Top 5: Neil Diamond

Patriot games

by Frank Pittarese

"The glare of the spotlight and the pressure of constant exposure have already taken its toll on some," Seacrest intones. The five remaining contestants stand behind him, shooting up heroin and sniffing coke. "Will anyone lose their cool tonight?" No, but Paula will lose her mind. This is American Idol. Just say no.

Seacrest says that we're still "reeling" from Carly Smithson's eviction last week. Reeling. Seriously? She watching from home tonight, he says. Apparently, she's a security risk. "Please don't let your favorite go the same way," Ryan says. How should we let them go home, Seacrest? Through interpretive dance?

Tonight, we're told, is all about twos. Each contestant will have two phone lines dedicated to their votes, and each will sing two songs. They will also suck twice as much. The musical mentor is Neil Diamond, like he matters to anyone aside from my dad.

Clipfest. Who is Neil Diamond? Some old dude. He ran around in the 1970s writing pop hits while sporting a terrible comb-over and wearing shirts made of tinsel. You may know him from such tunes as "(Turn on Your) Heartlight" and "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," neither of will be heard tonight. Neil is thrilled to be here tonight to guide our Idol hopefuls -- and to promote his new album, in stores May 6th.

The contestants all meet Neil, and I'd say that maybe three of them actually know who he is. Jason and Syesha do a good job of pretending. Neil gets maybe thirty seconds of screentime with each Idol, and each segment amounts to the same thing: he tells us what the kid will sing, and then he says something kind. I'm overstating how exciting that was to watch.

Seacrest announces a format change. The contestants will be judged after they sing their second song. Don’t fuck with my sensitive mind, Idol.

Jason Castro starts with "Forever in Blue Jeans," playing his guitar and putting a slight country spin on the song. It makes me want to listen to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song. The performance is bland and boring. This kid has really overstayed his welcome. Once you get past the happy hippy stoner thing, there's not much there.

David Cook's first song is "I'm Alive." I don't know this song, but then again, I'm not yet receiving Social Security checks in the mail. It's a very generic rock song, almost to the point of sounding like an artificial one. You know, like when you're watching a reality show and they can't afford to use a real song, so they hire a wedding band to record a song that sounds vaguely like the real one, but which is different enough to not get them sued. It's like that. David sings all raspy. Then he sings all shouty. Then it's over.

Brooke White opens with "I'm A Believer," which Neil wrote for the Monkees. She sings it like she's got to get somewhere in a hurry. I would complain, but the faster Brooke sings, the faster this episode will end. This was a little mundane, with a pinch of meh.

David Archuleta starts off with "Sweet Caroline." Y'all know how I love my Little David, but this is not the right song for him. The karaoke comment gets thrown around a lot on this show, but there's no better way to describe this. It's immediately forgettable.

Syesha Mercado sings "Hello Again." She's barefoot, because she's "keeping it real." She's also sitting on the edge of the stage, but we can barely see her thanks to the Mosh Pit of Skinny White Girls waving their skinny white arms. I hate the Mosh Pit of Skinny White Girls. They offend me on a visceral level. Syesha is wailing about calling to say hello or some shit. I don't know. She's insufferable. Is it over? It's over.

Hey, remember when Seacrest said we'd hear from the judges after the second song? Big lie. They're doing it now.

Randy. Jason was just okay. Rocker David was in the zone. Brooke was karaoke. Little David was the bomb. Syesha was strong, but not amazing.

Paula. She's frazzled because she "had to write these things down." She loved Jason's lower register on the first song. Lower register? First song? He was missing his usual charm during the second song. Second song? The two songs made her feel like he's not fighting hard enough to stay in the competition. Two songs?!? As sparks shoot out of Paula's ears, Randy is like, "They only sang once, sweetie." Paula says, with a straight face: "Oh my god, I thought you sang twice!" Everybody talks at the same time, in a desperate attempt to save Paula's "totally sober" ass. Then she says that she was actually reading David Cook's notes and that he was fantastic. But wasn't she just saying how he was missing his charm? I need some of what Paula "isn't" drinking.

Simon. Jason was forgettable. Rocker David was just above average. Brooke was a nightmare. Little David was amateurish. Syesha was old-fashioned.

Round Two...

Jason Castro on "September Morn." Dull, listless, and sleep-inducing.

Judges. Randy thought it was an okay, whatever performance. Paula felt it was safe and Jason should get outside his comfort zone. Simon says both performances were forgettable.

David Cook on "All I Really Need is You." If Nickelback ever needs to replace Chad Kroeger, they need look no further. Make of that what you will.

Judges. Randy says David rocked the house. Paula is proud of David and says she's already looking at the American Idol. Simon thought it was brilliant.

Brooke White on "I Am I Said." Playing the piano. Sounding like a female Glen Campbell. Channeling her inner Carly Simon. Pretty good, actually. And she remembered all her words.

Judges. Randy likes her behind the piano, and congrats her for singing such a tough song. Paula says something about the first song, right after Idol Gives Back, and "that whole video" (I have no idea), before saying that everyone loves who Brooke is. She is, after all, Brooke White. Simon says it was a million times better than the first song. "Well done."

David Archuleta. Singing "America." With the American flag waving behind him, for Christ's sake. Does the quality of his singing even matter? "My country tis of thee/sweet land of liberty." Those are actual fucking lyrics in this song. Then, at the end, "Let freedom rinnnng..." That is not an actual lyric in this song. I'll tell you what, Little David (or his dad) knows how to play this game.

Judges. Randy says it was another good performance. Paula wants to "see the prodigy and the little savant...I love you, you were brilliant, have fun." She is a wonder. There are no flies on Simon: "That was a smart choice of song. That was clever."

Syesha Mercado closes the night with "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime." Thank the Lord it's almost 9:00, more like. This is an up-tempo joint. It has hand-clapping in it, which I enjoy. But then Syesha is singing and acting fake-sexy and fake-sassy, and I wish her great success in the touring company of Chicago or whatever, but she needs to move the fuck on.

Judges. Randy liked Syesha "in this" and says she's also in the zone. Paula calls Syesha "Brooke" before critiquing her. Is there any point in saying more? Simon says that Syesha demonstrated that she is a very good "actress-slash-singer," but adds that she could be in trouble tonight. Syesha asks why, and Simon is like, "Do the math. There are five of you, and the Davids are safe." There's a glimmer of annoyance in Syesha's eyes, but she covers it with her pageant smile and that's that.

Tomorrow, five become four, Neil Diamond returns, and Natasha Bedingfield sings a song I will no doubt fast-forward through.

Of me I sing...
-Frank