The Final Two

Boxing my ears

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest is--hey, where's Seacrest?! Why is the "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" Guy on my TV screen right now? Oh God, this is some kind of boxing metaphor. Why is this show trying to hurt me? I've always treated it with kindness. Well...mostly. Rumble Guy calls this "the fight of the century." While I'm generally opposed to boxing as a so-called sport, I would pay good money to watch Cook and Archuleta beat the living crap out of each other, if only because in the end, one of them would cry.

Anyway, the two boys come out wearing robes and boxing gloves. Cook hams it up, bopping around and throwing punches at the air. Archuleta looks like his daddy dressed him in Rocky jammies for naptime. This is American Idol. Isn't it?

We see the Top 12, Luke Perry, and the Sorority Girls of the Aryan Mosh Pit before even getting a glimpse of our Ryan. Guess he was running late, applying his eyeliner. He asks the fans to cheer for their favorite David, and Little David gets a slightly louder response. Syesha is still cheering for herself.

Seacrest explains tonight's format. Each David will sing three songs. Then the judges will blow smoke up their asses. Then we will be asked to vote. He runs a video clip of Jim Lampley, some boxing analyst guy. Throughout the episode, Lampley examines the two contests in boxing terms, but if you think I'm recapping that, you are on the weed. We see the two Davids, prepping for battle and talking about "the match." It's like watching those personality profiles they run between Olympic events. You know, those things that everybody fast-forwards through? Exactly. Zip, zip. What's next?

Clive Davis looks like one of those things that fell off the Cloverfield monster. He'll be involved in some capacity tonight. They act like he's still a bigshot, even though Sony BMG totally demoted him in April, and nobody takes him seriously, anyway. Then Andrew Lloyd Weber shows up. Throughout the evening, he'll be advising the boys on how to sing like a Jellicle cat. About which, will singing ever actually happen in this episode? Not yet, I'm afraid.

The two Davids step out and chit-chat. How did they prepare for tonight? Little David rehearsed. Rocker David had to find the right energy. Amazing! The judges offer their advice. Randy says the guys need to "leave everything on the floor." Paula tells them to "soak it up." But Randy wants it left on the floor, Paula. This is all so confusing! Simon tells the Davids to hate each other (the way America hates them).

So, yeah...there are three rounds of songs. The first song will be chosen for the contestants by Clive Davis. He knows music, having been alive since Al Jolson sang in blackface. (Hey, seriously, I think Ryan is wearing eyeliner.)

David Cook goes first, performing U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." It's a by-the-numbers Cook performance. The lazy, slack-jawed opening verse, followed by shouty-shoutness. He brings nothing new to the song, and it's ultimately forgettable.

Judges. Randy says it was "a great way to start off this duel of 2007." Yes, Randy, 2007. I can't wait to hear what Blake Lewis is going to sing tonight. Paula says "we have found David Cook," proving that, if nothing else, her eyes are functioning. Simon says that David looked tense, but the performance was phenomenal. Except for that whole part where it wasn't.

Little David performs Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." It's everything you might expect. Vocally lovely, but visually whatever, and, in the bigger picture, not much of anything at all. The audience screams like they're sitting on razor blades. If only.

Judges. Randy says it was "flawless and unbelievably molten hot!" Paula got the chills "up and down her arms." She should put on a sweater. Simon says this performance was arguably Little David's best so far, and, because Simon likes doing such things, he announces that Round One goes to Archuleta.

For the next round of songs, the two Davids were given a list of America's ten favorite submissions from this year's songwriting competition and allowed to pick one. So...are these losing songs? Or will the winning song be determined by its pairing with whichever Idol wins? Clarity is your friend, Seacrest.

David Cook sings something called "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton. It's a little on the up-tempo side, but fucking pronounce your words, Cook! I can't handle it. This song...it sounds like a TV theme tune. Like if they remade Silver Spoons for today's audience. It's catchy, but empty. And since every David Cook song is almost exactly the same, I sorta don't care.

Judges. Randy says that David sang his face off. Paula, in a roundabout way, says that David took a song we didn't know and made us fall in love with it. He did? We do? Simon, using the boxing analogy, calls the performance "lightweight." Then Paula shouts out, "But that wasn't the winning song!" So don't blame Cook if it sucked.

Little David performs "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore. Remember "A Moment Like This" from Season One? How about "This is My Now," from the 2006 season? This song is those songs. "In This Moment Like This Is My Now." It's more melodic than Cook's choice, but it is an orchestra full of crappity crap. Archuleta sings it with buckets of sincerity. As much as I would hate it if he were a phony-baloney showbiz kid, I find it even more unsettling that David seems to buy into this treacly stuff. These songs that he sings, he actually enjoys and believes in them. That's just wrong.

Judges. Randy wasn't crazy about the song, but he says that David could sing the phone book, blah, blah. Paula says David is on fire and it is pure magic. Simon says the song was much more in keeping with the night, and gives Round Two to Little David.

For the final round, the boys will chose their own song.

David Cook choses "The World I Know" by Collective Soul, which he hasn't performed on the show before. Does he take a hit of novacaine before he performs? What the fuck?! Ugh. Use your damn mouth, David Cook! Okay, this performance is fine. It gets better as it progresses, but again, it's nothing special. There's nothing noteworthy about it, and the song sounds pretty close to the original, both in terms of the arrangement and Cook's execution. Then, when it's over, he cries.

Judges. Randy likes that we're seeing different sides of David Cook tonight. We are? The only time we saw a different side of him was when he sang that song from Phantom of the Opera about being gay in the sewers of Paris. Tonight's side was the same as all the other sides. "I think this is the kind of record you could make and get by with." Heh. Get by with. That's funny. Paula notes that David is "standing in (his) truth." The truth that he left on the floor, but which he's supposed to soak up at some point. She compliments his originality, because she hasn't turned on the radio since 1989, and then she gives him a standing ovation. Simon calls David a nice guy, but says the song was "completely and utterly" the wrong choice. Hmm...I wonder who Simon wants to win.

Little David sings John Lennon's "Imagine," which he performed on the show earlier in the season. It feels like a cop-out. Sing a new damn song, kid. It's annoying, but it probably won't affect his votes, so whatever. The first time he sang this, during Top 20 Guy's Night, he almost made me cry. Now, I'm like, "Next, bitch!"

Judges. Randy says Little David is exactly what this show is about: taking an empty vessel of a human being, filling it with musical plastic, pretending it's relevant to American culture, and then abandoning it on the side of the highway when it fails to meet expectations. Paula says David was stunning. Simon says we've witnessed one of the show's greatest finals, and calls David's performance "a knockout."

But wait! There's more! Ruben Studdard, who is sweating bullets from the very instant he appears on stage, performs "Celebrate Me Home." That's been our clip reel song for every evicted Idoleer this season, although I don't think I've ever mentioned it. It was that important to the show. As Ruben sings, we're treated to flashbacks of this season. Among them: Kyle Ensley getting his Golden Ticket before the judges kicked him in the nuts, that lispy Samoan hippy dude, the chick who fell down during her audition, Homeless Car Boy, and things of this nature.

So who wins tomorrow night? The souless-but-lovable teenager or the so-called original, who sings covers of covers? Honestly, I don't think I care very much. I've never bought an Idol-related CD, and this season isn't going to change that, so I guess it all comes down to game play. Despite what they keep trying to feed us, this show is as much about talent as Flavor of Love is about romance.

Little David knew how to push the voters' buttons. He sang songs about American glory and the Lord, and talked about how he cares about the plight of the homeless, while seemingly genuinely aw-shucking his way through four months of competition. People respond to that stuff. Especially dumb people. Rocker David was a poor man's Daughtry, and somehow managed to sing other artist's remixes while the judges gave him credit for creativity. And...he had interesting hair.

Unless something goes seriously haywire, I expect Little David to win. Start gearing up for his Breaking Bonaduce-type VH-1 reality show, people. It's twenty years away, but it will be worth the wait.

Float like bee, sting like a butterfly...
-Frank