Top 4: Results

As if you don't know who's going home

by Dave McAwesome

Still filling in for Frank. Nope, I don't care that I missed the opening group song.

Bring out Little David Archuleta. "What was your game plan?" Ryan Seacrest asks. Well, coach, I was going to follow the pulling guard through the C gap and hope I can beat the linebacker to the hole. David Archuleta, the next Ken doll once Barbie gets bored, smiles and shrugs because he hasn't yet invested in one of those ear-piece things that news anchormen use to hear instructions from their puppetmasters. David A. is safe tonight because there are no snipers in the audience.

Next there's a production segment comparing this fab four to the Beatles. That's fair except one of those fab fours wrote their own songs which revolutionized music for decades. Other than that, yeah, I can hardly tell the difference. Which one's Ringo?

The group goes to a Vegas show which incorporates the Beatles songs. They hold out backstage passes and say, "We're going to meet the cast." Except…they look condescending. Like the cast should come on out and meet them instead.

Back in the real world, David Cook is called to the stage. Randy's advice? Be yourself. Helpful. He's safe. Jason Castro and Syesha Mercado are on the chopping block (but it's not a real chopping block, because butchering a human being on television would be illegal).

It's barely 9:25. They're gonna drag this out 35 minutes? Even JC asks, "We're doing this now?" Jason, pal, seriously, switch to the regular, carcinogenic cigarettes for a week. Just to de-bake, y'know? He's the most lovable pothead since Floyd from True Romance. Yes, Jason, we're off to commercial.

Ford ad. Johnny Cash. "Ring of Fire." The fab four are dressed like matadors. Mentally retarded matadors. Actually, they don't look unlike the real fab four from Sgt. Pepper. The bull is a mustang. That is to say the car--a Ford Mustang--is playing a bull. I don't get how ad execs have high paying jobs and I'm here writing a goddamn recap.

Back to the show. Idol Gives Back has coerced the once proud United States Postal Service into producing Taylor Hicks stamps.

Call in. A 24-year-old girl asks David Cook for a date. She offers to show him around Pittsburgh. "Ever been to Pittsburgh?" she asks. I have. That'll take about five minutes. Cook's expression tells me he's already imagining himself in court asking the judge for a restraining order against a crazy Pittsburgh-ette. A 14-year-old girl asks the four Idols what their biggest challenge to overcome has been. Syesha answers, "stage fright." Archuleta giggles and says he doesn't know. JC says, "brain being dead." Sir, I do not exaggerate. One caller thinks Simon could be the next James Bond. Yep. And Oprah can be a Bond girl.

Guest star. Maroon 5. See Jason? They're going to drag this out until 9:55. Have you not watched the show before? You know what else? Let's see what's going on in South Park. Cartman pretends to be Butters' robot friend, AWESOM-O. Flip back. Someone is holding the Maroon 5 singer's testicles backstage and is squeezing. Fem.

There was a commercial for the Sex in the City movie a couple of breaks ago. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that Sarah Jessica Parker is ugly, and all the characters on that witless show are shallow and empty. Thank you. I feel better. Oh hey, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" is still on?

Bo Bice performs. Wow. I thought he was in jail for distributing weed to Jason Castro. He plays guitar like I play saxophone. I can't play the saxophone, by the way. Double wow. He uses the Frampton vocoder. Where are Beavis and Butthead when you need them? This guy sucks. He's not dripping with lice, though, so that's a positive.

Okay, let's hang somebody. Jason and Syesha stand next to Seacrest. "Someone told me I shot Mr. Tambourine Man," Jason confides. "It was pretty funny." Me and JC could hang, yo. I mean, assuming I could put protective plastic on my couch first. I don't know what the hell's in those dreads. To no one's surprise, Jason is booted. He shoots the sheriff again to play us out and...what's this? Sanjaya Malakar says it's 10 p.m. and wonders where my kids are? Weird. Whatever. Another South Park is on.