Top 20: Guys

Kleenex will be provided at the door

by Frank Pittarese

Ryan, like the cheese, stands alone. "The eyes of America are trained on a simple stage. And from that stage, a superstar will emerge." Britney is here?!? Oh, he's talking about the contestants. Pfft. This is American Idol. Shelby, drink your juice.

The Top 10 guys sing tonight, moving forward in time from last week's '60s theme to this week's '70s night. The boys get quick intros to level applause, except for when David Archuleta saunters by at the end. Then there's screaming. What are the possible futures for David? Will he stay sweet and innocent, only to have complacent viewers fail to vote him through to Week Five? Will he get booted after choosing to sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" during '80s night? Will he win the show only to become an arrogant monster? I much fear the Aikenization of David Archuleta.

Randy hopes the nerves are gone and tells the boys to make sure they're in it to win it. Paula thinks the guys are growing into their own comfort level, or, in some cases, puberty. Simon thinks the sucky ones need to "be better."

Tonight's clip theme is "Interesting Things America Might Not Know About the Contestants, But Which They Definitely Don't Care About." Or, "Filler."

Michael Johns, Australian phony-pants, says that America would be surprised to learn that he's a jock. He reveals that tennis is his "main sport." How butch! He's played since childhood, and finds it an excellent way to get away from the studio or from writing. Because he's such a creative dynamo.

He sings Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way." His voice is weak and thready, and his face looks like he's straining to get the song out. At times, it sounds that way, too. He's not especially in tune, either. Eh. This guy... Did he audition for Rock Star: INXS? He looks like somebody who would.

Randy thinks it might not have been Michael's best, that he needed to "let go," but he's a good singer. No. He's not. Paula says he got the whole crowd working. Because they're lemmings. Simon thought it was okay, but Michael's weakest performance to date. Paula starts to argue how it was good "from the women's point of view." I can't speak on that, but as a gay homosexual, I found it to be stinky.

Jason Castro, from the Planet of the Dreadlocks, wants us to know that he really hates doing interviews. We see retakes and awkward moments. "I just really like to sing...there's just been more not-music stuff than I thought. Like taking pictures. And talking." There should also be hair-cutting.

He sings "I Just Want To Be Your Everything" from the dead and almost-awesome Andy Gibb. Jason's guitar is back, and he strums along like a hippie at Woodstock. Vocally, he's a little soft. The band overpowers him, and I think he's more focused on his playing than his singing. What say you, judges?

Randy thought the vocals weren't great, and calls the guitar "cute." Paula, in a moment of lucidity, compliments Jason on the arrangement, but advises him to lose the guitar next week and "allow yourself to be more vulnerable as an artist." And if that doesn't work, dance like there's no tomorrow. Simon thought the song was too schmaltzy, and co-signs the weak vocal criticism. "You didn't do yourself any favors at all tonight." But I think he'll be okay.

Luke Menard, from the Planet of the Boring, would like us to know that he's part of an a cappella group. So this singer's secret is that he sings. That's wild. They travel to colleges and have been overseas twice. We see them singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and, as a group, they're very Color Me Badd-gone-Christian. Luke thinks his experience will make him less dull and lead to great success on the Idol.

He performs Queen's "Killer Queen" in the same weak falsetto we heard last week. In terms of presence and personality, Luke basically stands in place staring directly into whatever camera is before him. He's...well, he's trying, I guess. His voice is so damn piercing, though. Luke might be a better actor than a singer. He's got good soap opera looks. But the singing, not so much.

Randy says it was pretty good, despite some pitch problems. Say what? Paula thinks Luke picked the perfect song. "It was really great!" Simon says "the singer of that song" (some dude named Freddie Mercury, I think) had charisma and personality. Luke didn't. Then he calls him whiny. I agree. Circle gets the square.

On the Coke couch, Ryan quizzes Robbie about the whole "rocker authenticity" thing. To refresh, Robbie is an ex-boy bander who came dressed as Whitesnake and expects to be taken seriously. Robbie is like, "I get out there, I'm me, get used to it."

Robbie Carrico's secret passion is that he drag races. We see him doing so. Vrooom, vrooom. How do people watch NASCAR without going completely mental?

He sings Foreigner's "Hot Blooded." What can I say? Robbie isn't wearing a hat. Boy got a big head. He is wearing his finest wallet chain. Vocally, he's okay. Nothing great. Again, the band is overpowering the singer. I like the drums. Robbie's boyband training kicks in, and he physically interprets the lyrics. "Got a fever of a hundred and three," (holds up one finger, then three). "Come on, baby," (waves 'come on'). "Are you hot mama," (sings at Paula). This would be really good if it was 1989 and we were at a Nelson concert. And high on the weed.

Randy isn't buying the rocker thing. Robbie doesn't have enough "unngghh" in his voice. Paula philosophizes: "How does anyone know who you are but you?" How about showing us, Robbie, instead of telling us? Also, stop wearing the Halloween costume. (Amanda, are you listening?) Paula does feel that Robbie played it safe. Simon thought the vocal was okay and that Robbie needn't be so defensive. I think that at this point, all involved should be concerned with the quality of the vocals and not worry about this one being a rocker or that one being country. Just let the performances stand on their own and let them define the performer. But no, everyone needs a label. That's coming from Robbie and the judges, both. Just zip it, all four of you.

Danny Noreiga was in a "punk" band while in the 9th grade. That's what, last month? Photos reveal that Danny was once Molly Ringwald. Love the leopard-skin pants. The band broke up after one show. "We realized we sucked." If only things ran as smoothly on this program.

He sings Carpenters' "Superstar," and while more sedate than last week, I'm not loving it. He's got a decent voice, but this song requires absolute vocal control to be effective, and Danny isn't there yet. Parts of it are okay, but he fails to communicate the sadness of the song. It's not a train wreck, though.

Randy is a fan, but thought Danny should speed up his vibratto and not overthink his performance. Paula dittos Randy and says Danny has "amazing vocal skill." Simon liked this better than last week, and also that Danny stands out in a crowd. "You look terrific on-camera, by the way," Simon Queer-Eyes. Then Danny half-apologizes for sassing Simon last week. Sassing is 98 percent of your charm, kiddo. Don't apologize.

David Hernandez says America might be surprised to learn that he was a gymnast. I register no surprise. This was back when he was a child, and he could do cartwheels and he won medals. Fascinating! Tell me more!

He sings "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone" like Liza with a 'Z.' Vocally, he's near-perfect, but to look at him...he should be wearing a feather boa and something sparkly. He's such a lady. I'm still not a fan of the ever-shifting eyebrows and odd facial tics. And I know this is a singing competition (allegedly), but if you're going to sing on my TV set, I'm gonna go after your La Cage aux Folles affectations.

Randy: "That was hot!" Paula loves David's pure voice, and that every note was in "the pocket." Simon says it was the best vocal of the night, so far. That's technically true, I suppose. Then Simon commends David for not being a bitch like half the other contestants and complaining about his critiques.

Jason Yaeger wants us to know that he plays multiple instruments. He's self-taught on guitar, piano, and drums. I wonder how he is with a mouth organ. What? It's a legitimate question. He doesn't want to take an instrument into the competition till it's the right song at the right time, so bite the wall, David Cook.

Jason sings "Long Train Runnin'" by the Doobie Brothers, who are most famous for that episode of What's Happening where Rerun gets caught making a bootleg recording of their concert. Silly Rerun! Jason wears this song better than last week's croon-fest. I like the sound of his voice, despite its Potsie-rides-the-Love-Boat quality. Also, Jason is dancing, which, on the right guy, is kinda sexy. He's all smiles. I think he thinks that he did really well. Objectively, he was much better than last week. But, the show feels differently...

Randy: "Oh, God, dude..." He goes after Jason for choosing the song, then calls it pitchy (it wasn't), then karaoke (I'll give him that). Paula says "the song has not many notes in it." She wants Jason to pick "singer songs" instead of those songs with no singing in them; preferrably ones with more notes. Thanks, Paula! Simon calls Jason awkward and ordinary. "It was like you were drunk at a party." Jason looks about ready to cry, because again, he thought he done good. I feel for him, but I'm a sap (stay tuned for more on that front). He says he tried to keep it lively, but nobody wants to buy what he's selling. I end up voting for him upwards of ten times, because I'm weak and backsliding.

Chikezie's secret is that his full name has meaning in Nigerian. It tranlates into: Something well-created by God. That's nice. My name probably translates into: Needs to spend less time on the internet looking at porn.

Chikezie has traded in the "Leisure Suit Larry" look for a simple jeans and polo-shirt operation. He's doing the double-polo thing, actually, wearing one on top of the other. Lime green under royal blue. That's more suited for '80's night, but whatever. He looks sane tonight, and sings a Donny Hathaway song I've never heard before, "I Believe to My Soul," and it's good. Really good! If you can sing a song I don't know and hold my attention, that's something. Watching it live, it's the best of the night for me, so far. That'll change, but I just wanna give Chikezie his props.

Randy: "That was blazing...that was hot, baby!" Paula liked that Chikezie picked a song with a story and it was fun. Simon says he looks and sounds a million times better than last week. Then they get into some back and forth about last week's hijinks. Chickezie says he let Simon get to him, apologizes, then makes a crack about his Simon's outfit. "Just when I'm beginning to like you, you become obnoxious," says Simon. Everybody has a laugh and Chikezie scores some Personality Points.

David Cook likes words. "I'm a huge word nerd," he says. He likes doing crossword puzzles, word searches, and deciphering the spoken word of Paula Abdul.

With electric guitar in-hand, he performs Free's "All Right Now." His voice is well-suited for the song, but it only catches my attention during the shouty parts. David looks relaxed and comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that during the first chorus, he wanders away from the mic in order to strum his instrument at the judges. The back-up singers handle it. David does what he wants. Anyway, he doesn't pack the punch of early Daughtry, but of all this season's alleged rockers, this guys seems the most authentic (for whatever the hell that's worth).

Randy semi-agrees with me. He "really kinda believed" David. It's curious to me that this season, it's less about whether these rock people have skill and more about whether they're real. Paula says David's got it. "It was very smart, very fun, very relevant to who you are." Simon, ever the contrarian, says that David lacks charisma. David gets lippy. "Unfortunately, I don't have to win you over...I've got to win (the audience) over." Simon takes this as an attack, and goes on about how he knows what the rules of this competition are and it's not David's place to tell him those rules. David apologizes, despite the fact that, on paper, he's right. Winning over the audience or Simon has nothing to do with "the rules." The viewers vote. They're David's bigger priority. His remark is no different from one Justin Guarini made in Season One, and he lasted all the way to the Final Two, so Simon should stop crying for his mama.

Little David Archuleta reveals that when he was 11, he met the first season Idol finalists, on Finale Night, in a hotel lobby. We see Zapruder footage of the event, as an even littler David belts out "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" for some vid-fuzzy Idoleers. Romper stomper bomper boo. I see Kelly Clarkson...I see Jim Verraros...I see Tamyra Gray. They love him, because how can you not?

Tonight, David sings John Lennon's "Imagine." He's accompanied by an accoustic guitar. No band, no back-up singers. True confession time: I almost cried. Seriously, I'm listening to this kid sing, and my eyes are welling up. I need to be medicated. Vocally, David is great. He doesn't change the tempo of the song very much, but still manages to "make it his own," as they say. Simply awesome. The audience goes ape.

Randy says it's one of the best vocals he's ever heard on the show. "That was brilliant." Paula is crying. Normally, I'd mock her, but tonight, I share her shame. However, David's performance made Paula homicidal. "I want to squish you, squeeze your head off, and dangle you from my rearview mirror." Simon says it was very risky to sing the Lennon, then calls David the one to beat. "There are nineteen very miserable contestants sitting here tonight," he says. For serious. I bet Australian Michael would love to have David's precocious head dangling from his rearview mirror right now.

David thanks the judges and everyone in creation, the audience screams, and Paula wipes her tears away. I voted for him a few times, but less than Jason, who needs it. Strangely, most of the times I called, I got a message saying that I wasn't authorized to dial David's number. It would suck if some telephone glitch got him booted, eh?

So who goes home this week? I don't think my votes will keep Jason Yaeger around. We'll probably lose him. The other ejection will come down to Robbie Carrico or Luke Menard. Luke is boring, but easy on the eyes, and I think Robbie's "rocker" votes will go to Australian Michael or David Cook, so he'll fade away, bandana and all.

Tomorrow, the girls take their turn singing the '70s.

Boo-hoo...
Frank