Top 12: Results

And in the end, the love you take is equal to a lapdance

by Frank Pittarese

We start with some specially made Horton Hears a Who footage, pushing the crap movie that just came out. Something about how the characters are getting ready to watch the show. I'm intolerant. This is American Idol. I do not like green eggs and ham.

Jim Carrey is in the audience wearing an elephant costume. Is he the voice of Horton? I don't fucking care. He's pushing the movie, too. What is the point of Jim Carrey? I'd very much like the actual show to begin sometime before 10 p.m. Thank you.

Group sing. Beatles medley. Irish Carly and Australian Michael launch things off with "All My Loving." I pretend I'm watching some other thing... Idol Internationalé. It's the only way to get through it. Confederate Kristy joins in, and before you know, the whole Brady Bunch is taking part. Ramiele is wearing a cute little top that makes her look like a bee. Remember The Bugaloos? That was a good show. Jason Dreadlock runs up the stairs to sing one line of "I Feel Fine" and then rushes back down again. Smooth. Three or four times, we cut away to Carrey in his elephant get-up. Would I go to jail if I kicked Jim Carrey in the balls? This is something I need to know. There's some truly bad choreography happening, as the whole group forms two lines and bops back and forth in unison. It's like being at a wedding reception, but without the glo-sticks and free booze. Big audience cheer for David Cook. We can't buy David Archuleta love, but he will take charitable donations. Amanda is having some kind of shitfit on stage left. I hope the medics are standing by. Everybody sings that they need help. Some of them sing about when they were young, so much younger than today. If Ramiele and Little David were any younger than today, they'd be fetuses. Anytime these people perform in small groups of three, they sound like armpit farts.

Trimming the fat. Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, Jason Castro, and Syesha Mercado are made to stand. All are safe except Syesha, who is in the bottom three. Randy and Paula don't think she should leave, but Simon thinks she deserves to go home. Then she sings "Got to Get You Into My Life" again to prove him right.

Ford Ad: to the tune of a song called "Distance," which I've never heard and don't like enough to research. The Idoleers are running for office. Secret Service guys usher them out of their Ford vehicles. They all want us to vote for them. Ohhh, this ad has a double meaning. Michael Johns looks nice in a suit. Carly, David Cook, and Kristy all pose for photos while holding infants. Chikezie poses while holding a Sumo wrestler. Chikezie is bigger than the others, you see, so it only makes sense. They all wear boxing gloves, because they're "going the distance." Then they drive off, dancing like assholes while sticking out of their respective sun roofs. Where's Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him?

Next is a stupid clip reel about how all the Idols are amazed how they get to do "exciting" things like attend the world premiere of Horton Hears a Who and meet Jim fucking Carrey. Little David practically swoons after getting a handshake. Amanda scores points with me for being thrilled to meet some dude from REO Speedwagon. As Amanda explains about this, Ramiele has a look on her face like, "What the fuck is this old lady talking about?" Hee! They all loved the movie, because they all want to be here next week.

Trimming the fat. Chikezie, Amanda Overmyer, David Cook, and Kristy Lee Cook stand up. Ryan makes Chikezie step forward, just so he can rub the sweat off Chikezie's brow and tell him he's safe. Who knew Ryan had a perspiration fetish? Amanda and David are safe. Before her name is even called, Kristy is like, "Give me the microphone so I can get this over with." She's laughing about it, which is nice, especially seeing as how she's right. Kristy is in the bottom three.

Phone-in segment. This is a new thing where viewers can call in and ask questions of the Idols and judges. A list of names, ages, and questions are up on the big screen, so Seacrest can pick and choose what he wants to hear. I give it two weeks before some Howard Stern listener manages to get past the screeners and yell obscenities on the air. Or maybe I'll do it myself. Anything to pass the time. The questions are dumb: "If Jason Castro could be any judge, which one would he be?" I test my fast forward button. It still works.

Katharine McPhee, the Season 5 runner-up, and David Foster, composer and egocentric curmudgeon, take the stage so Kat can sing "Something," a Beatles song written by George Harrison. Poor Ringo got no play out of this whole two-night event, but that's what he gets for starring in Caveman. Kat sings while David plays piano, and while her voice is lovely, Kat's performance of this song makes Ramiele's "In My Life" look like fucking Mardi Gras. Next!

We come back from the break to find Jim Carrey sitting among the Idoleers crying about how he doesn't want to be voted off. If anybody out there thinks Carrey is a comedic genius, David Archuleta, please be advised that Everybody Loves Raymond's brother did this same shit last year. And it wasn't funny then.

Trimming the fat. Little David Archuleta, Brooke White, David Hernandez, and Ramiele Malubay are called to center stage. Little David is safe. Brooke is safe. Yay and yay! Ramiele is safe. David Hernandez is in the bottom three, but that's okay, he's probably used to bottoming. He sings his awful cover of "I Saw Her Standing There" awfully, making his tranny faces and shaking his stripper ass.

Elimination time. Syesha, David, and Kristy await their fate. The judges think this particular bottom three are the right bottom three. Syesha is rendered safe and sent back to her seat. We'll get you next time, dear. Kristy is safe, because she sang country and the red states love her. Stripper David is going home.

Montage of Stripper David. Auditioning. Childhood photos, for some random reason. Blowing roll-out party horns, for some random reason. Getting praise from the judges before they went sour on him. Red carpet. Photo shoots. "This is the point of my life I've been waiting for. I'm estatic about it, and really grateful." Well, if you've been waiting to get voted off, then I'm happy you're happy.

Next week...this can't be right... more Beatles? And eleven will become ten.

Enjoying a fat-free Idol.Well, almost.
-Frank