Top 11: Beatles Redux
The long and whining road
by Frank Pittarese"Tonight, by popular demand, the number one show in the country celebrates the number one band of all time." Finally, Winger Night! "We’re back with the Beatles." Oh. Them. This is American Idol. Individual results may vary.
Unlike last week, which was technically "songs from the Lennon/McCartney catalogue," this is an official Beatles episode. That means contestants can sing songs written by George Harrison. Ringo, not so much.
Hey, Randy, do you think the contestants learned some valuable lessons last week? "Hopefully, they did and they'll pick the right songs. There's a vast number of great songs in that songbook." But availability is another story. According to Stripper David, who was evicted last week, the Top 12 were given a list of 24 songs to choose from. That's it. And if two contestants wanted the same song, they had to draw for it. So all this "song choice" business is a whole lotta flim-flam.
Yo, Paula, what do you expect tonight? "I expect that those who have gumption are gonna continue to take risks." And those risks will be shot down for being too risky.
And Simon, with regard to this being a singing competition vs. a popularity contest, where are we, exactly? "50/50." And where are we with regard to none of it being relevant to or reflective of anything happening in the music industry today? 100-and-two-point-five percent.
Clip Reel. So who, exactly, were the Beatles? I can tell you now that half of these contestants haven't the first clue. I can also tell you now that I'm not going to explain the Beatles to you.
Of note: the mosh pit is no longer the exclusive domain of thin, white girls. With the season's Major Gays now voted out, a couple of boys have worked their way into the "crowd" which is now two single rows thick. At this rate, we might see a person of color or even a fat kid by the end of the season. Shame on you, show. Just shame.
Tonight's Contestant Clip theme is "My Most Memorable Idol Moment" because this season has gone on for so long that they've already managed to amass a series of moments from which to choose.
Amanda Overmyer's most memorable moment was "playing on the big stage," which takes us back to that faraway time of last week. She says it's better than singing on a flatbed truck, but is it really?
Tonight Amanda performs "Back in the U.S.S.R." She fumble-mumbles the lyrics almost immediately, before proceeding to do her typical Amanda thang. You know what I'd like to hear Amanda sing? Something. Something would be good. All this girl does is shout. Listening to her is like being drunk-dialed from a karaoke bar.
Judges. Randy thought it was pitchy in the beginning, but enjoyed the "bluesy" tone that Amanda brought to the song. Paula thought Amanda was ahead of the beat, but that Amanda is "quintessential, authentic, who you are." Then she tells her to try a vulnerable ballad sometime. In other words, sing something. Simon calls it "predictable...a mess in parts...the same thing, week after week." He tells her she's in danger of becoming boring.
Amanda talks back with "ballads are boring." Then she says she has a minute and a half to show potential ticket buyers what an Amanda concert would be like. Then she raises her arms over her head and yells "Yeahhh!" Simon is like, "You ain't famous yet, beeyotch."
Coke Interview, in which we learn that Confederate Kristy looks at her photo album every night and that she owns at least one dog, which, unlike her horse, she did not sell to for ticket money to be on this show.
Kristy Lee Cook remembers being in the bottom three every week. Hard to forget that you suck, eh?
She's singing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." Why that particular song, Kristy? "I just basically picked it from the title." She heard it for the first time this week. There's nothing like making a well-informed decision. She promises to "sing with her heart." Seeing as how her vocal chords have worked thus far, Kristy has nothing to lose. This arrangement is weird. It's starts with a big "Da-DUNH" from the band, like it's about to build to something. But instead, it just plods along. Kristy plays with the melody here and there, but her lower range is abysmal. She barely moves an inch. Her face is close to expressionless. If this were Animatronic Idol, I'd vote for her to win.
Judges. Randy says it was boring and safe and that he's not even sure if she got the melody right. Paula tells Kristy that she looks gorgeous. Never a good sign. She calls the performance safe. Simon tells Kristy she's "like musical wallpaper...you notice it, but you can't remember it...apart from when you're terrible."
Kristy talks back: "Some people like it, some people don't." And some people can only sing "Amazing Grace" well and their name is Kristy. She hopes she'll be here next week, then points at Simon and says, "I can blow you out of your socks and you know it." That statement give Seacrest the vapors. "It's hot! Turn on the air!" he shrieks. His virgin ears, you understand.
David Archuleta remembers January, when he was plucked from the cabbage patch and adopted by this show. No, what he remembers is forgetting the lyrics to "We Can Work It Out." And his father making him cry. Allegedly.
This week, he sings "The Long and Winding Road." He remembers all the words, plays with the arrangement just enough to make it interesting, and sounds typically David. At this point, you either like what he does or you don't. I like it, so there.
Judges. Randy proclaims that "David Archuleta has brought the hotness back," and tells him he could have taken more liberties with the song. Paula says something about David rising above adversity and building his character, like he marched for civil rights instead of singing a thirty-eight-year-old song without fucking it up. Simon says David was amazing. "That was a masterclass." Then Simon applauds three time, most regally. Clap-clap-clap. Hee!
Michael Johns has fond memories of singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. With this sort of riveting television, the writer's strike could have gone on forever.
He sings "A Day in the Life," choosing to sing "all the best parts." Lemme tell ya, Michael crams a lot into his minute-and-a-half. He does the "I read the news today" part, and the "woke up, got out of bed" part, and the "ahhh-ahh-ahh-ahhhh" part at the bridge. It isn't bad, although his falsetto leaves much to be desired. I just get this vibe that Michael is a rockstar in his own mind. He makes all these gestures...waving Jesus arms at the audience...hopping around like Jim Morrison...singing with his eyes closed in musical ecstasy. All this. But it feels like he's playing a role. All this. But he's still boring.
Judges. Randy doesn't think that was the right song for Australian Michael. "It wasn't one of your good ones, baby." I disagree. For Michael, this was one of his good ones. Paula preferred what she heard during dress rehearsal, wondering if this off-performance was because he's now singing with a monitor in his ear. Simon calls it a mess, explaining that the song is too complicated for the time allotted.
Seacrest confirms that Michael is not wearing an earpiece, so STFU, Miss Paula Abdul. Then Michael boo-hoos that he's dedicating this song to a dead friend of his, so please vote for him on that basis. Hasn't Michael already done this dead-friend thing? This sounds familiar.
Coke Interview. Brooke went home on Saturday to see her family. Alert the media.
Brooke White's most memorable moment reaches back to last week's performance of "Let It Be." I'm waiting for someone's favorite moment to be "this morning."
Tonight, she sings "Here Comes the Sun." Okay, straight up, I love Brooke. I love her energy, I love the happy vibe she gives off, like she's just here to have her own good time and share the joy. For me, her hippie-go-lucky thing is perfect for this song -- even if she dances around like a spaz, misses a few notes, and emits a random, crazy "woo!" after the first verse. Vocally, she's fine. Not great, but fine. But as a package, this performance totally works for me.
Judges. Randy thought it was awkward. Brooke apologizes for the "woo!" which, to Randy, means that she didn't connect with the song. Paula says Brooke could have played it less safe ("safe" being this year's "pitchy" in the American Idol Buzzword Hall of Fame), but she liked it okay. Simon didn't like Brooke's yellow dress or the sunshine-y lighting. Damn you Brooke, for the lighting you sang! He says the performance was "terrible."
Brooke, and again, this is why I love her, tries to protect the judges from the audience's boos. "It's okay," she tells them, "it's okay." She doesn't try to excuse herself like others have (and will). She's just like, "Well, I guess this didn't work. Whatcha gonna do?"
David Cook's favorite memory is of his "Eleanor Rigby" performance last Tuesday. This clip theme should have just been called "Talking About Last Tuesday."
This week, he's singing "Day Tripper." The Whitesnake version. Really. David says that. Out loud. Still, it's good. A little more than good, now that I'm listening to it again. He's playing his electric guitar under the flashing rocker lights and it's all very "authentic" and "real," at least as far as this show deems those terms. Then he busts out some vocoder action, like Frampton at the beginning of "Show Me The Way." Wow. As above-good as it is, I don't think that David can win the series, just because, historically, it's the more middle-of-the-road vocalists who succeed (Sparks, McPhee, Underwood, Hicks...even Studdard). David just isn't grandma-safe enough.
Judges. Randy feels like he just heard another song at a David Cook concert. "It's another solid look for David Cook." Paula says he's ready to go sell records, which Paula will play on her Victrola whilst dancing the jitterbug. Simon: "I don't think that was as good as you thought it was." Then he says David looked smug (which...okay, sure) and that he thought the vocoder was stupid.
Next, Seacrest almost taps David with the microphone stand, causing David to faux-fall to the ground. "Here, let me grab you," says the ever-helpful Ryan. David don't play that, but he does try to get Ryan to use the vocoder. Ryan doesn't like putting strange things in his mouth, or so it seems, so he passes for now. He'll put stranger things in his mouth later.
Carly Smithson remembers...Jesus Criminey...last Tuesday. I can't even go there anymore.
She's singing "Blackbird." For some reason, she's dressed like a pregnant frump: a red maternity-looking top, with big, matronly roses embroidered around the collar. It's fugly to the point of distraction. Meanwhile, if we're going into song choice territory, this is a bad choice for Carly. Her voice is too husky for this one, which needs a softer, and frankly, prettier vocal. She doesn't do anything wrong, at least on a technical level, but it's not a good fit and it's dull, to boot.
Judges. Randy loved the control. "Very nice!" Paula loves Carly's tone and inflections. Simon says the song was indulgent.
Carly talks back with nonsense about how, being on the show, you get beaten down and broken, and the song is a metaphor, because the blackbird is free and Carly is free by being on the show, which...didn't she just say the show beats her down? Somebody's been at the Guinness. Then Simon says that Carly made him feel uncomfortable. And he says this while literally pinching his tits.
Jason Castro's best memory is when he sang "Hallelujah" a few weeks ago, messed up the last note, and nobody cared. I still don't.
Tonight, he sings "Michelle," French lyrics and all. It's a little too up-tempo for me, with an almost country-like arrangement. It's funny how Jason sings off key so often, but it doesn't really matter. Like the way Bob Dylan's singing is all kinds of fucked up, but it never got in his way. Not that Jason is a Bob Dylan. He's not even a Dylan McKay. Jason gets to the French part, giggles as he sings, and waves his arm with a flourish. It's hard to take him seriously if he's not going to take the song seriously. Still, I can't hate on him, because the kid has something. I don't know what. But something.
Judges. Randy isn't sure if he "really, really got it," and can't tell if Jason connected with the song. I agree. It felt like he was taking the piss. Paula says "it was like an intimate song that became a polka," and since we rarely get a comment from Paula that's so insightful or apt, I'll leave her alone. Simon questions the very wisdom of doing two Beatles weeks in a row, but says that Jason's face sold the song. "If I was just listening to that...on the radio...it would be 'off.'"
Coke Interview. Syesha's family is here tonight. I pop a nitro pill, lest my heart explode.
Syesha Mercado's most best memorable favorite moment was when she was in the bottom three. She sics about herself in the third person. "For Top 12, 2008, Syesha Mercado was the bottom three." The whole bottom. It gave her inspiration.
She sings "Yesterday," and it's lovely but dull. Not that I want her jumping around the stage like a nutter, but...ah...whatever. I just don't like Syesha, and she's not giving me enough to knock her this week. Why can't you suck more, Syesha? For me?
Judges. Randy liked the melody. "Very, very, very good performance tonight." Paula liked that Syesha let herself be vulnerable. Simon thought it was her best performance so far. "You chose the song Brooke should have sung." Maybe she did indeed, considering how things work behind the scenes.
Chikezie remembers his first round of Hollywood. It was the first time all three judges complimented him, and extra-nice because Seacrest wasn't there to touch Chikezie's sweaty head.
Tonight, he sings "I've Just Seen a Face." It starts off really slow...not at all how it ought to sound. This isn't an easy listening song, and Chikezie is doing a Lite FM version. Then all of sudden, he whips out a harmonica, and sings the song at a much faster clip -- a faster, bluegrass clip. At the second verse, he sings in some half-silly voice before having a conniption fit all over the song. It's controlled chaos. I don't know. One more verse and he might start singing in the voice of Redd Foxx. Chikezie gets points for being different...for "making it his own." But I'm not sure it was especially good. It was more like crazy with a 'K.'
Judges. Randy did not like the slow part, but he liked the fast part. He thought it was strange. Paula liked the ballad/up-tempo mix because it showed Chikezie's scope. "You did it again. Two weeks. I love it." Simon says the harmonica was "literally atrocious," as opposed to figuratively, "and then it turned into 'Achy Breaky Heart.'"
Ramiele Malubay remembers making a bunch of new friends, almost all of whom have been sent to the gas chamber. Or home. Hard to tell from all the crying she's done since Top 24.
In light of being called boring last week, she's decided to sing "I Should Have Known Better." On the plus side, it's up-tempo and not the torch song we've come to expect from her. On the down side, it's pretty bad. As cute as she is in her little hat and corset-thingie, Malubay's big voice isn't suited for something this...fluffy. The performance almost feels desperate. She's Bottom Threed herself with this one.
Judges. Randy liked her confidence..."it was all right." Paula says it was definitely better than last week, adding that she prefers Ramiele on ballads. She says Ramiele should sing songs like the Dusty Springfield number she did a few weeks ago. You know what's a good start, Paula? Stop making it Beatles Week all the time! Simon likes Ramiele's personality, but says the track sounded amateurish and she chose a mediocre song.
So my B3 prediction is: Amanda, for being a hot mess, Kristy for being a dull robot, and Ramiele for being desperately confused. And based on that? Wow...it just might be Ramiele after all.
Tomorrow: results, Kellie Pickler, and filler, filler, filler!
Making all my nowhere plans for nobody...
-Frank
