Top 7: Results

Grouper pooper

by Frank Pittarese

We're down to seven contestants. It's almost over. "Your votes are in," says Seacrest, channeling his inner Heidi Klum. "Who is out?" More importantly, who cares? This is American Idol. Payment is due upon receipt of this bill.

Random facts: The fat, naked dude from Borat is in the audience. Paula is dressed like Mrs. Howell. And, in the wake of the Michael Johns incident, Randy Jackson is dead to me.

Group sing. The Idols perform Mariah Carey's "One Sweet Day." Am I supposed to know this song? I feel like I'm letting down my fellow homos by not knowing any of the Carey's works. Ah, whatever. I know the lyrics to all of the songs in Sondheim's Into The Woods, so let's call it even. Jason Castro has thirty seconds of solo time and spends most of them trying to find the right key. Kristy Lee Cook does well, except for the constipation faces she's making. The Idols' hand gestures have all been synchronized. That doesn't look too ridiculous. I think this song is about dead people. If there's ever a live-action Muppet movie, David Archuleta should play Scooter. If I were Carly, and my tattoos were that ass-fugly, I would not wear a sleeveless top. I'm just saying. The Idols harmonize, by which I mean they howl like rabid wolves at the sight of raw meat. I have no doubt that Mariah's original recording sounds the same, so I salute this performance for its accuracy.

Jason Castro is called forth. It's that time of the season where two groups of contestants are formed: the Kinda Sucky (or Safe Group, if you prefer) and the Bottom Three. Jason starts a group.

David Cook forms another group. Hmm. David is popular. That could be the safe side.

Carly Smithson, after telling Simon he's been hard on her (which must be terrible after being pimped with endless personal clip reels since the audition round), is sent to Jason's group. Yeah, I think those are the sucky people.

Kristy Lee Cook, beaten into humility, is sent to the David Cook group. Curious. Either she did really well or his supporters bailed on him.

Ford Ad, to the tune of Queen's "I Want To Break Free." Queen is really making a dollar off the show this year. The Idols are working in cubicles. Worse, they're marionettes, working in cubicles. Hey, at least they're not mimes. Syesha sharpens pencils and Kristy answers phones. Then Ford vehicles pull up outside the building, and the Idols use scissors to cut their strings and escape. Syesha uses hers to stab everyone in the back. The moral of this ad is: if you're going to run with scissors, for God's sake have a car.

Eliott Yamine returns to the show to blind us with his veneers and sing "Free," which...is about being free. I'll go easy on Elliott because his mom just died, but dude looks homeless. Shave and haircut, my boy. Shave and a haircut. Two bits.

Syesha Mercado is sent to the Jason Castro group.

Brooke White is sent to the David Cook group.

Ain't nobody left back stage but Little David. Do you see where this is going?

Idol Q&A. Question: why does this segment exist? Answer: so that I can skip it and watch Big Brother all the sooner.

Mariah Carey comes out to sing "Bye Bye." She proves that she's just plain folk by waving around her diamond-encrusted, monogrammed microphone. I think this song is also about dead people. "Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins/this is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers." There are none so creative as those who rhyme "cousins" with "grandmothers." Or who sing about their "peoples."

I'd go see this Speed Racer movie, but I think it will give me seizures.

Okay, so the groups are as follows:

Group 1: David Cook, Kristy Lee Cook, and Brooke White.

Group 2: Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, and Jason Castro.

David Archuleta is summoned. Then David Cook is told to swap places with Syesha. I don't want to type the groups again, so do me a favor and imagine that bit, okay?

Next, in the American Idol tradition of sadistic manipulation, Little David must choose which of the two groups is the safe one. In other words, "David, tell us which of your friends suck the most." So he does exactly what Melinda Doolittle did last year: he sits on the ground. (Note to next year's Decider Idol: when asked to go to the safe group, run over to the judges table. Seacrest's head will explode.) The audience howls like they've never seen such a thing. Ryan blows three or four circuit boards because David refuses to get off the floor. Then Seacrest goes to Group 2 and tries to coax little David over there. The boy still won't budge. Try offering him candy and videogames, Ryan. I hear that works. Now Ryan drags all of Group 2 over to the still-sitting David, and David Cook joins his fellow-contestant on the floor. Jason sits, too. Carly remains standing, for fear that her skirt will rip and we'll see her lady leprechaun. These four are safe.

The Bottom Three are Kristy, Brooke, and Syesha.

Syesha is sent to safety because the universe hates me.

It's down to Kristy and Brooke. Hmm. This can go either way, but Kristy forgot to sing about America or God last night, so she's going home. Kristy saw the writing on the wall many, many weeks ago, so she seems okay with this turn of events.

Flashbacks of Confederate Kristy. Riding, then selling, her "really good barrel horse." Making Hollywood. Making Top 24. New footage: jumping in a pool after making Top 24. Looking pretty at photo shoots. Boxing, dancing, singing. Getting the kiss of death from Mariah Carey. "It's been a crazy ride." And a boring one, Kristy. So, thanks.

Next week, the Top 6 sing Andrew Lloyd Webber. Anybody taking bets one whether Little David sings "Memory" from Cats?

Breaking free...
-Frank