Elephants are Evil

Part 1: The threat is revealed.

by Zach Whalen

The other day I realized Elephants are taking over the world. It may take a while to explain how I came to this conclusion, but bear with me.

Okay, first of all, Elephants are huge. I don't understand how anyone could like Elephants, because they are so goddam big. All I hear are environmentalists complaining about how the "corporate fat cats" and "evil poachers" are hurting the Elephants so much. Environmentalists, you have been brainwashed.

The only corporate fat cats I see tearing up our environment are Elephants. They have absolutely no respect for any life on this planet other than their own. They grow extremely big and take up all the room they can, leaving very little room for the rest of us. And get this: Elephants actually crush shit. Bugs, monkeys, trees; they have even been known to crush human babies from time to time. And yet all you environmentalists complain that their habitat is in danger. Give me a break. Fact: the top ten most environmentally damaging corporations have Elephants sitting on their board of directors! Elephants work through middle men to gain control of our most powerful corporations, buying up stock and gaining positions of influence. They then use their corporate powers to decimate wildlife habitats and get filthy rich in the process. Of course, they have to make it look like they are in danger too, otherwise the masses would begin to suspect something. When it comes to Elephant habitats, they scrape a little dirt there, cut down a couple trees, then they turn around and say they're homes have been utterly destroyed. Of course everyone buys their story, because Elephants control the media, but I will discuss that some other time.

And poachers? So-called "poachers" are just out there trying to make a living, and they have been demonized by the Elephants. You see, the ivory tusks of an Elephant have healing powers. This has been known to many cultures, probably even since the dawn of time; however, Elephants spread their propaganda to discredit this truth. Why? So they can keep all the ivory to themselves. They don't want us to get any, because they want to keep our population under control with disease. What disease, you ask? AIDS. Have you ever noticed how crazy AIDS is in South Africa? Ever notice how there are also so many Elephants living there? Coincidence? I think not. The Elephants created AIDS and HIV in a secret lab. To make sure none of them got AIDS, they created an antidote and hid it in their tusks. After all, who would supect the wise old Elephant? The writing is on the wall, people. Poachers are heroes.

Obviously we have all been brainwashed into thinking that we are the ones responsible for all this environmental destruction. How is it that we cannot see the truth, when it is right in front of us? Elephants have played their cards so well, they are now in control of our minds and our freedom. We can not allow this to continue. We must fight back if we hope to survive. Next time I will discuss how Elephants have used the media to brainwash us into thinking they are our friends.

Go to Part 2.