Top 9: Results

With a shine-shine here...

by Frank Pittarese

Tonight, nine become eight. Seacrest promises us a jam-packed hour. Technically, that’s true. It's just that this particular jam is a full of empty calories. This is American Idol. Feel the burn.

Group Sing. The Idoleers open the show with "9 to 5." The choreography is fabulously spastic. I love it. If you can find this on YouTube go, now, and watch. Clumsy, awkward line-dancing. Brooke White in fine voice. Ramiele Malubay looking like all of her clean clothes are in the laundry. Michael Johns wearing a Dolly Parton t-shirt and making the most of a humiliating situation. David Cook rubbing asses with Ramiele, except that his ass is at the same height as her shoulder blades. Everybody sitting all over the judges and singing. Simon getting a little too happy about Carly sitting on his end of the table. Carly at little too happy about Simon being happy.

After the break, everybody waits back stage to await their fate.

Michael Johns is called out. He loved singing Dolly. He's safe.

David Archuleta, looking nervous for some odd reason, is safe.

Carly Smithson comes forth. She's safe.

Hey, Peter Frampton is sitting in the audience, right behind the judges! I totally spotted him. It's a bit shameful that nobody addresses the man. I mean, it's not like there's any great lack of filler time on this show. At least he got a segment on American Idol Extra, where he went backstage to meet the kids (and Michael). David Cook thanked him for inspiration on using the voice box a few weeks back. Stop being respectful, Cook. It makes it difficult for me to hate you.

Filler. A country band called the Clark Brothers, who apparently won on Fox's Next Great American Band, are here to perform "This Little Light of Mine." My brother sang this in kindergarten as "This Little Gospel Light of Mine," but because he couldn't say "gospel," he said "dussbowl." Also, his version turned had a whole "Old MacDonald" riff to it: "With a shine-shine here/a shine-shine there/here a shine/there a shine/everywhere a shine-shine..." There was choreography, too. And that was my experience of listening to the Clark Brothers.

Ford Ad. The contestants sing Run-D.M.C.'s "It's Tricky," an awesome, awesome song. In the ad, all the boys, plus Syesha play basketball in a park against some shirtless guys. The other girls cheer them on. No matter how you slice it, it's sports, so I don't especially care. But I think the Idols win in the end. Hard to tell. The shirtless boys just vanish. Maybe Archuleta shanked them.

David Cook steps out. After last night's show, he was rushed to the hospital with high blood pressure and a bad case of the vapors. He's better now. And he's safe.

Ramiele Malubay gets her turn. She's proud that last night she was able to walk and sing at the same time. Ramiele is in the Bottom Three.

Kristy Lee Cook comes out, carrying a note that reads "Kristy's Seat" because she's convinced that she'll be sitting in the B3 chairs. I think she was trying for funny, but she's coming off as a bitter pill here. It's awkward. Seacrest doesn't know what to do, so the audience doesn't know if they should laugh. And the fact that Kristy actually is in the Bottom Three doesn't really help things.

Filler. A bunch of ex-Idols live in Nashville. Season 5's Bucky Covington (yay, Bucky!) is doing well. He's making music and looking like Jesus. Season 6's Phil Stacey has recorded an album and still reminds me of a C.H.U.D. Season 4's Bo Bice has had three intestinal surgeries and took a year off to recover. He's starting his own label, the musical equivalent of self-publishing, and has become a dad. Seacrest promises to track down more former Idols in the coming weeks. They can't hide forever.

Syesha Mercado didn't want to be compared to Whitney Houston last night. My brown eye. Whatever, she's safe again.

Brooke White and Jason Castro emerge to face their fates.

Jason is safe.

Brooke, for the first time, is in the Bottom Three.

Kristy and Brooke put their arms around each other as Ramiele nestles between them, in their armpits. Simon says this B3 is "absolutely right." I guess I agree, although if I could, I'd swap out Brooke for Syesha.

Filler. In Idol Gives Back, no one can hear you scream.

Filler. Dolly Parton comes out and sings "Jesus & Gravity," as in "Jesus, Dolly Parton, your chest defies gravity!" Didn't Jesus walk on water or something? That guy is like Jean Grey. Nice performance from Dolly, though. She's a good egg.

Results. Brooke is sent to safety. Boom. Kristy is safe. Boom. Ramiele Malubay is going home. Bam!

Flashbacks of Ramiele Malubay. Wanting to be the first Asian American Idol. Paula calling her audition phenomenal. Hula dancing like Sanjaya. Blowing kisses on the red carpet. Standing much, much shorter than her microphone. Hugging other Idoleers. Simon saying she's one of the best singers in the competition...before all those other times he said she was awful. And so ends the story of Ramiele.

Next week: an hour of "Inspirational Songs" and two-point-five hours of Idol Gives Back.

This show is trying to hurt me.
-Frank