revolution and sell arms to both sides. It was never clear why two obvious competitors hung out so much. Pepsi and Coke don't wrap their arms around each other going, "Hey dude, let's fulfill the consumer's artificial need for tooth-dissolving soft drinks TOGETHER!" No, they hate each other. I'm guessing the relationship was more like Cobra handled front companies and other illegal business dealings while M.A.R.S. handled the armament side.

I never quite understood Destro's metal head. One of his relatives received an iron mask as punishment by the British king for supplying arms to the enemy. Since then, facsimilies of the mask were worn as a totem of pride. It's supposed to be a hollow mask...kinda like Dr. Doom. The cartoon, the figure and the comic, however, all give the appearance that it is a metal skin. Either way, I bet Destro has some serious acne. Metal polish and bare skin don't go together well. Poor guy. It explains a lot about his crush on the Baroness. She can't see his dreadful complexion once her glasses fall off in the heat of passion. Or maybe she LIKES the feel of his metal head between her legs. That could be how his helmet stays so polished.