Top 12: Beatles
They got monkey finger
by Frank Pittarese"We promised you the best talent yet," says Seacrest, "And they delivered." Except for the sucky people who went home. And David Hernandez. And Amanda Overmyer. And Kristy Lee Cook. Ryan looks like a little candy groom from the top of a wedding cake. The kind that's legal in Canada. This is American Idol. Why don't we do it in the road?
New opening titles. Spinning logo of hypnotic doom. Actual humans replace the CGI characters. White boy. White girl. Nice job at diversity, Idol. Girl holding a microphone like a penis. Intended subliminal message: You want to sing! Actual subliminal message: Go grab a penis! The stuff that looked like crepe paper from the Tron Universe is gone. Big computer-generated arena. Many computer-generated fans. Camera zooming out of arena, overlooking the city, overlooking the planet. All your Idol are belong to us.
Ryan acts like he's 5 and he just drew a pretty picture. Look at my new stage! Yes, it's nice, Ryan. Here, have a cookie. Look at my new lights! Yes, they work, Ryan. Go watch TV in the other room. Look at my band! I will slap the bronzer right off you, Ryan. The real deal is this: Everything is bigger. The band is one story above the actual stage. Rickey Minor, the band leader, is in a separate balcony on the right side of the stage. Ricky has skeevies. Directly in front of the stage is what Seacrest calls "our very own mosh pit." In it, there will be no moshing. Instead, a single row of pretty white girls (seriously, there's not a female of color in the bunch, and nobody weighs more than a celery stick) are allowed to stand before the actual stage. The pit, behind them, is open for the cameramen. The judges are behind them, at their elevated dais, which still includes the mini-stage, which is behind them. That's this show. A whole lot of behind.
Same old judges. Same old contestants. Same old rules. They sing. We vote. Somebody leaves. Forever and ever, amen.
Tonight's theme is "songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook" which technically makes it Beatles Night, but if John and Paul didn't write it, you won't hear it. All you folks clamoring for Amanda Overmyer's cover of "Octopus's Garden" are in for a severe disappointment. So who are these "Lennon/McCartney" people of which Ryan speaks? Well, according to the clip reel, they wrote a lot of songs, number one hits "for themselves" and many for people like the Rolling Stones. Some Billboard dude talks about Lennon and McCartney's influence on music. Nobody mentions the Beatles name out loud. The hell?
Syesha Mercado is a student and a working actress. She remembers being surrounded by music and listening to oldies station. She's planning on showing us more of her personality tonight. Don't do us any favors, Syesha.
Her song of choice is "Got to Get You Into My Life" from Revolver. She sounds like she's singing from the Vegas-lounge-act side of the fence. Not inherently terrible, but terribly boring. The arrangement is a little on the jazzy side, which is nice, but Syesha doesn't really bring it. As a person, she's memorable because she's a menace. As a performer, she's forgettable, because nothing about her feels genuine. She doesn't touch the audience. There's a disconnect. It really is like being at a bar with live music. Syesha may be at the mic, but nobody is going to stop their conversation to actually listen to her. Meh.
Judges. Randy is the first to namedrop the Beatles, and compliments Syesha's arrangement, which he calls out as being from an Earth, Wind & Fire cover. Suck it, Syesha. He says she was pitchy at first, and needs to loosen up. Paula liked it from the middle to the end. Simon thought it was a great choice of song, but thought Syesha looked nervous.
Coke Interview. Chikezie-peasy, dressed in Blake Lewis's finest sweater vest, gets some play as the judges try to manipulate us into giving him a few more votes. He talks about working airport security and Paula being a good passenger and never trying to smuggle things on board, except for the 20 grams of pure insanity which she keeps inside her head.
Chikezie was practicing songs for the show and was shocked to learn that his mother knew them. Come again? He is aware that 99 percent of the songs sung on this program are from olden times, isn't he?
His cover of "She's a Woman" starts off with banjoes and fiddles. Welcome to the Country Bear Jamboree at the Magic Kingdom. Then, just when I think Chikezie has completely lost his mind, he goes all rock-and-roll on this song's ass. Vocally, he's great, and the performance is high energy. Aside from suffering a seizure of Joe Cocker levels in the middle, Chikezie is terrific here. He would have made for a better show opener than that dozy Syesha.
Judges. Randy thought it was dope. "Chikezie smashed it!" Paula loved the O-Brother-Where-Art-Thou-to-rock-n-roll vibe. Simon loved it. Straight up. Then Ryan loses his wee mind, and starts jumping around the stage, calling Chikezie "my man" and "baby" and literally rubbing the sweat off his head. I do not comprehend what is happening.
Ramiele Malubay works in a sushi restaurant and goes home smelling like soy sauce. Her sister plays the guitar and drums. And I care about this...why? Her parents play old-school music. Because they're old. She dedicates tonight's performance to her friends who have already left the show. A shot of the group reveals Ramiele standing in the midst of Danny Noreiga, Colton Berry, Kady Malloy, Alaina Whitaker, and Alexandréa Lushington. The morale of this story is that you shouldn't go on a reality show with Ramiele.
She sings the beautiful and depressing "In My Life," strangely starting the song on the stairs facing away from the audience. Her voice is lovely, and all I can really say is that she doesn't bring anything new to the song. Maybe she shouldn't. Does anybody really want to hear an up-tempo version of this? Or maybe something Christina Aguilera-style, with lots of runs? Of course not. Still, Ramiele done wrong.
Judges. Randy thought it was boring, and he was waiting for Ramiele to do something "special and interesting" with the song. Paula gives her the kiss of death with the "you look lovely tonight" flavor of lipstick. She felt the song choice was safe and Ramiele could have pushed it. Simon was bored to tears. "It was forgettable, boring...you're better than that."
Jason Castro has been going to school in Texas and he failed his music class. He has cousins in Columbia who don't speak English, but who love the Beatles. What a crazy world!
He sings "If I Fell," falling back on his crutch of sitting on stage, strumming his guitar, and making dreamy eyes at the camera. He plays with the melody a little bit, but this feels like a rehash of his '60s Night performance of "Daydream." The audience reacts very well. Jason knows what works for Jason.
Judges. Randy liked it but didn't love it. He wasn't crazy about switching up the melody because the song, as written, is so good. In case you're keeping track, that's "Ramiele, change the melody," and "Jason, don't change the melody." Paula hearts Jason and his glassy blue eyes. Simon thought the song was boring. He wants Jason to do better. I get the impression he'd rather Jason not even sing the Beatles, but here we are.
Coke Interview. This one is with Irish Carly, because the show wants her in the Final Two against David Archuleta. The Idols have moved into their own apartments. She rooms with Amanda. That's a show right there. On the grocery list: orange juice, celery, and, I kid you not, potatoes.
Carly Smithson is from Ireland, where she first became Irish. Her family, also Irish, lives there. In America, which is not Ireland, she works in an Irish pub. She also sings in a band. No word on whether the band is Irish, but if you'd like to place a bet...
She sings "Come Together" most awesomely. Terrific, husky vocals...good stage presence. She's like a seasoned pro up on that stage. Well done.
Judges. Randy loved her strength, her voice, and her confidence. "That was a stellar performance." Paula felt like she was watching a star. Simon says that week after week, Carly has chosen the wrong song -- until now. Then he says that she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson during this exact week in Season One, if that's not another subtle push at the audience ("Carly Smithsonnn is the new Kelly Clarksonnn," whispers the Show Demon), I don't know what is.
David Cook worked as a bartender, pre-Idol. He also wore blue nail polish like an asstard. Sometimes, he sang in the bar. Tonight, he will sing on the show.
He's doing "Eleanor Rigby" and while the beginning is a little rough, and he messes up the lyrics a bit, David goes all Daughtry on it at the chorus. It loud and shouty, but a good loud and shouty. This, I think, was almost fantastic. If David keeps it up, he'll make Australian Michael redundant. Or more redundant.
Judges. Randy loved what happened when David hit the chorus. Paula thinks he's fantastic. Simon thought it was brilliant.
Brooke White used to be a nanny. She misses the babies. Now she does photo shoots and interviews and it's exciting and she's grateful. Yay for Brooke.
She performs the Beatles' final single, "Let It Be," sitting at the piano, quiet at first, then letting the strength in her voice build as the band and backup singers join in. I'm predisposed to liking this stuff, and I think I'm feeling kindly towards a lot of the performances tonight based on the songs alone, but Brooke's performance is really the best of the night. I don't feel like she brings anything new to the song, but she really shines on it.
Judges. Randy loves that Brooke is fulfilling her dream and loves her heartfelt performance. Brooke is crying. Paula says Brooke's emotional connection makes people fall in love with her. Simon agrees with me that it was the best of the night. Brooke cries some more.
David Hernandez got fired from his job as a server at a pizza bistro, no doubt for taking his wang out. In college, his major was broadcast journalism, so no matter what path his life took, he was destined to face a scandal. He took a Beatles class in school, which, based on tonight's performance, he must have failed.
David sings "I Saw Her Standing There," starting from the mini-stage before running over to the real one. Tonight, David is reminiscent of young Lola Falana. Lots of diva-gestures and more of the twitchy eyes. I think he's intentionally changing the lyrics in small ways, trying to "make the song his own." Well, he can't have it. I won't give it to him. He's pitchier than a baseball. This is awful. Not even the song can save him. Worst of the night. Absolute bottom of the barrel.
Judges. Randy says it was overdone. "It was just too much." Paula dittos that, telling David he needed to scale back. Simon: "No, no, no...it was corny, verging on desperate."
Coke Interview. Amanda OverIt ("Vote for herrrr...") would rather be watching this at home. What does she do before performing? She sits in a corner. Oooh, tell me more!
Amanda Overmyer works as a nurse and rides a motorcycle. She is a self-described rocker. And she never heard the song she's about to sing before this week. I don't even have the words.
She's singing "You Can't Do That" from The Beatles' Second Album and the soundtrack to A Hard Day's Night. It's also been on the radio fairly often since 1964, Amanda, so there's really no excuse. This is the usual mumbly-drunk performance we've come to expect from Amanda. I mean, I know it's her style...she's making a choice...but it's a bad choice. I think if she could rein herself in and maybe try to actually sing, she might be okay. There's something underneath that mess. As is, I don't dig her.
Judges. Randy loved the "Southern bar" take on it. So...keep singing like a drunk? Paula says Amanda is a star and she was blown away. Simon only understood about 30 percent of what she sang and thought it was "a little bit shouty" in the way that the sun is a little bit hot.
Michael Johns is from Australia and has been living here for 10 years. This is still American Idol, yes? Just checking. He's worked many jobs, including coaching tennis, and yet he's still mind-numbingly boring.
He sings "Across the Universe." About that: go now and rent the movie of the same name. It's a work of art. Michael's performance is less so. It's serviceable in that he hits all...well, most...of the notes. But he has no personality and just seems out of place amongst these young competitors (and Amanda). And with David Cook in the Top 12, Michael is disposable.
Judges. Randy expected more...it was just all right for him. "It was a little sleepy." Paula liked Michael's "inner strength and quiet confidence." Not quiet enough. Simon agrees with Randy. Then says that Michael "should have done...what's the Irish girl's name...?" Awesome! Maximum fucking awesome! What's the Irish girl's name? Yes! Simon wanted Michael to do what Carly did, stylistically or something. He's frustrated by Michael and his overwhelming underwhelmingness.
Kristy Lee Cook comes from a small town and likes to ride horses, one of which she sold. She'll be singing her song country-style.
Twang alert! Kristy performs "Eight Days a Week" like she's at a hoedown at the county fair. If she does well, she hopes to win a pig. The tempo is so fast that she actually manages to sing the entire song -- no need to edit it down. It's a performance that would make Cletus Spuckler proud. This is madness.
Judges. Randy liked the idea, but otherwise, he doesn't know what the hell. Paula flat out didn't enjoy it. She's like, "I know we told you to do the country thing, but bitch, please." Simon thought it was horrendous. "You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium." And also crystal meth.
David Archuleta is the second oldest kid in his family. His mom is from Honduras and his dad is from Utah. Videotape shows Mom dancing in the living room like a gypsy while Dad blows his trumpet. Things are lively in the Archuleta household. David, who was born last Thursday, doesn't know from the Beatles. But he's heard a Stevie Wonder cover of one of their songs, so that's what he'll sing.
Oh, David... He's singing "We Can Work It Out," and making his way down the stairs. This confuses his young mind, and he completely forgets the lyrics. "While you see it your way/hmm, hmmm, la, la, la...love will soon be gone..." Shame. Then he hits a bum note. And having thrown himself into a tizzy, he forgets some more lyrics. Luckily, he gets to the chorus, and almost-but-not-quite saves himself. The good parts are good, but the bad parts are not good. I'm anxious for this to end, for fear of what disaster will strike next. Will he forget more of the lyrics? Will he freeze up entirely? Will his mother leap on stage and finish the song? Mercifully, for all parties concerned, David gets through it.
Judges. Randy is a fan, but "it was not on point." Paula tells David not to let the panic of forgetting the lyrics show on his face. Too late. His face is a poster of "Waaaah!!" Simon calls it a mess and knocks him for singing the Stevie Wonder version. Bad, David! Go to your room!
And that's the end of a very strange, but mildly entertaining show. We only lose one soul tomorrow, and that soul simply must be David Hernandez. I will gladly accept the departure of Kristy Lee Cook, America, if that's what you're feeling. But if you boot Brooke, I will hunt you down like dogs. All 301 million of you. I have the time.
Tuesday's on the phone to me,
-Frank
