Top 6: Results

When Irish eyes stop smiling...

by Frank Pittarese

Last night, the contestants sang the Broadway tunes of Andrew Lloyd Webber. That was actually the best thing the show could do for them, since it's pretty likely that at least some will end up milking their fifteen minutes on stage, as we'll soon see. This is American Idol. Break a leg.

"Over 38 million votes came in," says Ryan, before introducing the judges and kissing Simon on the head. It's okay. He's kissed him in worse places.

Group Sing. The Idols perform "All I Ask Of You" from Phantom of the Opera. Carly was supposed to sing this last night, but Webber made her sing "Superstar" instead. That was a fine suggestion, as it turns out. Anyway, the Top 6 are still struggling to harmonize after all these weeks. The boys sing daintily. The girls sing disjointedly. Andrew Lloyd Webber plays piano. Everyone gathers around. Brooke, Syesha, and Jason have huge smiles on their faces, as if the song is about getting a puppy for Christmas. I think Abigail Breslin is in the audience, cheering them on. Her bid to become the new Dakota Fanning failed miserably, so she might as well spend her time watching this dumb show.

Seacrest interviews Andrew Lloyd Webber, who tells us that singing on TV is different from singing on stage, but this is live TV and that makes everything different. You've got to watch your mannerisms. "Oddnesses," he calls 'em. Like Little David singing with his eyes closed. That is an oddness. Syesha's very existence? Also an oddness. Should Brooke have stopped singing, as she did last night? Webber says that losing your way happens. "It happened on the panel a couple of times," he snarks, totally referring to Paula's gooble-gobble critiques. Did all the Idols take his advice? "I don't think Jason would have taken my advice, whatever I'd have said." This guy must be a hoot after a couple of cocktails.

Ford Ad, to the tune of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love." Little David is drawing a comic book. The other Idols act out those scenes, live action-style, driving around in their Ford vehicles and wearing scary white contact lenses. It's not clear if they're supposed to be possessed punk rockers from the future, or just people who like shopping at the Mad Max bargain bin. They drive around. Carly operates a giant robot/power loader thing, except that part is illustrated. At any rate, Little David somehow ends up inside his own comic. And then comic book Brooke and comic book David Cook somehow arrive at Little David's studio, where he's "drawing." It's less like A-ha and more like A-Wha??

The President and Mrs. Bush make a videotaped appearance to congratulate the show for its Idol Gives Back efforts. I am not even going to entertain their flavor of bullshit. Moving on.

Seacrest tells us there won't be a Bottom Three tonight. It's just a Bottom Two. That format change is probably the result of hours of production meetings.

The two Davids are called forth. Cook sang "The Music of the Night," which Randy described as a molten hot lava bomb. Archuleta sang "Think of Me," which Simon called weak and forgettable. Both are safe.

Filler. Where do ex-Idols go to die? Broadway. Diana DeGarmo has been in Hairspray. Fantasia Barrino and LaKisha Jones starred in The Color Purple. Season Four's Tamyra Gray is currently appearing as Mimi in Rent, which will close in September, so enjoy it while you can, Ms. Gray. Clay Aiken is in Spamalot, which you could not pay me to see. They take us behind the scenes of their respective shows, acting like they’re not at all settling for whatever fame they can get.

Filler: The Sequel. This chick is the number one artist in the world. And in America. Singing "Bleeding Love" is Leona Lewis. Who the hell?? Wikipedia don't fail me now! Okay, she won the third series of The X Factor, a U.K. talent show, much like our own Idol. This song is her second single, and it was the biggest-selling single of 2007 in the U.K. The song just hit number one in the U.S. this month. Regardless, I don't know who she is. But she looks like Beyoncé had a baby with Celine Dion, and she stands all bowlegged, like she has to tinkle. The song is okay, I guess. Generic pop. I don't get how it's as popular as it is. The chorus is catchy, but whatever. There's better bubblegum at the candy store.

Syesha and Brooke are called forth. Brooke is doomed, I tell you. Syesha sang "One Rock & Roll Too Many." Paula said her performance brought the house down. Brooke sang "You Must Love Me." Then she stopped singing it. Then she sang it some more. Paula, a living example of vocal perfection, took this as a personal insult. Brooke is safe, people! Safe! Syesha is the first half of tonight's Bottom Two.

Carly and Jason are called forth. Carly sang "Superstar." It was one of Simon's favorites of the night. (At this point, he whispers to Paula, "It's probably the kiss the death.") Jason sang "Memory" from Cats, and learned that the title of one of the longest-running shows on Broadway actually does have something to do with its content. Randy accurately called it a train wreck. Jason, astoundingly, is safe. Carly rounds out the B2.

Syesha and Carly both re-sing their songs from last night, which I am not interested in re-watching or re-recapping.

Results. After a nationwide vote, Syesha is...safe. Carly is going home. Wow. Not even Jesus could save her.

Flashbacks of Irish Carly. Holding her golden ticket and sobbing because fame has eluded her for so long. Singing in a variety of ugly dresses. Dancing with Syesha. Touching the Mariah, hugging the Dolly, kissing the Andew Lloyd. Photoshoots and things of this nature. "America is the place of opportunity...the American dream. I think this in itself is an accomplishment. I feel like I've won already." Yeah, except for this part here, where ya lost.

Next week: Neil Diamond. Song Predictions: David Cook on "Sweet Caroline." Archuleta on "Heartlight." Castro on "I'm a Believer." And Brooke on "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." I don't care what Syesha sings. She annoys me.

Heading into the homestretch...
-Frank