Top 16: Girls

What is the point of these girls?

by Frank Pittarese

Eight girls are left and only two of them are worth a vague damn. Unfortunately, six will remain after tonight. This is American Idol. May cause drowsiness.

The theme again is the 1980s, with clip packages under the "Omigod, My, Like, Most Totally Embarrassing Moment."

Seacrest is curious...has Randy has been too nice this season? No, but he has gone stupid. Paula is old. Remember the '80s, Paula, when you were relevant? Or at least as much so as Roxette? Paula loves the '80s, hopes the girls pick the right songs (they mostly don't), and wonders why they didn't dress for the period (because they haven't a fucking clue). Simon says all y'all girls up in here best bring it.

Asia-With-An-H's most embarrassing moment was when she was an extra in a movie (shame!), wearing roller skates (unbelievable!) and she skated into a stage light and fell down (that's unheard of!).

She's singing Whitney tonight, because that always goes over so well on this show. She wants to dance with somebody, she wants to feel the heat with somebody. Asia'h needs to get a lozenge off somebody, because she sounds breathy and hoarse, like she's straining to get her words out. Does she always sound like this? I think she always sounds like this. Asia'h bops around and gestures like this is Amateur Night at the bowling alley, and not the Programme of Distinction that is American Idol. Really, choosing a Whitney song, Asia'h? Expected. Uninspired. And, unless your name is Tamyra Gray, a waste of my time.

Judges. Randy says it was a tall order to take on Crackhead Houston, but it was hot. Paula says Asia'h really nailed it. Simon says that at best it was second-rate Whitney Houston. Asia'h is like "I'll take that!" But Simon is like, "Talk to the hand."

Meanface Malloy tells how, in the ninth grade, she entered a talent show, ruined a Christina Aguilera song, tripped over a microphone cord, and knocked over a speaker. Then the Three Stooges came out and poked her in the eyes as Harpo Marx squirted her with a seltzer bottle and Lucille Ball gave her a standing ovation.

Kady sings Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever," coming off somewhat like an animated corpse. When she's not completely expressionless, she looks like she's getting ready for a fight. I know the girl can't help her face...but she really needs to try to help her face. Smile. Raise an eyebrow. Something. She's like the flip side of David Hernandez, who gives too much face. Vocally, she's singing from the back of her throat a lot, and the big notes just aren't big enough. Overall, a boring two minutes.

Judges. Randy is a little baffled by the song choice, as well as some of Kady's vocal choices, but says it was pretty good. About song choice: Kady, knowing that she's swimming in the sucky end of the pool, knowing the judges want happy smiles of joy, should have gone with an upbeat, familiar song, like "Walking On Sunshine." She could handle it, the judges would enjoy it, and since America knows it, she might have received some votes. Paula says it was Kady's best performance to date. Simon has issues with her "massive lack of personality," calls her a robot, specifically calls her a Stepford Wife, and says she may be in trouble. Whatever, Kady thinks she done good, and she's "actually not sure" what Simon means. Okay, I'm done with this girl, too.

Amanda Overkill was embarrassed when the fireplace on her deck caught fire overnight and she was the last one out there and... that's the story? Nothing in Amanda's entire lifespan of 42 years is more embarrassing than being in an area which later caught fire?

She sings Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You," which...well, I'm not surprised. Okay. So Amanda struts around and mush-mouths her lyrics, but this time, at least, she manages not to come off as a raving drunk. Her dancing is a little awkward, like she's not comfortable in her own body. I dunno...she doesn't look happy. Still, for Amanda, this was good.

Judges. Randy: "That's the Amanda that we love...the bluesy rocker chick...that's who you really, really are." A heavy look of resigned disappointment falls over Amanda's face, because I don't think that's who she thinks she really, really is. About that: I don't love Amanda. Don't even like her. But who the fuck is Jackson to tell anybody who they really are? At least to her face. He should do the right thing and blog it on the internet behind her back. I get the impression Amanda didn't want to sing this song. Either it was the last available rock song on the list or she was pressured into it. Or maybe she's come to the realization that she just plain doesn't want to be sailing on this ship of fools. Paula babbles incoherently, but essentially dittos Randy. Simon completes the Trinity of Bullshit, calling Amanda's performance "fantastic." She looks so miserable that Simon actually tells her to smile. Amanda hunkers down for a long, cold stay in her new pop-rocker box.

Irish Carly, while in a bar (of course), once got her leg stuck in a banister. Her friend, who was "a little bit drunk" (of course), got some butter and oil and freed Carly as a crowd formed. Is there a song from the '80s about perpetuating stereotypes? If so, Carly should sing it.

She sings a catchy rendition of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night." It's bouncy...maybe a little too fast tempo-wise, but the Idoleers only get two minutes of song time, so I can forgive. Carly looks fantastic. Some makeup, a little curl in the hair...it gives her a boost. She hits the big notes when necessary, but doesn't have much in the way of presence. Still, a good job is done.

Judges. Randy loved it...says she keeps smashing it every week. Paula: "You are like a dependable dog." Simon didn't like it. He says he knows that as the Celine Dion version of the song. On Carly's behalf, I "whatever" him. Then he says it's not a great song, for starters. On Cyndi Lauper's behalf, I "whatever" him. Simon wants Carly to sing things like Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." But that's a Whitney song, too, isn't it, Simon...?

Confederate Kristy admits the embarrassment that, at the age of seven, she pretended she was a dog. She ran around on all fours and drank out of a bowl. Yes, Kristy, shame on you for being an imaginative child! Next time I see a kid pretending to be a dinosaur, I'll slap him, on principle.

She sings Journey's "Faithfully," trying to give it a country twang, because that was the marching order she was handed last week. Guess what? She's still dull. Also, her voice is vibrato-crazy, a little nasally up in her nasal, and then hella off key for the big note at the end. Can Kristy go home now? America? Hello?

Judges. Randy played with Journey, in case you didn't know. He liked the country lilt and says Kristy's version could actually be a country single. Paula smokes the same dope. "That could be a hit for you in country music!" Yes, the Country of the Deaf. Simon appreciated the country influence, but points out the Kristy is absolutely forgettable. He envisions her doing no better than coming in tenth. Well, that'll get her on the tour. Sorry, ticket-buyers.

Ramiele, the Small and Meek, was embarrassed in the fifth grade, when she biked to some boy's house, dropped off her "picture," only to watch from a hiding spot as the boy and his mother looked at the picture at laughed hysterically. The strength of this story rests on whether the picture was a drawing or an actual photo of Ramiele. The lesson is that if you're going to tell a story, tell it clearly and tell it well. The point is that, either way, I don't care.

She busts out some Phil Collins, singing "Against All Odds," and it's a little piano-bar-ish, but in a meh sort of way. Like you're hanging out, having a good time, then Ramiele starts singing, so you take the time to go pee. Don't get me wrong. As a former piano bar regular, I know those people are important. You gotta pee sometime. Vocally, she sounds like an adult, same as always, but it's another boring performance from this lackluster lineup of lethargic ladies.

Judges. Randy liked the vocal but thought she lacked confidence. Paula loves Ramiele's beautiful face, her pure voice, and the texture of something. Then she talks about the peanut gallery, calls the audience mutts, says she loves mutts, and then passes out in a pool of her own vomit. Simon likes the Smurfiness of Ramiele, but calls her predictable. I'll tic that box.

Brooke LilyWhite, when she was 12, ran out of church and threw her arms around the legs of her dad, begging to go home. Except it wasn't her dad. It was some random man. What's with all these childhood embarrassments? Nothing shamed me as a kid, except my chicken legs, but as an adult? I could write a book.

So Brooke invites me to be her best friend in the whole world by singing Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield." Better, it's Brooke unplugged. She sits on the edge of the stage and sings a subdued rendition of the song, accompanied by a single guitar (which she does not play herself). Her voice is lovely; vaguely reminiscent of Juice Newton, if you can remember back that far. Terrific!

Judges. Randy liked that somebody else was playing the guitar, although he brainfarts that he doesn't think Brooke brought anything new to the song. Has he heard the original? Paula worked on the video or something. Or the choreographer. Or she was once a dancing runaway prostitute. Who knows? Paula thought it was a wise choice, but would have liked the band to play more. Simon is glad the band didn't get involved, and applaudes Brooke for bringing something new to the song. I'm so tempted to vote for her, but if I do, she'll go home.

Syesha Me-Me-Mercado's most embarrassing moment was in second grade (holy doughnuts!), when she wrote a letter to a crush and included a piece of gum with the note. He told the teacher and ate the gum. That's it. That's the shame that Syesha carries with her to this day. These contestants have empty lives, that's all I'm saying.

She pulls out the Whitney. Ugh. "I'm Saving All My Love For You." Her voice, it pierces my soul with daggers of psychic pain. Why is she wearing silk hot pants? Ugh! Stop singing. Can Danny Noriega step in and finish? That would be a blessing.

Judges, pressed for time: Randy says, "Good. Good." Paula says, "Sophisticated. Lovely." Simon says, "Put your hands on your head." No, what he says is, "Predictable, but good." Frankie say, "Relax." It's over...it's over...

Tomorrow, two of these bad-song-choosing, off-key-singing, dreary-assed girls are going home. I'm happy to lose any of them, except for Brooke and maybe Ramiele, but I think Kady Malloy's number is up, and maybe/probably Amanda Overmyer.

As I write this, I'm minutes away from watching the results show.

The suspense, it kills.

Choose life!
-Frank