Top 24: Results

America is stupid

by Frank Pittarese

Here it is, short and sweet: four people are going home tonight. Three of those people should be staying. This is American Idol. Don't ask, don't tell.

Group sing. The boys are all dressed in black suits. They're supposed to look retro, but instead they look like extras from Bugsy Malone. (Leif) Garrett and Robbie Carrico are wearing hats. Of course, Robbie is wearing a hat. They start off harmonizing with Jason 'Dreadlock' Castro and David Archuleta on "Needles and Pins." The harmonies are not fantastic. The others pipe in: Australian Michael, bookended by Chikezie and Colton Berry. Colton looks quite nice with his hair slicked down. Chikezie still creeps me out. There goes Luke Menard, Danny Noriega, and that other David guy...I forgot about them. That's promising. Who's left? Jason Yeager and David Cook. Meh. These voices are not in synch.

Enter: the girls, all dressed like Twiggy, with go-go boots and mod little hats and outfits. They look fabulous, although Amanda Overmyer wears an expression implying that she feels otherwise. Maybe that rocker gear she usually wears isn't a costume, after all. They're singing "Spanish Harlem," and as a committee, they sound much, much better than the boys. Still, none of them really pop, except for Ramiele Mulabay. Somebody should give her a box to stand on. Seacrest must have one.

The groups merge to the tune of "Bend Me, Shake Me." There are too many people on stage for this to sound good, but unfortunately, not enough people on stage for it to collapse and free me from this curse.

First elimination. Seacrest starts by calling out Garrett. How does Garrett feel? "Great, just waiting till it gets on." It's been quite a journey, hasn't it been? "Yeah. Lotta fun, though." It's tough to say goodbye to anybody, but tonight we're saying goodbye to you. "Really?" Really. And easy as you please, Garrett is dismissed. And that's messed up, because there were others (Jason and Luke, especially) who were far worse. But Garrett was a Never Seen, so his fate was sealed from the beginning.

He re-sings "Breaking Up is Hard to Do," while his family looks on. Some of the Idol girls wave at him, but aside from Kady Malloy, who fans her face to keep the "tears" away, there's not much emotion happening. I feel bad for the kid, but that's this show for you. It's a back-stabber.

Second elimination. Kristy Lee Cooke is summoned downstage. She was awful. She's gotta be going home. Seacrest reminds us that Kristy had the flu yesterday (translation: she doesn't really suck, viewers, honest!). He tells her to get some rest, then unceremoniously evicts Amy Davis. Not a surprise, but jeez, way to give these kids whiplash. Amy reprises her "Where the Boys Are" performance from last night. Jinkies! It sounds just as bad now as it did then. Tone deaf bad. America got this one right, at least.

Filler. Did you know Paula Abdul has released a new single? It's called "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow," and it's on Randy's new album. Yes, Randy Jackson. What is it an album of? I don't understand. Paula should have called her song "Sing Like There's No Tomorrow" and used it as this season's anthem, but I guess she lacked the foresight. Also, Paula doesn't really sing, does she?

The video. Paula wearing red and singing in the wind. Dancers, dancing like there's no tomorrow. But slowly, like there's no next Friday. Paula in a sexy outfit, "singing" in front of a band. She sounds like a Casio keyboard. Randy on guitar. I know he can really play. He toured with Journey, if you haven't heard. But seeing him play is a little jarring and embarrassing. Like catching your dad in his underwear. Paula dancing with the dancers. Dance, dance, pose in the shape of a boat (!), and dance. She's not killing herself here, but she's still pretty spry for a woman of a certain age. The song is overproduced crap, don't get me wrong, but it's catchy pop. On the Abdul-o-meter, it's not as good as "The Way That You Love Me," but much better than "Rush, Rush." But at least the video for that one had Keanu in it. Now, we get Randy. Couldn't she at least have cast one of those dweebs from The Hills?

Third elimination. Amanda Overmyer and Joanne Borgella get called down. This is interesting. I don't like Amanda a whole lot. Her performances feel forced and a little fake. And the show has been pushing her on us for weeks. Could America have gotten fed up? Joanne got a bit of play, and she was the last girl to enter the Top 24. All we know about her is that she's a plus-size model and fatty, fat, obesity. Granted, she was probably edited to be a one-note weight-obsessed character, but her performance last night wasn't astounding enough to save her. This could go either way, but I'd really prefer to lose Amanda. In other news, why is Kristy Lee Cook still here?!? The second girl to get eliminated is Joanne Borgella.

Conspiracy Theory Alert! Amanda and Joanne were not described as tonight's bottom two contestants. Could Amanda's scare be tactic to pull in more rocker votes? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Randy says Joanne's nerves got the best of her. Simon calls her song choice horrible, and that this should serve as a lesson that "you can't breeze your way" through this competition (Kristy). "That's what happens," he chides.

Joanne says a little prayer for us, while Ramiele sobs on the arm of Irish Carly. Kady Malloy and Asia'h Epperson are also in tears. Joanne's brother looks pissssed. The boys aren't bothered.

Fourth elimination. Chikezie and Colton Berry are called forth. I know where this is going. So does Colton. Chikezie scores some points with me by putting his arm around Colton and giving him a little pat. Hey, if I can't do it, somebody should. We're reminded that Simon thought Colton was irrelevant and wasted Cowell's time singing "Suspicious Minds." America voted. Colton is going home. And I damn near throw a shoe at my TV set. America, if you're reading this, you are idiots. Don't talk to me anymore.

Conspiracy Theory Alert! What applied to Amanda, applies to Chikezie. Are the producers trying to rally up some Worry Votes for him? If he punks out of the semi-finals, that will leave exactly zero African-American males in the Top 12 (a series first, I believe). The show could lose the talent, but they don't want to lose a key viewership demographic. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Paula, should Colton keep on singing? "That should never even be a question that ever enters your head. You are talented...go for it." Then Simon turns into a miserable rag. "Get a good job and enjoy singing, because I don't think you'll make a successful career out of it." Randy and Paula are like, "Shut the fuck up," as Colton tries not to cry.

I felt bad for Garrett, but I feel friggin' terrible for Colton, who got fucked from all sides. First, the story editors kept him off-camera for the length of the audition episodes, giving him just a few seconds of airtime in Hollywood. Then, the producers thought it would be a good idea to put him in a head-to-head competition against the much-seen, very likeable, Kyle Ensley for the final T24 spot. Colton got the gig, essentially with Kyle's blood on hands. So Simon attacked him. The viewers were subliminally programmed to hate this kid. Colton took away Kyle's spot...even Simon knows it. Do you see? Then Simon, a bitter old queen, tore into Colton after last night's performance -- a critique having more to do with his own personal anger over Kyle's ouster than anything Colton actually did.

This show is always manipulative, but in Colton's case, it's like they went an extra mile to totally destroy him. It's bullshit. It's like they saved all of the unaired meanness from the audition rounds only to dump the lot of it on Colton's head. I've often said that the producers control this game from the beginning. If this isn't proof, I don't know what is.

Whew.

Anyway, Colton sings himself out. Ramiele and Kady weep in each other's arms like Colton is being strapped to the electric chair. Danny Noreiga is also in tears, as the gay alliance crumbles before his eyes. Most of the other guys are stone-faced. David Cook might be shedding a tear, but I'm not sure. Michael Johns looks like he doesn't give a toss. He's safe, that's all he cares about.

Next week, 20 become 16.

Do me a favor, America, don't vote.
-Frank