Top 3: Results

No girls allowed

by Frank Pittarese

The show started early, so while I'm not sure what Seacrest actually said at the start, I'm sure it went something like this: "After months of bad performances and lame-duck theme nights, we're left with three unfortunates ready to sell their souls to the Great Devourer. Tonight, somebody goes home, leaving behind two people who will go on to achieve modest amounts of mediocrity. One of them, certainly named David, will win the season. Because, are you kidding?" This is American Idol. Not compatible with Macs.

Group Sing. The Idols perform "Ain't No Stopping Us Now," and they sound almost good thanks to the background singers whose mics are turned way up. There's some goofy Electric Slide-ish choreography involved, which only Syesha seems comfortable with. Cook takes the shame. And Archuleta always does what he's told, or he gets the belt. They bring the performance into the audience, wandering all over the place. I spot an actual black girl in the Aryan Mosh Pit. This is shocking to me, till I find out that Fantasia will be performing tonight. Nice of the producers to add some diversity up there for her sake. All or most of the ex-Idols are present in the audience: Irish Carly, Australian Michael, Brooke, Chikezie, etc. Even Luke Menard is there, taking a break from his gay porn auditions. Okay, just wishful thinking there.

Ford Ad, sung to the tune of "Heaven." Not the Bryan Adams ballad or the Warrant song, but some other thing I've never heard before. While hiking through the woods, the three Idols discover a fortune teller's tent. Inside, a creepy fortune-telling puppet with a TV monitor shows them their future. Syesha will be rich, prancing around a huge mansion and posing before her gold record collection like an R&B Nora Desmond. Little David will play a grand piano in his back yard, next to an enormous swimming pool. He will be allowed to come inside when Daddy says he can come inside and not before. Rocker David will own a lot of cars and guitars, but he will still have bad hair. Then the fortune-telling puppet from Hell dispenses three car keys to the Idols. Naturally, they take them because they've never seen an episode of the Twilight Zone and don't understand that they are Death Keys. Exiting the tent, they find three Ford vehicles waiting. They gleefully take them and drive away. The lesson here is: never give an Idol the keys to your car because you'll never see it again. Also, and more importantly: don't trust fortune-telling puppets!

Okay, then Fantasia comes out and sings her new single and she's channeling James Brown after drinking three bottles of batshit crazy and there's dancing backup singers and Fantasia is not making a lick of sense and there's red hair and stomping and booty-shaking and screaming like a banshee and you better clap or Fantasia will fucking will cut you and Simon watches with his mouth agape and it is awesome a hundred times over.

In other news, Jordin Sparks is on a stamp. Please don't injure yourself rushing to the post office.

Hometown Visit: Little David goes to Utah. David is assaulted by cheerleaders and screaming girls. Maybe a couple of boys, too. And some scary old men in trench coats. He's interviewed on the morning news, but he doesn't have much to say because he's young and he only just started learning big words and speaking in complete sentences. He goes to the mall, where a legion of fans await, including a girl sporting a beehive hairdo and a boy dressed like the Unibomber. A bunch of girls literally try to rip David's arm off, but security gives them the business. Then David cries and says "gosh" about five hundred thousand times before driving in a motorcade with his mom, who is dressed like Jubilee of the X-Men, and meeting the mayor, who looks like a rodeo clown. The mayor declares May 9th "David Archuleta Day" and I'm totally fine with that as long as I don't have to buy anyone a gift.

Hometown Visit: Syesha goes to Florida. There's less fanfare than Little David got, but what did you expect? She makes the rounds on the morning news shows and visits her old school. Then some giant white lady forces Syesha to take her infant. Seriously, Syesha is going, "I can't! I can't!" But the lady is all, "Here! Here!" And she foists the baby into Syesha'a arms. It's like the story of Moses, y'all. Such a sacrifice! But Syesha eventually gets away from the lady, and she's like, "That bitch is crazy!" Like Little David, Syesha gets a day named in her honor. And like Little David, this drives her to tears. Actual real tears. From Syesha. Then she visits her family and her dad is like, "I used to do drugs, but now I don't, because Syesha is on the Idol." Don't put away your pipe too soon, Pops. I'm just saying.

Hometown Visit: Rocker David goes to Kansas City, Missouri. News choppers track him to the local Fox station. David does the weather and then gives a quick radio interview. Next he performs a mini-concert and signs autographs for the masses. Some girl weeps at the very sight of him. He visits his high school music teacher. Children scream. He rides in a parade with his brother, Andrew. Andrew is kinda geeky-hot. And he has a normal-sized head, which is always nice. David cries a little. Finally, he throws a ball at a Royals game. Sports. Ugh.

Elimination Time. The three contestants stand side by side. Little David. Syesha. Rocker David. "After fifty-six million votes, America has decided that the two people going head to head in our finale next week are...David Archuleta...and...David Cook." I register no surprise, but I would have loved for Archuleta to have gone home, if only for the drama of it all. But I can live with this.

Syesha sings herself out with her Alicia Keys song from last night and she is gone. Finally.

Next week, the boys compete in some regard, and then there's a two-hour finale which I promise you will be full of more nonsense than we had during Idol Gives Back, but without as many poor people.

Weeping with joy...
-Frank