Top 16: Guys

Always something there to annoy me

by Frank Pittarese

Eight guys are chasing six places in the Top 12. Two of them will be sent home based on tonight's performances. Can we send three? Can we send them before they sing? This is American Idol. Do not take if you have difficulty swallowing.

Ryan looks good tonight: jeans, stripey shirt, no tie, dark blazer. He tells us the musical theme is the 1980s, and the clip theme is "My Most Embarrassing Moment That Doesn't Include Appearing On This Show In The First Place."

When Luke Menarzzzz was a kid, his sister dressed him up like a ballerina and took a picture of him. She put barrettes in his hair! Barrettes!! Whatever. Danny Noriega dresses like that every week and we don't hear him complain.

Luke sings Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" like a castrated Mickey Mouse. He's pitchy, out of step with the music, and out of breath for most of the song. This is terrible. Straight boys should never sing this song.

Judges. Randy lies, saying it started rough but despite being a little corny, was "all right." I know that's faint praise, but people, this was ear abuse. Paula tells us she choreographed George Michael's tour, and she loved Luke's performance. She's on the happy pills tonight, so take everything she says tonight with a pinch of 'dubious.' Simon hated it. It was weak, he says, a bit girly, and there's no chance Luke will make it to the Final 12. "You can't win!"

Before Little David can reveal his most embarrassing moment, Seacrest feels the need to tell us that David is thirsty and that he has to pee. Also, he needs to be burped. What's his most embarrassing moment? This one time, he was singing at a fundraiser in Honduras and his voice cut out in the middle of the song, so his mother ran on stage and finished the song for him. Okay, that was a good one. As much as I love Little David, I'd be thrilled to see that happen here on live TV.

He sings "Another Day in Paradise," starting off solo at the piano before abandoning his instrument and singing while the band plays him through. There are a couple of very subtle wonky notes, but otherwise, this is really good. It's not as poignant as "Imagine," but come on, this is a Phil Collins joint.

Judges. Randy says it was nice, but the song didn’t show off David's vocal prowess. Paula enjoyed David's bum notes because it proved to her that he's not a magical leprechaun or something. Then she turns to the elf she sees sitting on her shoulder and gives it a kiss. Simon says David is "getting a little bit gloomy" and shouldn't keep singing sad songs. You know Cowell is pissy because he wanted to hear "Sussudio." David's Bullshit Certificate makes its first appearance, as he defends his performance by saying he wanted to make a statement about homelessness (and not show off by playing the piano). Who knows? Maybe he got really close to Josiah Lemming during Hollywood Week.

Gay Danny's most embarrassing moment was when a friend tripped him at the movies, causing him to fall down the stairs, and "accidentally" land on one of his (gender-neutral) crushes. Scandal! "That was TMTH," he explains. Then the show explains to everyone over the age of 15 that TMTH means "too much to handle." STFU, Gay Danny.

He sings the draggiest version of "Tainted Love" in all of creation, stomping around the stage like a one-man Janet Jackson comeback tour. It's Danny. Miss Noriega, if you're nasty. He's being all slinky and trying to make sexy eyes at the camera, with a bit of the ass-wiggling thrown in for good measure. My corneas are burning. I'm not sure about the vocals, but I think they suck.

Judges. Randy is like, "huh? " Then he encourages Danny to be more vocally confident, because physically he's about reached the limit of what any of us can bear. Paula says Danny is a bright light in the competition, has great vocals, and that he should take the purple streaks out of his hair. Then they turn into Karen Walker and Jack McFarland, talking about how fabulous Danny is. Simon cuts them off before they can start dry-humping each other and comparing racks. He thought it was "absolutely useless." He hated the performance, the vocals, the level of oxygen in the room and the fact that Earth is the third planet from the Sun. Danny is like "whatever," but for 10 fucking minutes.

David Hernandez's most embarrassing moment was this week, when he got outed as a male stripper in a gay nudie bar. Oh, no it wasn't. It's that he did a photo shoot and when the proofs came back, he had a booger in his nose in every shot. Dude, you should have gone with the stripper story, because comparatively...

Stripper David sings "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," originally recorded by Pandora's Box in 1989, but not becoming known till Celine Dion in 1996. I think he's singing the Celine version. Can I call theme bullshit? Anyway, this is typical David. Good vocals, but a terror to watch. Perfectly plucked eyebrows rising and falling, crazy eyes, body language that would make Judy Garland proud.

Judges. Randy liked the song choice and mostly thought it was really good. Paula says David is getting into his groove. Simon would prefer David to sing "more of the soul songs," but is sure he'll make the finals. Then David kisses up to Randy by showing off his shoes (which are ugly, I'm just sayin'). David thinks he's far more interesting and cool than he actually is, which is not at all.

Australian Michael was really embarrassed when he was working as a mascot, dressed as a kangaroo at rugby match. Four guys jumped him, beat him up, then violated him anally. Okay, I made up that last part, but how embarrassing can it have been if nobody saw your face, Australian Michael? Huh? Huh?

He's singing Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)." Like Stripper David, Australian Michael is difficult to watch. He "dances" around, leaning back a lot, with his arms raised like he's trying to make it rain. Sometimes he even hops. Question: Is he a man in a kangaroo suit or a kangaroo in a man suit? That's one to grow on. This performance isn't bad, I just find him irritating. Michael isn't especially endearing, and he sometimes comes off as smug. Eh.

Judges. Randy says that "the Aussie boy goes home" and that David reminds him of Michael Hutchence. I think Randy thinks he just heard an INXS song. He loved it. Paula loved many different things in random ways, including Michael's lower range, his presence, and unicorns. Simon liked it, but didn't love it, and says that Michael has yet to find his moment. Again, like David, Simon sees him as more of a soul singer than a "wannabe rock singer." Heh. Suck it, Australian Michael. Cowell just called you out.

David Cookie Monster and his big muppet head confirm that his guitar works before revealing that as a kid, in a talent show, he forgot the second verse of a song and stood on stage like a dumb ass. Then David Archuleta's mother came and finished the song for him.

His song of choice is the Lionel Richie tune, "Hello." That's one about the blind girl who sculpts a bust of Richie, despite having never touched his face, and then he calls her on the phone like a stalker, and all he says is "hello," but she's down with that even though he's her acting teacher and is, like, 20 years older than she is and also a little skeevy. Oh, so...David. He plays his electric guitar and power ballads the shit out of this song and it is fucking awesome. Let's face it, the original version of "Hello" is pretty woeful. David Cook does that thing the judges are always on about: he makes it contemporary and relevant. And it sounds great. I'd vote for him, except that my votes tend to send people home (Garrett, Alaina, Potsie).

Judges. Randy loved David's "slightly emo version" of the song and says it could be a hit today. Paula dittos that, adding that it should be a hit today. Simon says it was "a very brave thing to do, and I loved it." Then he tells how he ran into Lionel Richie at the supermarket last week. Simon was in whole foods and Lionel was buying cereal. Just like regular folks. Can you imagine? Cowell seems like the kind of guy who would have minions for that sort of thing. Dwarf minions.

Jason Dreadlock was shamed when, while on a date with a particular girl at a restaurant, one of his dirty, flea-ridden dreads came out just as the food was being served. He had been trying to tie his hair back, but instead got a handful of hair turd. Jason, when the universe tries to send you a message, you should really listen.

He sings Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah," best known as being recorded by Jeff Buckley, better known as being the montage music at the end of every primetime drama you've ever seen sine birth. In other news, "hallelujah" is a bitch to spell. Jason is sans guitar this week, but an old band dude is playing the acoustic, letting Jason sit and sing. It's nice. Pretty. Boring as hell, but pretty.

Judges. Randy says Jason did a good job on a tough song. It is? I'm singing it right now, and it's not that bad. I am finding the lyrics problematic, on account of how I don't know them. Paula says Jason showed a "beautiful vulnerability" by leaving his guitar behind. Simon says the Buckley version of the song is one of his favorites of all time. He also likes that damned "Unchained Melody." I don't think Simon and I will ever burn mix-CDs for each other. "It was absolutely brilliant," he says. Then he says that Jason is getting "better and better and better." Except for last week, when he said Jason sucked as compared to the week before.

Chikezie-peasy was embarrassed in high school, when he constantly used a particular bathroom because it was clean. Then one day, he noticed the "Ladies Room" sign on the door. This was a revelation to Chikezie, who always wondered why there were no urinals in the room. Did he think the sanitary napkin dispensers doled out disposable jock straps?

He sings some vaguely familiar song...very Jeffrey Osbourne/Luthor Vandross-sounding. "All The (Woman) That I Need," I think it's called. It's good. Chikezie has been growing on me these last couple of weeks, singing songs I don't know and singing them well.

Judges. Randy says Chikezie did a really good job. Paula was waiting for an upbeat thing, on account of his personality, but was surprised by this romantic ballad. Paula drunk-dials the room: "Your vocals sound really good tonight, realllly good. All the guys, you guys are rockin'! It's so good tonight! I'm so excited!" Then she flashes her tits and yells "Spring Break, woooo!" Simon asks if that was a Whitney Houston song. Chikezie history books it for us: Sister Sledge sang it, Peabo Bryson sang it, and yes, Miss Whitney sang it. So Simon is like, "Well then it's a Whitney Houston song and you shouldn't have picked it." And that's that. Period. Case closed. End of story. Simon doesn't hear you, la, la, la, la, la.

And I don't hear Simon, because the episode is ovah.

Who goes home? I think Luke Menard's time has come. Danny Noriega, too, although he might have some strange Cult of Misfits following. But those are the two I'd boot.

Tomorrow, the ladies sing the '80s. Hopefully, they'll pick some better songs. If I don't hear "Love is a Battlefield," I'm gonna break out some whup-ass on this show.

You spin me right round, baby, right round...
-Frank