Top 20: Results
Hello, and get out
by Frank Pittarese"The competition is fierce. The eliminations are inevitable. The drama is real." And also, manufactured. This is American Idol. One size fits all.
Seacrest asks Randy what's up with the retro theme nights. Randy's answer, and I'm paraphrasing, is something like, "Today's music sucks gorilla balls, so bring on the songs of yesteryear." But don't be old-fashioned. Tonight, four people who couldn't handle the 1970s will go the way of disco.
Group sing. Australian Michael starts off with a solo, coming down the stairs and trading off to David Cook. David Cook looks so much like a muppet that I want to sing the alphabet song when I see him. The other boys appear. Of note: Danny Noriega came dressed as a transgender Freddy Krueger. Confederate Kristy and Irish Carly get solos up on the balcony. ("Vote for them... ," whispers the Show Demon. "Vote for themmm...") Alexandréa is up there, too, wearing one of Robbie's bandanas. I could excuse Amanda Overmyer's singing if she were holding a cigarette and swigging sips of whiskey straight from the bottle. But as is, she's inexcusable. Oh, there's Luke Menard. I forgot he existed. By this time, they gang is singing "The Things We Do For Love," and sounding very much like the Silver Platters. (It's 85 cents per letter, Jan!). I don't think Kady's mic is on. David Hernandez shakes his ass like the stripper he is. Allegedly. In the end, the earth moves under everyone's feet, and the sky tumbles down, leaving all the boys on their knees, a position familiar to some of them, if not most.
First elimination. Australian Michael is safe. Chikezie is safe. Jason Dreadlock is safe. That leaves Jason Yaeger and Danny Noriega. Jason is out. He's sad, as you might expect, but as a Never Seen, he was doomed from the start. And as a Potsie, there was no hope. Simon thinks Jason needs "a heck of a lot of experience" and he lacks charisma. "You just don't stand out." He sings "Long Train Runnin'" one more time before fading into eternal oblivion.
Second elimination. Kristy is safe. Asia'h is safe. Brooke is...uh oh...oh, good, she's safe! That leaves Amanda Overmyer and Alexandréa Lushington. My luck only runs one way, so I know how this is going. Amanda is safe. Alexandréa is going home. Randy thinks she picked the wrong song, since "If You Leave Me Now," is something no one can relate to. He's right. Statistically, not a single couple has broken up in America since 1978. In other news, David Archuleta is crying on the shoulder of Luke Menard, which will score both of them a few extra votes, should they survive night. In David's case, are you kidding me?
Third elimination. Irish Carly is safe. Also, she's still Irish. Ramiele tries to hide behind Alaina Whitaker, like that's gonna help, but Ramiele is also safe. Syesha Mercado is (please, God, oh, please, oh, please...) safe (damn!). That leaves Alaina, who I currently love, and Kady Malloy. So, of course, Alaina is going home. There are tears. Alaina bawls, "I can't sing!" Meaning that she can't do the sing-out which is expected of her. So Ryan, doing that supportive thing he used to do all the time, but less so in recent seasons, vamps. He chats with Alaina, asks questions of the judges, then gives Alaina a choice. She can sing, if she wants, but she doesn't have to, if she doesn't want to. Well, what happens if she doesn't want to? Will Ryan dance a jig? We never find out. Alaina sings herself out with "Hopelessly Devoted to You," and despite the crying, it's better than it was last night. Goodbye, my segregated foodstuffs friend! In other news, Danny Noriega is suffering a nervous breakdown -- but Luke is giving him no love.
After the break, Seacrest gives us some Idol news. On March 11th, the Top 12 will perform for the first time. Now I finally have a reason to live. We're getting a new set, new opening graphics, and Ruben Studdard has recorded this year's exit song. Because what else does he have to do? Also, Top 12 Night will feature a Beatles theme. I think if we collectively start drinking now, it'll be okay by then. Then Ryan threatens us with the return of "Idol Gives Back" on April 9th. The mission, he says, "is to raise even more money for starving and underprivileged children in America and in Africa." As always, fuck Mexico.
Fourth elimination. Everybody is safe except for Luke Menard and Robbie Carrico. They're called forth, and, as predicted, Robbie Carrico is taking his wannabe-rocker, bandana-headed, wallet chain-wearing ass home. Simon reminds Robbie that he was a big phony baloney. "It's all about authenticity," he tells the ex-boy bander. And this show is nothing if not authentic.
Next week, presumably (and hopefully), is '80s Night. Which girl will want to have fun? Which boy will be working for the weekend? Will Danny Noriega call Ghostbusters? Will Syesha just call to say 'I love you'? If Amanda is smart, she'll have a total eclipse of the heart.
Till then, I'll be dusting off the shoulder pads and parachute pants...
-Frank
