Top 9: Dolly Parton Night

It's all takin' and no givin'

by Frank Pittarese

This show aired on April 1st, so Seacrest tries to psych us out by saying tonight's episode will be pre-empted by a special celebrity edition of Moment of Truth starring Simon Cowell. Stick to your day job, Ryan. Any one of them. This is American Idol. Plug it up!

Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. This entire recap almost consisted of one sentence: I do not fucking care. Because I don't. But a gig is a gig, and I should at least make an effort. This much is true: they could have pre-empted this show with an episode of The Return of Jezebel James and it would have been more interesting.

Tonight's musical mentor is Dolly Parton, best known for being top heavy, singing the theme to 9 to 5, while also starring in said film, and naming a theme park after herself.

The Idoleers meet her and are impressed. They sing "9 to 5" around the piano. Everyone appears to be legitimately having fun, although with Syesha, you never know what's what. Dolly is very sweet, despite looking like a wax figure of a female impersonator of herself.

Brooke White says Dolly is "a tiny gal, but she's huge." Indeed. Dolly likes her song choice, "Jolene," which is a song I actually know. The performance is a little redneck-y. Brooke on guitar, a dude with a fiddle, another dude banging on something that I'm sure is not a drum. I think it's just a box. She sounds fine, although I don't know if I'm keen on the slow arrangement. Still, it's a consistent performance.

Judges. Randy thought it was all right. Paula, literally says, "You are Brooke White." That sort of criticism really goes far, doesn't it? Simon felt the performance was emotionless, and the Country Bears-meet-Jeff Foxworthy group looked odd to him.

Coke Interview. David Cook is asked how he steals...I mean chooses...his arrangements. This is just ass-coverage because Doxology got lippy after David performed their version of "Eleanor Rigby" a few weeks ago, and neglected to mention that he was doing so. Last week, he sang Chris Cornell's cover of "Billie Jean." It's always something. The judges keep calling him "original," and everybody drinks their Kool-Aid. Now, Cook is like, "Oh, I go online and find a cover that I can call my own." You know, if you point at the elephant in the room and call it an elephant, it's still a fucking elephant. David swears his arrangement of tonight's song is his own.

He's singing "Little Sparrow." I have no bones with admitting I've never heard it and I do not care that I've never heard it. When this show has a Robbie Williams Night, I'll care. When The Feeling are the musical mentors, I'll care. So David does his rocker thing, singing this song about a bird or whatever the hell, and it's like a lost Daughtry B-side. If that's your soup, then slurp it up.

Judges. Randy is in love with David's "false" and calls the performance hot. Paula likes David's haircut and has never heard a guy sing that song before. Well, that's one up from my "never heard a human being sing it" thing, so good on Paula. Simon congratulates him for "making a song about sparrows good."

Ramiele Malubay rehearses with Dolly and is starstruck. Dolly likes that Ramiele is tiny. "The fact that she's little ain't gonna stop her from doing big things." Oh, foreshadowing, you are such an ironic scamp! I don't know what the hell this song is. Will somebody tell me? It's a little gospel-ish. "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind," maybe. I'm not looking it up. I really wish Ramiele would stop wearing such high-waisted pants. It makes her look like her shoulders grow out of her legs. She's still singing? I didn't realize. Now it's over. Well, that was wonderfully forgettable.

Judges. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of 10 and says Ramiele sang with conviction. Paula says she connected with the audience. Is that what was happening? I was in the bathroom. Simon is like, "Nobody is going to remember this. Thank you and good day."

Hey, Michael Kors is sitting behind the judges. Project Runway is awesome. Maybe I can watch a rerun of that instead of this. Damn you, Bravo! It's not on right now. I'm stuck.

Coke Interview. Jason Castro has a stalker who sends him many postcards telling him how he eases her tension at the end of the day. She hopes to meet him when she's gets parole in 2012.

Dolly meets Jason and grabs his skeevy dreadlocks. I seriously thought they would snap off in her hand and skitter under the furniture like cockroaches. Those things look brittle. I'm amazed that Dolly even touched them. That's some Fear Factor shit right there.

Jason Castro sings a song about traveling, guitar in hand. This is a holy song of some kind. Lyrics about crucifixion and the Jesus and being born again. Jason has some energy tonight, but he still sounds like the opening act for a Peter, Paul and Mary reunion tour.

Judges. Randy thought it was pretty good, and liked the "singer-songwriter kinda vibe." He knows Jason didn't write this, doesn't he? Paula says his voice sounded strong and rich and she loved it. Simon is like, "I hate country music. Why are you singing country music, Jason Castro? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Carly Smithson rehearses her song, "Here You Come Again," with Dolly. They have a bonding moment, and Dolly says that Carly's is the type of voice for which the song was written. On stage, Carly looks like Shannen Doherty circa Season Two of Charmed, minus the wonky eye. She's singing the song as a slow ballad. It pretty much works, in the way that these things do. Nothing amazing, but a solid performance. Carly has yet to figure out her musical identity for this show, and that will vex her till the day she goes home.

Judges. Randy says it was one of the better performances of the night. Paula calls it "glorious." Simon thought it was good, not great, and then he tells her she doesn't know how to dress. "You've got to start looking like a star." This from the man who owns two black shirts and a single v-neck sweater. Seacrest steps out and wants to know what Simon's problem is. "Don't you like country music?" Simon says he loves country music. Lie. If he could, Simon would push country music down an open elevator shaft. Then he'd spit on its broken, bloody corpse.

David Archuleta rehearses "Smoky Mountain Memories" with Dolly, and it touches her. "I could feel...his little emotion was feeling exactly what I had written in the song." Even his emotions are wee. On stage, David sings well, but like he's back on Star Search. I'm not sure if that's him, the song, or both. The performance is just a little too sincere. Jesus gets name-dropped again. I think they're trying to woo him into appearing on Idol Gives Back. That mutant fish-making power of his would come in handy.

Judges. Randy pushes Carly aside and calls this the best performance of the night. Paula loves David's aura. He, too, is "glorious." Paula, step away from your thesaurus right now. Simon calls his song choice "absolutely on the money." The audience screams like Freddy Krueger is trying to kill them.

Kristy Lee Cook rehearses "Coat of Many Colors," which has something to do with being poor and wearing rags or having bad fashion sense. Dolly tells Kristy her mom will be proud, but Kristy says she'd rather impress the judges than her own mother. Well, somebody's out of the will. On stage, Kristy country twangs all over the joint in a desperate bid to become Carrie Underwood 2.0, singing about having "patches on (her) britches." Should this song have so much pep? At least she's barefoot, to better evoke a feeling of poverty.

Judges. Randy says country is Kristy's wheelhouse. Paula says her performance was beautiful. Simon thought it was "pleasant but forgettable." Seacrest compliments Kristy's French pedicure because he's totally not at all gay, really.

Vanna White is in the audience. If anyone reading this has any idea what her specific talent is, please contact me immediately. I need to know.

Syesha Mercado rehearses "I Will Always Love You," wearing a big-ass scarf around her neck because she simply must preserve her voice. I know Dolly Parton wrote and recorded this song, but it's more than closely associated with Whitney Houston. Syesha is at it again. She interviews on the verge of crocodile tears about how she found an emotional connection to the song. Yeah. Right. She just wants to sing Whitney. This girl is so full of shit she can fertilize the entire mid-West. Now on stage. Sitting on top of a piano. Staring into the camera. Singing Whitney. Making Faces of Absolute Sincerity. Holding the final note forever. Standing ovation. Talented? Sure. But so phony she gives me hives.

Judges. Randy thinks she did...pretty good. "It was all right." Paula says Syesha is growing and connecting with the audience. Like a fungal infection. Simon calls Syesha out and says her performance paled in comparison to the Whitney version.

Michael Johns admits to Dolly that she was his first concert, in 1986. I find this adorable, simply because I've suddenly decided that I like Michael Johns. As the weeks have worn on, and we get these little behind-the-scenes slices of his personality, he's turning out to be quite a dork. But he doesn't look good in is an ascot, which is what he's wearing for this performance. I keep expecting Daphne and Velma to come out and sing back-up. I don't know the song, "It's So Wrong But It's So Right," but Michael does a good, soulful job with it, and it's nice to hear him sing something with a melody instead of rocking out all over the place. Of course, that's what Chikezie did last week, and look at what happened to him.

Judges, pressed for time because the show is running late. Randy: "Nice job." Paula: "Dolly Parton is amazing. You--"/p>

And then my DVR cut out. Let's assume Paula said something about her cat. Let's also assume Simon liked the performance but hated the song. Or he liked the song but hated the performance. Simon always hates something.

I'm writing this after the fact, so I know who goes home, but at the time, I had no idea who would land in the Bottom Three. This was a weak week. Good performances are no match for dull songs (sorry, Dolly), and worse, unfamiliar songs. Those can B3 anybody.

Next time: results, filler, and Bucky Covington!

Rooby-rooby-roooo!
-Frank