Top 7: Mariah Carey

You can't stop the muzak...

by Frank Pittarese

The Top 7 Idols are all lined up on stage. David Cook, relieved that Aussie Michael is gone. Carly Smithson, looking witchy. Jason Castro, looking high, high, hiiiigh. Syesha Mercado, smiling fakely. David Archuleta, sporting a faux-hawk and wearing clothes from the K-Mart discount bin. Brooke White, wondering when her number will be up. Kristy Lee Cook, not even freaking out over this stuff anymore. This is American Idol. If line 9 is larger than line 10, subtract line 10 from line 9.

My computer is still in the shop, so I'm wingin' it on a make-do machine. As a result, this recap will be a shortie. That's a happy coincidence, because this episode sucked eggs.

Tonight's musical mentor is Mariah Carey, famous for singing pop songs and dressing like a hooker. Seacrest says she's recorded more number one hits than Elvis, which is both shocking and sad. It's also a little unbelievable. I've never heard most of the songs performed tonight, and I can't imagine that future generations of human beings will know half of them. Elvis has nothing to worry about.

So all the Idols meet Mariah, who is literally dressed like Olivia Newton-John when she gets trashy at the end of Grease. Did I spoil that for anyone? Sorry. She's also a little puffy in the eyes, like she just rolled out of bed. And she's wearing a candy bracelet on her wrist. Have I painted a picture? Good. Onward.

Each Idol gets their little mentor moment with Mariah, and each moment amounts to the same thing. "You have spirit. You're getting to the true meaning of the song. Why don't you sing this in a pair of short-shorts." She also gives them musical tips. "Try changing keys at this part of the song. That part might work better in a lower register. Sing this part like a dying whale."

David Archuleta is awed to be in Mariah's presence. He's awed to be in anyone's presence who isn't his father. He's singing something called "When You Believe" which I'm told is from the Prince of Egypt soundtrack and which I'm also told won an Academy Award. I promise you, two years from now, Little David will be starring in Broadway's The Little Mermaid. Probably as Ariel. FYI, he's wearing ill-fitting leather pants. The song is forgettable. The performance is typical of David's inspirational style. That's getting tired -- but hey, he knows how to stay in his box. The judges universally love it.

Coke Interview. Carly lets us know that with jokester Michael Johns gone, life has been boring. These other bitches just ain't funny. Tune in tomorrow when Carly appears, sporting a black eye.

Carly Smithson sing's Mariah's "Without You." The song was originally recorded by Badfinger and made famous by Harry Nilsson in 1972, but who am I to split hairs? The song is a power ballad, and Carly struts her stuff by taking most of the power out of it. A curious and possibly fatal decision. But the song is familiar, and that might save her. Randy doesn't think Carly trusts herself. Paula enjoyed that Carly made the song her own. Simon is like, "Thanks for trying, sweetie-darling."

Syesha Mercado is singing something called "Vanishing," which Mariah wrote herself, as a teenager. I don't know the song, but from Syesha's performance, I'm willing to bet that she's mimicking the original. She does a lot of runs and then goes for some really big notes towards the end. The audience cheers, but I thought she was screechy and overwrought. Randy thought she did a good job on it, "all things considered." Meaning, considering how Syesha normally sucks. Paula thinks it's smart that Syesha picked a song nobody knows and calls her "magical." Simon says that the performance was technically good, but he doesn't think it was smart for Syesha to choose an obscure song. The more obscure Syesha is, the better. That's how I feel.

Coke Interview. American Idol wouldn't let Brooke attend her sister's wedding on Saturday. But they did allow her to receive a text message. Twats.

Brooke White sings "Hero," which I kinda think I've heard in passing. I really do not dig the collected works of Mariah Carey, y'all. This crap is one step removed from muzak. Brooke does what she does, playing the piano and singing in her way. Vocally, she's not great. There are quite a few bum notes and some pitchy moments, but it's an inoffensive two minutes. Randy liked the first half, and then he's like, "Ahh...not so much." Paula informs Brooke that "every ounce of you is totally authentic to who you are, and that's a beautiful thing." The more you know, eh? Simon says the performance was like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun. And Simon is a man who likes his meat.

Kristy Lee Cook sings "Forever," which, whatever. Kristy's lower register is a little on the ass-tastic side, but she improves when she gets to the belty parts. This song has a bit of a 1950's vibe to it, and the arrangement is almost Patsy Cline-ish, which is definitely in Kristy's wheelhouse. Honestly? This is not terrible. Randy didn't think it was amazing, but says that Kristy stepped up. Paula was blown away, but a gentle breeze could do that to her. Simon says it was whiny and not great. This whole show is whiny and not great, Cowell. What's your point?

David Cook will sing "Always Be My Baby." Do I know this song? Take a guess, Dear Reader. David is back-lit, which is probably best for all parties involved. He does what he does, singing all mumbly into the mic, till the rocker lights flare up and he yells and screams and carries on like Daughtry with a little "d." But it's mildly entertaining, especially after all this dreary, faux-sentimental lite pop. Randy gives David a standing ovation. Paula says the song could be in a movie soundtrack. Um...okay... Simon says that it was a breath of fresh air after a night of karaoke hell. "It was original, it was daring, it stood out by a mile." David starts crying, but I'm not sure if that's due to the compliments or because his cancer-stricken brother Adam is sitting in the audience. Seacrest doesn't bring it up -- which is interesting because it would generate huge amounts of sympathy votes -- but Adam has brain cancer, which has spread to his spine, and was flown in on a chartered medical jet to watch his brother perform. So the tears have more to do with that than Randy's dumb ovation. Or, like I said, he's just relieved that Michael Johns is gone.

Jason Castro sings "I Don't Want to Cry." Okey-doke. Mariah helps Jason with the melody while he munches on her candy bracelet. On stage, he performs his ballad and, little by little, gets closer to actually singing instead of doing his usual folksy sing-speaking thing. This is all right. Randy felt like he was at "a weird beach luau." Paula thinks Jason is getting "in that zone." Helpful. Simon agrees with Paula, or rather, with the essence of Paula's positive remark. Then he says the guys totally won the night, because now this is The Apprentice, and it's all about the males vs. the females. Pipe down Cowell, the show's over.

Tomorrow, we lose another soul. Unfortunately, the Bottom Three can't hold five, but maybe it's time for a rule change. I'm guessing Carly, Syesha, and Kristy for B3. Maybe Brooke in place of one of 'em. And Carly goes home.

I didn't vote for Brooke, so she should be safe.
-Frank