Top 5: Results

Crying like a conifer

by Frank Pittarese

Only five contestants remain. In an hour there will be four. Paula still sees eight, of course, but what can you do? This is American Idol. May induce seizures or blackouts.

Seacrest doesn't know if last night's show was the strangest, but "it certainly was the fastest." It still cost me an hour of my life, bub.

Group Sing: A Tribute to Neil Diamond. Jason starts things off singing that song about hitching a ride on a poor man's lady and a twilight train or whatever. Archuleta gets a solo. He sounds like a fish gasping for air. The others join in. You'd think that with fewer people singing it would be easier to harmonize, but not with this crew. The girls wave their arms about like maniacs. David Cook gets a solo, but I don't know if it's the same song or a new one and he sounds like he has a dildo in his mouth, so what does it matter? Okay, now they're singing a new song. I use the term "singing" loosely here. Brooke sings about weeping like a willow. I see Foreshadowing has picked up a microphone. Hey, buddy! All five contestants do the pee-pee dance. They should really be allowed to go before the show starts. Another song. They sound like a bunch of drunken fools at a keg party. Which is where I wish I were right now instead of watching this train wreck.

Seacrest chats with ex-Idols Contantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen. He totally snubs Ace Young, sitting directly in front of them. Love 'em and leave 'em. That's Ryan.

And now, an important announcement from Mr. Seacrest: "Last night, the judges were thrown a curveball, which is just part of a live show. But it sparked a lot of gossip about Paula...just for the record, the rumors, they're not true. She's part of our family, and we love her." There's been a lot of talk about Paula's, ahem, error last night. And while it's true that the mid-show critique was thrown at the judges unexpectedly by the network, there's no real defense for Paula, who said, and I quote, "I thought you sang twice!" It doesn't matter if her notes got mixed up or she was rushed. It doesn't matter if she heard the contestants singing during rehearsals. She was sitting there, live, in her chair, and watching the show unfold. So they can love Paula all they like. I love her, too. But I still call bullshit.

Meanwhile...

Jason Castro is safe.

David Archuleta is safe.

Next, we're treated to a lengthy preview of So You Think You Can Dance. Please trust me when I say that this show is five hundred times better than Idol. And don't get me wrong, I dig Idol, when I'm not wanting to kick it in its veneers, but SYTYCD is legitimately good. Like The Office, it's TV that you have to watch, with your actual eyes, rather than turn on for background noise. I totally support that. So check it out, bitches.

Meanwhile...

David Cook is safe.

That puts Syesha Mercado and Brooke White in the Bottom Two.

Natasha Bedingfield comes out to sing about how she's got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine. Then she climbs up on Little David and gives him a chubby on national television. Seacrest encourages David to ask her to the prom, the audience howls, and even I'm like, "No moleste!"

Ford Ad, to the tune of "Catch the Wind," whatever the hell that is. This one is green, for her pleasure. The Idols drive to the ghetto in their Hybrid. Then they walk around, and trash magically collects itself and trees bloom and everything becomes bright and colorful. Then the crackheads chase them away.

Neil Diamond sings his new song, "Pretty Amazing Grace," which is like a sequel to the hymn, I guess, but it's about a girl instead of the Lord Himself, and much less catchy. I can totally see Jesus rocking out to this while enjoying a doobie.

Results. No muss, some fuss...Brooke is going home. Tears, tears, tears.

The History of Brooke. Being wholesome at auditions. Being a nanny back home. Playing the piano at various points in time. Meeting Dolly and Andrew Lloyd. Spazzing out during Beatles Night. Doing schtick with that Princess Leia freak from auditions. Randy being a fan. Mariah. Neil. Dancing a little jig. "It's beautiful...an amazing moment in my life."

More tears as she sings herself out. There may be some snot involved. Seacreast wiping Brooke's eyes. Brooke saying thank you to all of us, but to me, specifically. In a perfect world, she'd be in the final two with Little David. Or Rocker David. I could handle that. But nope. Brooke is gone. Weeping like a willow.

Next week: Songs from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Will Archuleta sing the works of Black Sabbath and The Clash? One can only hope.

Three more weeks...
-Frank