Cobra Commander

Leader of Cobra and way better than Serpentor

by Dave McAwesome

The cartoon version of Cobra Commander was much less imposing than the character's bio. He was bumbling, incompetent and cowardly. It never quite meshed with the backstory of a man who raised hundreds of millions of dollars, possessed the personality to woo a vast underground network of supporters, and dared the fashion tastes of 7th Avenue with his silver face plate.

This is a man who led men. On the cartoon, however, he was Colonel Klink. It never made sense. His screeching voice (Chris Latta, who also did Starscream in the Transformers cartoon) was doubly out of place. I felt bad for cartoon Commander. I even rooted for him a few times. Poor guy deserved a break.

In the comic, the cartoon and the toys, he was usurped by Serpentor, a genetic amalgamation of history's greatest leaders and generals. Serpentor talked like an idiot, finishing each sentence with, "This I command!" Imagine him at a gas station. "I need 20 bucks on pump 3, and gimme a Slim Jim and Super Millions Scratch-off too. This I command!" What a tool.

I began to think of Cobra Commander as the Prince Lotor of the G.I. Joe world. In Voltron, Lotor had cool decisive plans, but King Zarkon was too narrow-minded to deliver the killing blow. In my professional opinion (as president of McAwesome University and highly qualified cartoon psychologist), Zarkon was afraid of success. He grew comfortable in his role as Voltron's punching bag and feared the changes in his life if he scored a single victory. Like Lotor, Cobra Commander was Cobra's raison d'etre (which is french for 'raisin feces'). Cobra Commander raised the money. He recruited the armies. He voiced grand dreams. Serpentor and Zarkon were do-nothing aristocrats.

In my personal story continuity, Serpentor was more of a field commander. Cobra Commander still led the whole show. He was more engaging. Serpentor was annoying and had worse fashion sense than Dr. Mindbender.

There were several different figures released. Unlike Snake-Eyes, who got lamer and lamer as each version progressed, Cobra Commander's figures were generally pretty cool. The original metal face plate one ruled. The hooded commander was second. I liked that a lot because he had the swivel-arm battle grip. My metal face plate mail-in figure didn't have that feature. The third version was the Cobra Commander in Battle Armor figure. I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me. In the comics, a Crimson Guardsman (Fred VII) built the Battle Armor for Cobra Commander. When the big snake decided to retire from the terrorist business, Fred shot him in the back. Knowing few people had ever seen the Commander's real face, Fred donned the armor himself and took over Cobra Command. This (among other events) led to the Cobra Civil War. I didn't know any of this when I got the figure (technically, I think it was my brother's figure). I didn't like the idea of this Fred character, so I treated the figure as if it were Cobra Commander. The file card bragged about how invulnerable the suit is. "Combines flexible bullet-proof polymer fabrics with beryllium steel plate components." The card also contradicts the comics by stating Destro's MARS made the suit (and also by omitting any suggestion that someone other than the real Cobra Commander is wearing it).

Hasbro released a new Cobra Commander face plate figure in black military dress (I think it was released just before all the 25th anniversary stuff). If you get me one, I'll be your friend for life.