Idol Gives Back 2008

Thanks, Reese Witherspoon, you've fixed everything...

by Frank Pittarese

There are 3,000 people crammed into the Kodak Theater, and 300 bajillion more watching from home. I don't think anybody in Africa is watching. And that's the truly unfortunate thing. This is Idol Gives Back. Money changes everything.

We open with a production number. It's some kinda techno-funk thing. There are dancers and -- whoa! Those are ex-contestants from So You Think You Can Dance! Yay! There's Travis! And Dimitri! And Cedric! And Lacey! And Donyelle! Okay, I can sit here and name half a dozen more, but you really don't care. I, however, am giddy over this. Now the Idols come strutting out, and there's this big crossover happening on stage. The Idols sing and the Dancers dance and this is about five kinds of awesome happening all at once and I can't even hate on anybody or anything. Unfortunately, there's another two hours and twenty-five minutes left, so that will change.

NASCAR guy Jimmy Johnson wants us to give money. So does George Lopez, who wants us to give money in Spanish. Kylie Minogue wants us to give money, too, but nobody in America knows who she is, so that ain't gonna happen.

Maria Shriver takes the stage with about fifty volunteers and people in wheelchairs. Wow, this woman has a hard face. It's none of my business, but if she eased up on the eye makeup, it would do wonders. The volunteers...I dunno...they need money to help the poor or something. Maria quotes Ghandi and says she's proud to stand with these volunteers, except for the wheelchair ones, in which case she's proud to sit with them. Does she want money? I think she wants money. She's talking about too many things too quickly for me to absorb anything. And her face is making me think of The Wizard of Oz. Whoops, she's gone. Oh, well.

Ben Stiller thinks he's funny and he wants us to give money. He's not and I'm not going to.

Jennifer Connelly appears in a short film where she and some kids fill up jugs with dirty water, which she then serves at the dinner table. I'm pretty sure it has poop in it. A caption reads: "Imagine drinking this." Give me 5K and I'll do more than imagine it. Then there's another caption about how one-point-one billion people don't have access to clean water. "Help," it says. Now they want me to send clean water? I wouldn't even know how to ship something like that.

Snoop Dogg comes out and performs something. It's not really a song, in that no singing is involved, but that's how he rolls. Snoop wants the audience to wave their arms in the air, and they do, because we are a nation of lemmings. A bunch of six-year-olds join him on stage for his rap, which is about the streets and his mama and "whatnot." I love a good rap about whatnot.

Kobe Bryant wants money. I want to know what's up with that Band-Aid on his face. Is he trying to be like Nelly? Wrestler Triple H wants money, and I'm almost frightened enough to donate. Almost.

Randy and Paula take the stage to introduce their Poverty Piece. Paula makes a speech about how "staggering" it is that nearly a third of the kids in America are overweight or obese. Randy says things are even worse in poorer areas, where the skinny, hungry kids live. Here's an idea: feed the fat ones to the skinny ones. Problem solved.

They visit Goshen Elementary school, 180 miles from the Idol studios in L.A. All the windows of the school are boarded up, like they've been trying to keep the vampires out at night. The per capita income is less than $9,000 dollars a year. Kids don't go out for fear of drive-by shootings. Gangs run rampant. Gangs of vampires? The children don't have parks or public swimming pools. But Save the Children helps the kids with reading and gives them fruit. Here's an idea: give them guns so they can shoot the gangs of vampires. Problem solved.

In some weird skit, Teri Hatcher, as her Desperate Housewives character Susan, catches James Denton, as his DW character Mike Delfino, fixing the pipes under Carrie Underwood's dressing room sink. That is not a euphemism. Terry/Susan is all, "If you're gonna steal my man, I'm gonna steal your song." Then she walks out on stage and sings "Before He Cheats," as Denton's band, Band From TV, backs her up. Band From TV features Denton, Greg Grunberg from Heroes, the hot dude from House who used to be on the Aussie soap Neighbours, and Bob Guiney, former bachelor from The Bachelor. Hugh Laurie, House from House, is also in the group, but he's not here tonight, because he has dignity. Teri's singing isn't bad, which is nice because she sings the whole fucking song. Still, don't give up your day job, hun.

Mary Murphy, a So You Think You Can Dance judge, vows to scream until we donate money. I vow to fast-forward past Mary Murphy. The Jonas Brothers want cash, too. Tell you what, Jonas Brothers? Make out with each other and we'll talk.

Billy Crystal comes out to remind us of the fact that he's not very funny. Miley Cyrus comes out to remind Billy that she's (sadly) relevant, that she does not know who the hell Billy Crystal is in this world, and that Billy Crystal is an old man. This "witty banter" goes on for a good five minutes. Then Miley Cyrus sings some song about broken chains which sounds exactly like the kind of song you would expect to hear from someone living in the House of Disney.

The Top 8 Idols appear to be answering phones as viewers call in to donate. Also answering phones are Stripper David, Ramiele, Chikezie, and Amanda Overmyer. I'm tempted to call in the hopes of getting Syesha on the phone. Then I'd be like, "Is this Syesha? Oh never mind. I'm not donating anything. Because of you." A little bit of evil gets me through the day.

Fucking Bono hosts a Poverty Piece about a lady in Africa whose three children all died of the AIDS and now she goes around helping orphans, some of whom also have the AIDS. Some little HIV girl talks to the camera and asks for help, which Fucking Bono then promises she'll get from America. Unless, of course, these donations don't go to her specific house or local clinic. Fucking Bono, changing the world, one empty promise at a time.

Julianne Moore would like some money. And a stylist.

Fergie performs a song which is a little Broadway-ish and not at all hoochie. Good for her. Then she introduces Heart, who perform "Barracuda." As you know, I'm not a fan of the Heart. But they rock it the hell out. Ann Wilson sounds better now than she did twenty years ago, and Nancy...well, there she is, playing the guitar. Things almost go off the rails when Fergie joins in on the vocals, but ya know what? This Fergie can sing. She totally holds her own next to the Wilson sisters, even doing a crazy, gymnastic double-flip at the end of the song. Very entertaining!

Wrestler John Cena wants money. He's a generic-looking fellow. I would believe he had any of these occupations: singer, actor, athlete, or porn star. Adam Sandler wants money, too. I would believe he would have any of the following occupations: gas station attendant, sanitation worker, or that guy who tries to sell you hot jewelry out of his pocket.

Peyton and Eli Manning introduce a segment about their trip to New Orleans. I'd like to see them make out, too. I think the producers are missing many an opportunity tonight. A little gay incest would make 'em a nice dollar. And if Idol is truly giving back, that is what I'd like to receive. So the boys go to New Orleans, and kids recount the horrors of Katrina, and everybody's just trying to put their shit back together while holding their shit together, and it's a big mess that's bigger than this damn, self-congratulatory show. There you go.

David and Victoria Beckham, still desperately trying to convince the United States that they are of some vague value, would like us to donate money. They need to go back to British.

Fucking Bono visits a kid in Africa whose parents died of AIDS. The kid keeps a memory box. Bono wants to look at the contents. Nosy bitch. Then he introduces Annie Lennox, who visits another kid with three siblings and no adult relatives in their lives on account of death by AIDS. She takes the lot of them to get tested for HIV and they all come out negative, so now all they have to worry about is starving to death or catching malaria and isn't that fucking relief? Annie Lennox is reduced to tears because of the world in which we live.

Then Annie Lennox sings an inspirational song on the Idol stage and it's quite beautiful. It's a shame she isn't as revered as, say, a Barbra or even a Whitney, because this woman has pipes. That said, I'd be thrilled if she would sing "Love is a Stranger."

Kiefer Sutherland, who has nothing to do now that he's out of jail and 24 won't return until January, wants money. But don't give it to him. He might go buy a bottle.

Celine Dion went to South Africa to touch some poor AIDS children. They’re like, "Who is this weird old man who keeps touching us?"

Jimmy Kimmel comes out and makes an endless series of jokes at Simon's expense, targeting everything from his personality to his clothing to his man-boobs.

Simon's Poverty Piece follows him to New York, where he visits an unfortunate family of four who live squeezed into two rooms. The mom has lupus and doesn't appear to be doing very well. The teenage daughter has rheumatoid arthritis and has to sleep on a sofa. The young son spent two years in a wheelchair and just got home with pins in his legs. They don't have health insurance and must rely on a mobile medical unit for their care. Basically, it's a clinic in a bus. "Donate, donate, donate," asks the mom, through her tears. Simon is very supportive and it's a little moving. Not as moving as last year, when that African lady totally died on him, but still not fun to watch.

Carrie Underwood sings George Michael's "Praying For Time." If you like Carrie, you'll probably like this. If you like George Michael, you're probably gay.

Whoopie Goldberg, on the set of The View, wants us to donate money. I guess the other four yentas don't care enough to beg. Ellen DeGeneres asks for money and leaves me wondering, for the second time this week, why people find her so entertaining.

Gloria Estefan and Sheila E. (that's right, I said Sheila E.) team up to perform "Get On Your Feet," about which: not everybody in the audience can be bothered to do so. Sheila knocks part of her drum kit to the floor. Was that on purpose? Whatever, she's Sheila effing E. She can do whatever she wants. Some So You Think You Can Danceers come out. There's Dimitri and Pasha. They've both got their shirts unbuttoned. Those boys love showing their chests. A lively performance.

Sarah Silverman gives a restrained introduction to a Poverty Piece about malaria. I know it's meant to be a somber evening, but couldn't she at least have dropped a little F-bomb?

Forest Whitaker and his wife went to Angola where babies and other people are dying of malaria. Like, one million people. All they need...well, one of the things they need are mosquito nets. To fight the bug, we must understand the bug. Mosquito nets cost ten bucks, and it's funny to me how, with all the millions of dollars this show raised last year (only half of which has been spent, incidentally), they can't have just bought enough fucking mosquito nets for everyone. If they're that cheap, this should not be an issue anymore.

Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, promises that Britain will pay for twenty million nets and he'll urge other countries to buy more. Also, maybe they can buy a few using what's in last year's Idol Gives Back cookie jar. I'm just saying.

Keith Urban wants us to donate money. He's Australian? I thought he was a country guy? How did that come about?

Reese Witherspoon visits a poverty-stricken family in New Orleans. All seven family members survive on what mom brings home from her minimum wage job. Mom cries because it is a fucking struggle. Reese is like, "We need communities. We need hugs." How does having this rich white chick talk about how everybody needs hugs help anything? I mean, at the end of the day, Reese goes home to her big house and her well-stocked refrigerator. Maybe she watches a DVD on her plasma TV while planning a shopping day tomorrow. These poor people will still be poor. Hugging Reese Witherspoon benefits nobody.

Oh, God. The Top 8 are singing "Seasons of Love" from Rent. Why are they doing this to me? I love Rent. Don't hurt it. For some reason, Syesha's mic is turned up, making her voice considerably prominent. And she sounds like ass. It gets a little better when a choir joins in, but...I've seen the show several times. And the movie. You don't need a choir. You just need to sing the song like you mean it. This is sung with absolutely no passion, and not even the vaguest understanding of what the song is about. It isn't a dirge, it's a celebration. So bad.

Dane Cook, alleged funnyman, introduces an Alicia Keys Poverty Piece. Alicia is the Global Ambassador for Keep a Child Alive, an organization that supports AIDS care and stuff like that. Alicia and her giant earrings drive around Africa. She tells us about all the orphans, and how old grandmothers are trying to support all these kids, begging from neighbors, borrowing money, and even digging graves. Alicia says, "If AIDS got half of the attention the media gives to celebrity dramas, this issue would be way on its way to getting solved." That's true, but you know what else might solve it? Condoms. I hate to rain on this pity parade, and I'm not saying that we shouldn't take care of the little orphans, but I'm bothered that all we're hearing about are ways of addressing the result of the problem, not the problem itself. If there's a reason why people aren't having safe sex, let's hear it. Because if there's a leak in your ceiling, you don't buy an endless series of buckets -- you fix the fucking leak. Otherwise, the roof will cave in. The roof is caving in, Idol. Stop telling us to buy buckets.

Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale are on the set of High School Musical 3. I'm so seeing this movie, like four or five times. They want us to donate money. As long as Ashley doesn't put it towards fixing her "deviated septum" again, well...no, never mind.

Miley Cyrus sings another song, "See You Again," and while it's of the same Disney kid-rock value as her earlier performance, this one is more fun to hear. Also, there are dancers, which help. I can understand why kids like her, but I've tried watching that Hannah Montana show and it's just awful. It's like watching Family Matters, but less funny, if you can imagine that. At least they had Urkel.

Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus go to Appalachia to visit some poor folk. Billy Ray needs to get a grown-up haircut. This one family lives in a dilapidated house, but the kids go to Save the Children's after school program and they're learning how to read and use a computer. Miley tells the kids that she loves her computer. The one she owns. In her nice house. The one with heat and running water. Then they throw some books at the kids and it's all good. Here's a thought: Miley and Billy Ray Billionaire. Each of you write a check for, say $100,000 apiece. Give it to the mother of these kids. You won't miss the money and you will change their lives. Because right now, the two of you sitting on their couch is not fucking cutting it.

Robin Williams comes out, pretending to be the winner of "Russian Idol." He sticks around, in-character, for four whole minutes. And if you think I'm recapping it, you are on the weed.

Rob Schneider asks us for money. Some for Africa. Some for himself. Because what the hell is he doing with his life? Tyra Banks wants us to donate, too. If there were time, she'd tell us how she used to be a starving African orphan, until she dressed up and went undercover as a Katrina survivor before revealing that until the age of 32 she was completely illiterate and lived in a broom closet where she suffered from malaria.

David Spade is apparently still alive, and he introduces Brad Pitt.

Brad, when he's not busy stabbing Jennifer Aniston in the back and fathering children out of wedlock, took a trip to New Orleans, where things are bad. He and an organization called Make It Right have plans of building some fancy-looking new homes on a big plot of land for Katrina survivors. The houses look pretty sweet. Then he walks out on the Idol stage wearing a pork pie hat and introduces a Daughtry clip.

Daughtry, the band and the ex-Idoleer, went to Africa and sang a song for the people, which, in the tradition of Carrie Underwood's visit last year, was certainly better than a sandwich, new clothing, or a home with an actual roof on it. Nothing makes starving AIDS orphans feel better than seeing white people carrying musical instruments. Yeah... Idol really knows how to give back.

In fact, they've given back too much. After Daughtry, the show went to a commercial, the clock struck ten, and my DVR stopped recording. I blame Robin Williams. Hopefully, I didn't miss anything important, but with my luck, this was the night Seacrest decided to end his career by taking his wang out on national TV.

If that didn't happen, tomorrow will be a results show. Last year, in the spirit of giving back, the contestants were treated to a non-elimination week. Let's all hope the show isn't feeling as generous this season.

Feed the world, eat the homeless...
-Frank