Top 10: Results

What is going on?!?

by Frank Pittarese

We're about to lose another contestant. Ten will become nine. That's a lot of people left to go, but things could be worse. One of them could be Taylor Hicks. This is American Idol. Printed on 100 percent recycled paper.

Celebrity and Other Sightings: Nastasha Bedingfield is in the audience. She's seated next to Idol-evictees Amy Davis, Stripper David, and Danny Noreiga. Is Danny there to support Ramiele if she gets booted? Will there be rivers of tears? Dare I even hope? Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen are there, in their roles as alleged co-hosts of American Idol Extra, also known as the infomercial of this show. And there's Ugly Betty's Mark Indelicato, proving once and for all that he and Noreiga really aren't the same person.

Group Sing. The Idoleers sing Maxine Nightingale's classic "Right Back Where We Started From." I love this song, I really do, but it was recorded in 1975 and has nothing to do with any of the contestants birth years, which -- if you're listening, Dear Show -- was last night's theme. This song is older than Michael Johns, and only a few months older than our own Ryan Seacrest. As for the performance? It's aiight. The choreography is ridonkulous. Lots of asses wiggling, and everybody two-stepping this way and that way. I think Amanda Overmyer would have killed herself before dancing this particular jig. David Cook and Aussie Michael jump high for a chest-bump. Michael is kinda cute when he loosens up. (Don't start with me, people. I'm a fickle bitch.) Only about half the kids get solos, and nobody messes things up. All in all, one of the better group performances.

Filler. The Idols go to the studio once a week to record downloadable versions of their songs for iTunes. It's exactly as interesting as it sounds.

Time to get down to business. Last night, I predicted the Bottom Three to be Carly Smithson, Brooke White, and Ramiele Malubay, with Ramiele going home. Let's see how I done, eh?

Chikezie is the first to be called forth. And he is in the Bottom Three. Wha?!? Okay, I didn't see that one coming.

Brooke White is safe. Huh? Good for her. But huh?

Carly Smithson is safe. Okay, what goes on? Seriously. Also, she wants us to know that the rumor nobody heard...the one about her being pregnant...is not true.

Ford Ad. To the tune of Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me," the Idols appear, silkscreened and singing on various items inside a music store. Aussie Michael, Ramiele, and Jason Dreadlock on t-shirts. Brooke on a CD cover. Kristy, Irish Carly, and Syesha on a poster. Chikezie, Little David, and Rocker David on a jacket. This is the least they've done in any of these things, and it's probably been the best one so far. Keep holding back, y'all!

David Archuleta is safe. No surprise.

David Cook is safe. And Seacrest says Chris Cornell called to say he loved David's cover of his cover. So are we going to just call David original, while admitting that he copied Cornell's performance, and accept both things as true? Tell us what to do, Show! You know we can't think for ourselves!

Syesha Mercado is in the Bottom Three. I didn't see that coming, but I am so glad, I cannot even tell you.

Michael Johns is safe, and I hate myself for being pleased by it.

Stupid Q&A Filler. I'm not dealing with this except to say that one of the questions is for Little David, asking why he chose that faux-Lion King song last night. Did he really chose it himself or what? He says it's one of his favorite songs, then swears up and down that he chose it himself and it wasn't his father who made him "sing it or get the belt." Okay, he doesn't say that exactly. But Cowell does throw a semi-eye roll, which speaks volumes.

Ex-Idol Filler. Kimberly Locke got a record deal, lost 40 pounds, and opened a restaurant. (If you're wondering who Kimberly Locke is, she's the one who was on Celebrity Fit Club and fought with Screech.) She's here to sing some song of hers, wearing an ill-fitting prom dress from the Salvation Army. The fast forward button is my friend.

Promotional Filler. Idol Gives Back is coming. It knows what scares you.

Ramiele Malubay is safe. Okay, for real...what is happening tonight?

That leaves two...

Kristy Lee Cooke waved the American flag, tied a yellow ribbon around every old oak tree and single-handedly captured Osama Bin Laden. She is totally fucking safe. Well played, Ms. Cook. Well played.

Jason Castro is in the Bottom Three. What. The. Hell?

I'm totally blindsided by this B3. Sure, it wasn't Chikezie's best night, but other Idols did worse. And as much as I dislike Syesha, she was vocally solid yesterday. As for Jason, his guitar-strumming hippie routine is getting tired, but I thought the tween vote would keep him safe. Then again, those votes are probably going to Little David, and in the long run, Jason and Little David can't co-exist.

Anyway, Jason is sent back to safety.

Syesha is safe, too.

Chikezie is going home. Wow. Simply wow.

Chikezie's Greatest Hits. Auditioning with a last name. Singing while dressed like a Pip. Posing for photos. Behind the scenes at the Ford shoot. Wearing Blake Lewis's sweater vest. Simon messing up his name. Seacrest rubbing Chikezie's sweat-slick head. "It's been an amazing ride. I hope it lasts forever." Yeah, but...well, but...no.

Next week: Miss Dolly Parton.

Shocked and awed,
-Frank