Top 16: Results

Weep no more, my Ramiele

by Frank Pittarese

Who will make it into the Top 12 and get to sit in those shiny chairs that look like urinals? Only Seacrest knows for sure. This is American Idol. Employees must wash hands before leaving this room.

Blake Lewis, last year's runner-up, makes a surprise appearance, singing "How Many Words" from his new album. Blake looks great, but the beatboxing is ridiculous. You're a grown man, Lewis. Knock it off. "Flibberbzzit," says Blake. "Whuhukekewut!" I don't know how many words are in "How Many Words," but I'll tell you this: it needs more words. On the good parts, Blake sounds like a wee Morrissey. On the bad parts, he sounds like a wee Morrissey. My favorite part is the part that's exactly like "Don't Stand So Close to Me" because I like the Police. And here's another thing: If you're going to sing a song of your very own making, shouldn't you sing one in which you can hit all the notes?

Round One: Guys. David Cook is safe. I'm good with that. In a shocking turn of events, David Archuleta is evicted! He drifts out of the theater on a sea of Paula's tears. Are you kidding me? Of course, he's safe. Jason Castro and his dreadlocks are safe. He's never going to cut them off with this sort of encouragement. Hey, nobody got booted in this round. I want my money back.

Round Two: Girls. Brooke White sang "Love is a Battlefield" last night, especially for me. She's safe. Syesha Mercado, who I desperately need to go home, is safe. How many weeks of her can I endure? Keep reading these recaps and watch my sanity erode. Kady Malloy and her grumpy face are out.

Montage of Kady Malloy. Kady at auditions. Holding her golden ticket. Singing like Britney. Making Top 24. Rolling her eyes like Simon. Singing some more. Badly, if I recall correctly. "I think this experience has made me stronger as a person," she says. Then she tells Seacrest that she doesn't regret a moment before singing herself out with last night's Queen song. Asia'h watches. Her face is just a big tear with eyes and a mouth. Thus ends the tale of Meanface Malloy.

Round Three: Guys. David Hernandez looks like if he gets eliminated, he'll go on a killing rampage. A naked one, probably. That could be fun to watch. I wonder how many people can he murder with hair spray and lube. But he's safe. Michael Johns will be with us for awhile. We'll get through it together. Luke Menard, best known for absolutely nothing, is leaving us tonight.

Montage of Luke Menard. New footage of Never Seen Luke getting his golden ticket. New footage of Luke in Hollywood. Crying Luke calling his wife. Getting into the Top 24. Singing and looking hot. "I've heard stories of how many people are supporting me back home, and it's really encouraging to hear all that." I've heard stories about the Loch Ness Monster, Luke. It doesn't make them true. With a straight face, he sings himself out with an encore of "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." Politically, he seems to be against the marriage of lyrics to music. Goodbye, Luke Menardzzzz. Hope to see you doing gay-for-pay work real soon!

Round Four: Girls. Ramiele Malubay is totally safe. Carly Smithson is safe and still Irish. Amanda Overmyer could go either way, but she makes it through. She looks...a little less than enthusiastic. I'm thinking she doesn't want to be here. It would be awesome if she gave up her spot on live TV. Is Seacrest programmed for that sort of spontaneity? But she sits down and shuts up, no doubt wondering how she can sabotage herself off this hayride next week. Kristy Lee Cook and Asia'h Epperson are the last women standing. Kristy sang Journey, Asia'h sang Whitney. Asia'h is out'h.

Montage of Asia'h Epperson. Auditioning and crying. Father died two days ago. Hollywood. Making Top 24. Father still dead. Looking pretty at photo shoots. Seemingly getting shorter as this segment progresses. Singing songs that I can't remember. Dancing with David Hernandez. Keep your pants on, buster. "I'm a small town country girl, and I love to sing." And you may continue to do so. In the country. After reprise of her Whitney fiasco, Asia-With-An-H departs forever.

Round Five: Guys. Only Danny Noriega and Chikezie remain. Danny has been crying, like, all night. He looks a wreck. From the Shiny Chairs of the Chosen Ones, Ramiele slaps her hand over her mouth, like she's trying to stop herself from wailing. Or screaming obscenities, which I can totally see happening. They'd be in Polynesian and they'd be fabulous. Chikezie wraps a supportive arm around Danny's shoulders. Chikezie is safe. Danny is eliminated. Ramiele sobs like she's just watched a double feature of Terms of Endearment and Steel Magnolias, with Danny playing both dead-girl leads. Chikezie hugs Danny for-ev-er, as Danny cries and shakes. It's sad, but had he reined himself in a bit, Danny might have Sanjaya-ed his way through another handful of weeks.

Montage of Danny Noriega. Auditioning while looking like a Vulcan. Promising to blow the judges. Away. Waving his golden ticket. Hollywood. Photo shoot. Getting sassy at Simon. "My dream is to be successful. I want people to look up to me and relate to me. I want people to be my fan." Well, if he only wants one, I'm sure he's managed that by now. I'd want more, but that's just me. Danny sings about his taint one last time, and just as he's about to "pack (his) things and go," my DVR cuts out. Adieu, Gay Danny. And thanks, Fox, for your scheduling perfection.

So who are we left with?

Top 6 Guys: David Cookie Monster. Little David. Jason Dreadlock. Stripper David. Australian Michael. Chikezie-peasy.

Top 6 Girls: Brooke LilyWhite. Syesha Me-Me-Mercado. Ramiele, the Small and Meek. Irish Carly. Amanda Overkill...except I think Amanda OverIt might be more apt.

Next week, a new set, new opening titles, Beatles songs, and another three hours of show, which means about 90 minutes of filler. Yay?

Whuhukekewut!
-Frank