The Maximum Awesome Awards

The 2006 End of Year Wrap Up, part 1

by Adam Brown

It's that time of year again. Ah, the holiday lights, the first snowfall, the noisy clammering for attention from every magazine, newspaper, website and "entertainment" news show while they hand out awards for every C-list actor and pseudo-celebrity happening in the previous 12 months. The only problem is, they don't know awesome. As luck would have it, we do. We even know un-awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2006 Maximum Awesome Awards.

The Whore Of The Year Award: There was a time when commercialism was the enemy of rap music. That ideal was dealt a final, crushing blow in late September during the halftime broadcast of NBC's Sunday Night Football. Jay-Z came out of retirement to premiere the video for "Show Me What You Got," the first single from his comeback album "Kingdom Come." As if premiering a rap video during a football game wasn't whorish enough, the whole thing played like one long Budweiser commercial. That's probably because it was. I don't know much, but I do know this...black people don't drink Budweiser. Who exactly was he marketing this to? That question was answered about six seconds into the "video" when it was revealed that the driver of the sports car "Jigga" was seated in was none other than NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jay-Z, for so blatantly attempting to be the first rapper to corner the 18- to 35-year-old redneck demographic, I'm proud to crown you Maximum Awesome's Whore of the Year.

The "Please God, Why?" Award: It was bound to happen. I first saw the commercial on Comedy Central and, to the very end, held out hope that it was some kind of Mad TV skit. But it was not. It was a commercial for "Guys Gone Wild," and it was quite real. Sure, the thought of liquored up frat boys exploring their innermost bi-curious tendencies on camera to the dismay of their backwards-hat-wearing brethren is in many ways hilarious. But that's not enough to make the barrage of commercials that we'll be subjected to in the coming months any less unsettling. Please God, why indeed?

The Nobody Rides For Free Award: The scam is up Pluto! For centuries you've been hanging out on the fringes of the solar system soaking up all the glory that comes with being a planet while doing nothing to deserve it. You never hear of aliens invading from Pluto; it's too far to travel. Not once has some mysterious face shown up in satellite images of Pluto. There aren't even any pretty rings! It's just a pompous little rock, floating around with an army of Plutons at its side like some rapper's entourage. The Earth has had enough, thank you very much. In 2006, we finally did something about it. No more planet status for you! Instead of wasting time on things like curing cancer or ending global warming, the scientific community finally put their collective power into a meaningful endeavor. Because of their hard work, future generations will know Pluto as a cartoon dog and nothing else. Hey, Pluto, find a real job already!

The Please, Just A Few More Minutes Award: Earlier this year, renowned street magician and all out weirdo David Blaine submerged himself in what appeared to be a large snow globe for a few days in an effort to break some kind of ridiculous record. At the end of his watery stint, his plan was to unhook himself from his oxygen source and hold his breath for nine minutes. Unfortunately, somewhere around the seven minute mark he started convulsing and rescuers dove in to save him. I say 'unfortunately' not because he failed to break the record, but because of the fact that there were rescuers on hand to save him. If you really want to impress me Dave, redo the stunt except, this time, drown at the end. If you can do that without me maniacally laughing the entire time, well, THAT would be magic.

The Who Are You Calling Boring Award: As a life-long opponent of a child's right to leave the house, there are few things more exciting than the thought of a swarm of yellow jackets randomly attacking a group of 20 school kids on a playground at recess. Imagine my surprise when it finally happened in, of all places, Boring, Oregon. Boring my ass, that's entertainment! Sounds like somebody is due for a name change. "Welcome to Excitement Town, Oregon! It's been 32 days since our last deadly attack of biblical proportions!"

Part 2 is here