Top 8: Results
Charity is not a lengthy visitor
by Frank PittareseLast night, the competition was put on hold "in the name of good," as Idol gave back. I'd like to put Seacrest's faux-hawk on hold, also "in the name of good." This is American Idol. It wants no straps.
Ryan lets us know that "we" have raised $60 million so far in the fight against poverty, malaria, illiteracy, and Bono. Then he introduces the Top 8 for the Group Sing. Before I go off on a rant, I should let you know that they already performed this song last night. Unfortunately, because Teri Hatcher had to sing and because Robin Williams had to do whatever the fuck he does, the show ran ten minutes long, and many viewers missed the closing number.
Anyway, they're singing this song called "Shout to the Lord," the first line of which is: "My Jesus, my savior..." Look, I am totally down with most of this show's shady dealings. The producers and the judges manipulate the viewers. The contestants manipulate the judges. It's all a great big circle jerk and that's terrific. One thing I am not down with is the show pushing any sort of Christian agenda in my general direction. Unless they're being ironic or performing selections from Godspell, I do not want to hear the Idoleers singing to Jesus. If they want to sing to Jesus or pray to Jesus or text message Jesus, they need to do that shit on their time, not mine.
Dear Show, there are people of non-Christian faiths watching this performance right now. There are also faithless heathens watching this performance right now. So regardless of how well-harmonized your little players are, Dear Show, kindly keep the Holy to yourself. Besides, if I really want to hear about the Lord, I can watch Sherri Sheperd on The View.
In the afterbirth of Idol Gives Back, Disney Channel's Zack and Cody want us to donate money. They don't have last names, apparently, and, like Tinkerbell, if we stop believing in them, they might die. Then there's an asstarded montage of various "celebrities" dancing and lip-synching to The Monkees' "I'm a Believer." Among the dozens are that guy from Sex in the City, that guy from The Shield who played Ben Grimm, two Spice Girls (but not the one who's married to David Beckham), Eddie Izzard, Kat Deeley and that useless Kim Kardashian and her mother.
In other news, Brooke White is safe. David Cook is safe. And David Archuleta is safe.
Dr. Phil wants our money and needs a good kick in the teeth. Ricki Lake want our money and wants us to know she's still alive.
Poverty Piece. Forest Whitaker is still walking the streets of Angola. He talks to some blind guy with three kids who beg for money and live in what's practically a cell and all of whom sleep on a shitty foam mattress. But hey, we just saw Rob Schneider lip-synching to a Monkees song, so no worries. Forest Whitaker is going to have a nervous breakdown if he stays in Angola for one more minute. A portion of the IGB proceeds should go to sending Forest some plane fare home.
Chris Brown and last year's Idol winner, Jordin Sparks, would like to sing their latest single for us. That's very nice for Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks. When she's done, the show throws Jordin some awards for the most downloads or some shit, and a gold record. These awards look like somebody made them in their basement. "American Idol works," Seacrest says. Sure it does. Just ask Taylor Hicks when he passes by in that ice cream truck he's driving.
Ford Ad. The Idols sing "I Just Want to Celebrate" and throw paint all over the ground by the bucket-full. Then they drive through the paint in their Ford vehicles. I think they shot this at Thunder Road, seen in that famous historical documentary, Grease. In the end, it turns out the Idols have painted the planet Earth. The moral is: nothing does more for the environment than spewing gas fumes and dumping paint on the ground.
Meanwhile...
Jason Castro is safe. Seriously? Kristy Lee Cook is safe. Seriously?
Our Bottom Three are Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, and Michael Johns. I...don't have a good feeling about this. On Tuesday, I voted for Michael. Five times. And that never turns out well.
Jim Carrey wants us to donate money and I really do not care. I just want to know about Michael Johns. Then Fucking Bono shows up and starts talking about his sunglasses or some crap. Then rambles on about the glories of America, a place where he is not from, and he introduces "all three (Presidential) candidates." Hilary Clinton is wearing that damn red suit again. They've got great bargains at Macys, dear. John McCain looks embalmed. I know the dude has had a rough life...prisoner of war and all that...but a little spray-tan goes a long way. Barack Obama reminds me of Tuvok from Star Trek: Voyager. He's totally getting my vote, unless Shatner decides to run. All three of these rich people want us to donate money. Psshh.
Results. "After the nationwide vote...Syesha and Carly, you are safe." Michael Johns has the lowest numbers of votes. There is a great deal of boo-ing coming from the audience, because seriously? This is bullshit. I don't know what happened, vote-wise, but I'm tempted to call shenanigans. All I can think of is that because Michael is old, relative to the other contestants, he just didn't pull in the votes. They're going to Cook, the younger rocker who the show is supporting as being "original." But whatever, this is bullshit. And Randy had a hand in this on Tuesday, with his "don't sing rock songs, you're a blues guy" bald-faced lie. Bah.
Seacrest continues. "Last year, during Idol Gives Back, we didn't eliminate anybody at this stage of the competition." Pause. "Tonight..." Pause. "We're gonna say goodbye to Michael Johns." Fuck this show right in the eye.
Flashback of Australian Michael. Playing tennis. Playing guitar. Singing in Hollywood. Making the Jesus arms. Randy, saying out loud, "I always feel like I'm seeing a true-legend, rock performer." Randy Jackson is an asshole. Thumbs up at the airport. Photo shoots. Hugging the Dolly. Making gooby faces, being a dork, and totally winning me over. "It's the opportunity of a lifetime." You know what else is the opportunity of a lifetime, Michael? Winning Australian Idol. Go do that, and tell Randy Jackson to suck it.
Meanwhile, I'll start voting for Syesha...
-Frank
