Top 8: Inspirational Song Night
Enter: the ukelele
by Frank Pittarese"You make the calls. You call the shots. Who will win your vote?" You will not believe how that played out in my house. This is American Idol. Contains no trans-fats.
This recap might be shorter than usual. My computer is dying, and I had to write this whole thing out in longhand. Appreciate it, yo. Tonight's theme is Inspirational Songs. I was afraid that would translate into Christian Rock, a brand of horror unto itself, but it seems to be more about songs that the Idols themselves find inspirational. So basically, they can sing "Mandy," if they're so inclined. Or "Push Push in the Bush."
Seacrest reminds us that tomorrow is the Biggie Size, two-and-a-half hour-long Idol Gives Back event. Um...yah? Then he says that there's going to be an hour-long results show on Thursday. Is he fucking kidding me? Four and a half hours of airtime is about four hours and fifteen minutes too much. My delicate fingers cry for mercy.
Michael Johns is singing Aerosmith's "Dream On" because as an Australian trying to become an Idol of the American persuasion, his dreams are coming true. Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Sorry. He's wearing an ascot again, from Charles Nelson Reilly's "Oh, Mary" Collection. The performance is mostly good. Michael's voice is powerful, and he's really putting his heart into it. The falsetto part is okay, too. He just barely squeaks by on that bit. I'm still not keen on his painful facial expressions or the Jesus arms he throws, but for a show opener, I have no complaints.
Judges. Randy doesn't believe that Michael is an "Aerosmith singer." I guess he's saying that MJ isn't a rocker. I don't necessarily disagree, but Johns has been doing this classic rock thing for a while. Remember the Queen medley in Week 11? "Light My Fire" back in Week 6? Why is Randy bringing this up now? Shut up, Randy. He goes on about song choice. Michael is like, "This song inspires me. My dreams are coming true." And Randy actually says, "This show is about being the best singer...not about dreams." I guess we've all been schooled, haven't we? Thanks, Bitchy McBitch. Paula disagrees. "You sound as good as you look. I think my chihuahuas are going to come join you on stage." By chihuahuas, she means her tits, which are desperately trying to escape her two-sizes-too-small halter top. Simon doesn't like Michael doing an "impersonation of a rock star." Fair enough, I've said that myself in the past. Then he flat-out calls Michael a wannabe. And all this hate? It's because the show is throwing its weight behind David Cook. But he hasn't performed yet, has he...?
Syesha Mercado is inspired by Fantasia Barrino's "I Believe" because if you believe in yourself, anything is possible. But nothing about Syesha is believable. Therefore, Syesha is impossible. I took a logic class in college. Syesha performs the song making "sincere" faces and "emoting" all over the stage. Her voice is okay. Screechy in places, but okay.
Judges. Randy says Fantasia has a connection with the audience, which Syesha does not have. Essentially, he's saying: "Girl, you ain't Fantasia, so don't even be tryin'." Paula calls the whole thing "beautiful," but her top is cutting off all circulation to her brain, so everything she says is suspect. Simon says that, technically, Syesha sang the song well, but it lacked emotion. Lacked sincerity, I think, is what Simon means.
Jason Castro is inspired by the Braddah Iz version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," because it's "about hope" and "dreams come true." Unless you're Michael Johns, in which case, don't dream! So there's Jason. On stage, strumming a frickin' ukulele like a hippie Tiny Tim. Awful doesn't begin to cover this. Is he high? He's getting the lyrics wrong. He's barely singing. Am I high? Is this really happening? Simply terrible.
Judges. Randy: "That was blazing, molten hot!" Okay. He is high. Paula loved it. Simon calls it fantastic. What the fuck?
Kristy Lee Cook will sing Martina McBride's "Anyway" because there's some verse about how you pour out your soul and if people don't like it, they can sit on an iPod and rotate. I paraphrase. Anyway... Kristy looks fabulous, and sings her song in a decent voice. This is better than how she usually sounds, I guess. And at least she's not singing about the Lord or American glory or things of this nature. But she sings for three hours and she bores me.
Judges. Randy says it was really good -- for Kristy. Heh. Paula says it was her best by far. Simon thought it was "very, very good, indeed." For Kristy.
David Cook is singing "Innocent" by Our Lady of Peace. Okay... The song's message, he says, is that everybody has a good side. This is true. Even John Wayne Gacy entertained children while dressed as a clown...when he wasn't killing people and shoving them in a crawlspace under his house. This is some broke down performance right here. Vocally, it's an overwrought hot mess. I can't make out a word David is saying in the beginning. Something about a nose job and cancer? What is this song? And can David not hear himself? Did he get a shot of novacaine before stepping out on stage? And why is he wearing Prince's grandmother's jacket? (It would look much better with a matching skirt.) Now, he's at the judges table, singing right up in Paula's crazy face. She's dancing, of course. Simon looks David Cook up and down, like, "What in God's name are you?" Then... then, David turns to the camera and sticks him palm into the lens. On it, he's written: "Give back." No. Oh, no.
Judges. Randy didn't quite get it. Paula calls David "the whole package." Simon says it was "a teensy-weensy bit pompous," and that it wasn't anywhere near as good as the last two weeks. Then Paula points out the hand graffiti, calling it "inspirational." Simon agrees. "It was a nice thing to do." If I draw a peace symbol on my ass, would that also be inspirational and nice? This crackhead show...
Carly Smithson will sing Queen's "The Show Must Go On" on account of...of what the song is actually about. She looks great. Her makeup is under control and she's wearing clothes that show off her figure. Vocally, she gets off to a good start, then something goes haywire and she gets a little pitchy. Then...I dunno...she loses her "oomph" towards the end.
Judges. Randy thought it was okay, but didn't hit the mark. Paula liked Carly's voice, but didn't feel a connection to Carly. This is because Randy used the word "connection" twenty minutes ago and now Paula wants to use it in a sentence. Simon thinks Carly oversang the song and lost control at the end. Yep. Carly honestly blames Simon for that. "I saw his face and I lost it in the middle of the song." She laughingly takes the blame and the shame.
Coke Interview. Little David practices singing early in the morning and late at night. He hopes he doesn't wake up the neighbors because he gets pretty loud. Swap out the word "practices" with "masturbates" and it's pretty hilarious. This has been "Fun with the English Language." Tune in next week, when Syesha talks about sticking things in her "pocket."
David Archuleta is singing Robbie Williams's "Angels." (Yay! He read my recap last week.) He chose it because of the song's message...that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, I'm not crazy about the performance. David plays the piano throughout, which is okay, but I think it distracts him. He's a little breathy. The pacing of the song is a bit off. It's not terrible, but this doesn't hold a candle to the original. That said, it's better than the Jessica Simpson cover. I'm grateful for that.
Judges. Randy: "That was your hottest moment, the whole season! Loved it, loved it, loved it!" Simmer down, Junior. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon loves the song and is amazed that it has never been a hit here. (Hint: the average American consumer is retarded.) He thought David was a bit nasally, but liked the performance. Then he says David will sail through the competition.
Brooke White finds inspiration in Carole King's "You've Got a Friend" because it's "a feel good song that makes people feel happy." Interestingly enough, this song makes me feel sad, but maybe it's just a nostalgia thing, since I was alive when this was actually on the radio. Ah...remember the radio? Brooke looks lovely. A tad retro in her pink print dress. Vocally, this is a solid performance. Brooke is never gonna raise the roof off this place, but there's a purity and a real sincerity to her voice which, hopefully, will carry her through.
Judges. Randy says it was okay. Paula seems to have liked the performance because her sister used to like this song. What can I tell you? It's Paula. Simon says it was nice. "A pleasant day in the park. Thank you."
No, thank you.
Nobody goes home tomorrow, because Idol will be giving back whatever the hell its been taking. But somebody leaves on Thursday. I think Jason Castro's time has come.
And by way of full disclosure, I voted for Michael Johns tonight. Five times.
Yeah, I know...
-Frank
