Top 24: Guys Night

Old-fashioned is the new pitchy

by Frank Pittarese

With auditions over and, thankfully, done, the Top 24 are ready to perform. Over the next three weeks, they'll sing before a live audience, get mocked on The Soup, and be voted off for lack of coverage during the audition rounds. Tonight, the guys will sing songs from the 1960s. This is American Idol. The check is in the mail.

Any thoughts from the judges before this life-changing event begins? Randy wants the boys to keep it real. Real? This show? Paula says everyone should pick the right song and have a blast. And if you're a boy, wear tight pants. Simon notes that he's looking for someone with personality and originality who can sing well. Except for all the times when he's not looking for that.

David Hernandez, 24, was first seen during Hollywood Week, despite the show trying to convince us that we'd seen him before. In his flashback clips, we're reminded how overblown and theatrical his performances were. The nicest voice in the world won't distract me from weird facial tics and droopy eyelids. David tells of his broken family and single-mom childhood. He's about three weeks late to the pity party. Come back after you've recovered from a drug addiction, Davey. Meth is very popular this season.

He sings Wilson Pickett's "In the Midnight Hour," starting it off with a gospel riff before going Vegas on its ass. Dude has no personality. My left sock is more entertaining. I mean, he's trying, but it's too showbizzy. I'm not a fan. Randy liked the gospel thing, but advises David to hold some long notes in the future. Paula likes how he colors up his vocals. Simon thought the beginning of the song was terrific, but it degraded. David should loosen up. "It was better than I thought it was gonna be."

Chikezie Eze, 22, has dropped the "Eze." Is that what Randy meant by keeping things real? Last year, he got booted at the end of Hollywood Week, back when the judges separated everyone into rooms and announced their failure or success. Ah, the good old days. Anyway, Chikezie says he worked hard, came back, and it feels good.

Dressed as a Pip (as in Gladys Night and the) in a dark orange tux, sans tie, he looks at the camera with crazy eyes and sings an almost unrecognizable arrangement of Spiral Starecase's " More Today Than Yesterday." Vocally, he's fine. He's better than many of the guys we'll hear later tonight. I don't find him especially engaging.

Randy goes after him for being old-fashioned, but he liked it well enough. Paula, apropos of nothing: "People may not know he's lost a lot of weight." Simon, after calling Chikezie "Jacuzzi," says he hated the performance. He starts with the "hideous" suit, then co-signs Randy's old-fashioned critique, throwing in and additional "corny" and "cheesy." Chickezie is like, "Old-fashioned? It's '60s night!" But Simon ain't tryin' to hear that.

Commercials. People, I am not shitting you. There's a Geico ad on, the Pips are in it, and they're wearing the same damn suit.

In a desperate effort to get us to give a rip about Colton Berry, Seacrest chats with him on the Coke couch while David Cook looks like he's about to face a firing squad. What would Colton like people to know about him? "Only that from certain angles I look like Ellen DeGeneres." Way to kill the mood, Colton.

David Cook, 25, was the rocker guy in the sweater vest who originally auditioned with "Livin' on a Prayer." In Hollywood, Simon felt David was hiding behind his guitar. Um...the one he was playing at the time? Tonight, he sings the Turtles' "Happy Together," starting off slow then picking up the tempo after the first couple of lines. It's okay. He's just a guy with a semi-gruff, masculine voice singing a peppy song. He gets loud at the end, yelling out the last note. Eh.

Randy starts raving about how awesome and authentically rock it was. Huh? Paula dittos that. Simon wasn't a fan of the shouting or the song choice, but thought it was good. Then Randy says that it was like Alice in Chains was singing the song. I think Randy's been drinking Paula's "soda."

Jason Yaeger, 28, is a Never Seen. Now, for the first time, we see two seconds of his audition and get his backstory. A handsome fellow, with a blond streak in his hair, Jason is a singing waiter. He has a son. The kid looks to be about 8, there's no mention of mom, and Jason wears no ring. Gay dad? Single dad? Single gay dad? Whatever, there's no sob story here, so we're good. Jason wants to show his son that you can achieve your dreams. So he performs "Moon River." Remember when Potsie sang on Happy Days? It's like that. So boring. He sounds like a wedding singer. Son-of-Jason watches his dad with affection from the audience. Not to be mean, but there's an episode of The Simpsons where Bart and Milhouse put on wigs and sing "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves." That's the kid. Please don't hate me, Jason Yeager. Just cut your son's hair.

Randy tells Jason to focus and concentrate, but it was an okay performance. Paula liked it because she did her first ballet to that song. Simon calls Jason "David," then says it sounded like he was singing on a cruise ship. I'll say this: by tonight, Jason knew he got no play in any of the earlier episodes, and as a Never Seen, he really had to bring it. Choosing this song, despite its sentimental value to him, was a bad idea.

Robbie Carrico, 26, is the ex-boy-bander who auditioned making boy band gestures and singing some random ballad. Till now, we've never seen him without a wool cap or a bandana, but new flashbacks reveal that Robbie doesn't have a third eye or a transparent skull with a pulsating alien brain beneath it. He's not even bald. He just has Jesus hair. Bummer. Robbie tells us that his group toured with Britney Spears in 2000 (one of the few times this show has ever copped to a contestant having a pre-Idol career). Then he informs us that he wanted "to do rock -- so bad." This is news to me. Also news, that he sang "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)" by Fuel in Hollywood. So now he's the other Rocker Boy. I guess. I don't mind Robbie wanting to switch genres. But now that he's built that box for himself, the judges will make sure he stays in it.

A bandana-ed Robbie takes the stage to sing "One" by Three Dog Night. He sounds okay, but if bringing something new to the song is part of the criteria, it sounds exactly like it always does. I'm not sure he's cutting it. I do prefer what I'm hearing from Robbie to what I heard from David. Robbie has a cleaner voice, and seems more at ease on the stage. He has good energy. But the rocker thing is not computing at all. The "rock" is coming more from the band and the arrangement than from Robbie himself.

Randy liked it. Paula says Robbie was "authentic" and that the vocals "weren't over the top, they were right in the pocket." Or in her cups. Simon: "I would say it's the only performance we've seen tonight which has any semblance of making sense." However, he's not buying the rock thing. Robbie swears it's real and that he's not a pop singer, but he's not going home, so we'll see.

David Archuleta, 17, is still working that infectious smile of his, and it's early enough in the game that the Idol experience hasn't gone to his head. He's thrilled to be part of the whole thing and he doesn't want to mess it up. He sings "Shop Around" awesomely. It's not so much that he has a fantastic voice. His voice is good, great for his age, even, despite some lower register problems. But David's likeablity factor is off the charts, and the kid has presence on the stage. When he's up there, you watch, you get involved, you care. He's your favorite little brother that you've never met.

Randy thought it was brilliant, goes on about David's age (here we go), and says he loved it. Paula thought it was a brave and bold performance. Simon: "When you got it, you got it...that was, by a comfortable mile, the best performance of the night, so far." David, in a word, is giddy. Seacrest comes out and you can tell he just wants to hug the kid. Love 'im.

Danny Noriega got cut in the first day of last year's Hollywood Round, but he came back, sang like a strong, black woman, and made it into the Top 24. He has a powerful voice for such a dainty-looking lad, which might be why he thought it wise to sing "Jailhouse Rock" tonight. Danny works the stage with gusto, but whole thing has a Mickey Mouse Club vibe to it. You know those CDs they make for kids, where children sing covers of famous songs? It's like that. It isn't Sanjaya levels of awful and ridiculous, but is isn't the best showcase for his talents.

Randy loves that Danny has his own damn good time. "It was kinda hot." Paula thought it was "very warm," and talks about more of his colors coming out. Simon wants to know what color that performance was. I say pink. Then Simon adds that it was "verging on grotesque." Jeepers! Danny makes a pouty face as Simon says he destroyed an Elvis song. Paula defends her new gay pet, then she and Simon bicker for three hours while Danny gets sassy on Simon's ass ("Some people weren't liking it," he snaps.)

Luke Menard, 29, is another Never Seen. In fact, his pre-performance flashback is the first time we've heard him sing a single note. And it ain't good. He's a handsome guy, very masculine-looking, but his voice is soft and thin. Weak, even. I'm a little surprised, based on the flashback, that he got this far. Had to be Paula. Oh, look, he was unanimously rejected in Season 3. Anyway, he came here to win. Well, that's a fine plan. Luke sings "Everybody's Talkin'" (the theme from the movie Midnight Cowboy) and...wow...this is boring. His voice is just plain lacking. If he were sitting on my couch, looking lovingly into my eyes while singing to me, it would be okay. But on TV? In front of the nation? He's in over his head.

Randy says it was pitchy, consistantly sharp, and not great. Paula doesn't think it was the best song choice, and talks about how he sang "Grace Kelly" at an earlier (unseen) audition. She liked that better, and says that back then, he sounded like Kenny Loggins. Simon just closes the case and calls Luke forgettable. For reals.

Colton Berry, 18, is the kid who beat Kyle Ensley to death and stole the final Top 24 spot from his cold, lifeless geek-hands. Okay, maybe it just came down to the judges choice -- but not Simon's. He wanted Kyle over Colton. And that, more than anything else, will bite Colton's behind every time he sings. He's been following the show since Season One -- when he was eleven, y'all -- and being here is a dream come true.

Colton sings my favorite Elvis song, "Suspicious Minds," and vocally, it's pretty solid. The arrangement is a little too upbeat, and Colton probably shouldn't sing this song about impending divorce with a huge smile plastered on his face, but regardless, it's easy on the ears.

Randy likes that Colton loves the song, and he thought it was pretty good. Paula says it wasn't his best performance, but it was "an eager and fun attempt." Simon has a problem with Colton being a young kid, just singing an Elvis song. He attacks Colton for not "representing himself" as a recording artist. On the one hand, he has a point. On the other hand, when has this show ever been about that, really? Sure, it's the end result of the competition. On paper, at least. But Sanjaya? Kevin Covais? Anthony Federov? None of those were vocal powerhouses. In the past, Simon has given bad singers passes on personality alone. Or basic likeability. So hearing him knock Colton, a decent singer with a fair amount of stage presence, comes off as bitter whinging. Simon is simply annoyed because Kyle Ensley, his choice, didn't make the semi-finals. That's all it is.

(Leif) Garrett Haley, 17, Never Seen, is given the good news from Seacrest that Kelly Clarkson, who won Season 1, was also a Never Seen. Garrett is supposed to find encouragement in this, but here we are, six seasons later, and the fact is that the Never Seens go home. Then Ryan asks Garrett if he knows who Leif Garrett is. Garrett knows. He gets compared to him and Peter Frampton a lot. Garrett looks like he stepped out of 1973, which I kinda dig. He seems very relaxed...almost Jeff Spicoli levels of relaxed, if you get my meaning.

Flashbacks to Garrett's unseen auditions. He's wearing a pukka shell necklace. Keith Partridge would be proud. Garrett says that being on the show is incredible and will open many doors. In his case, those doors will probably open onto the street. But let's let him hope, shall we?

Garrett sings "Breaking Up is Hard To Do" by Neil Sedaka. It's the ballad version, not the up-tempo pop version. His voice is very delicate, almost womanly. If you've ever heard Sedaka's slow version of this song, you'll know what I mean. It's a close match. Garrett...wow, he's such a throwback. I'm not sure what to make of him. I half expect to hear him break into a chorus of "Hey Deanie." He's really got the whole '70's teenybopper thing happening. If there's ever a Bay City Rollers night, Garrett will meet with much success.

Randy loved the song, but not what Garrett did with it, which was nothing. He didn't bring anything new to it. "It was kinda boring." Paula says that Garrett can speak to the musical director about playing with the arrangement. Simon says it was boring, that Garrett sounds whiny, he looks terrified, and that Garrett looks like he's been shut up in his bedroom for a month. Okay, I'll give him that last one. Garrett is a reed thin and pale as a ghost. He's like one of those Flowers in the Attic kids, after they'd been up there for a year, eating the Grandmother's poison cookies and incesting each other. "You need some fresh air," Simon advises. Paula just puts her head down on the table, shamed by her friend.

Jason Castro, 20, is another Never Seen. He's a white boy with really nasty dreadlocks. The hairstyle is unfortunate, because he has a nice face. There's no reason for him to walk around looking like he has lice. He's plays the drums, we're told, and he auditioned in Dallas, we're told. I'm dead sure he's going home, till he comes out and sings Lovin' Spoonful's "Daydream" while playing the guitar. Yes, an actual instrument. On American Idol. His take on the song isn't far removed from the original, but I think he sounds terrific, and the guitar-playing is scoring him many, many points.

Randy liked the guitar and the way Jason played with the melody, but doesn't give him more than an "alright." Paula says the song choice was perfect and the performance, joyful. Simon, who I thought would hate it, says it was in the top two performances of the night. Wow. Good for Jason. Now shave your head.

Michael Johns, 29, Australian, has gotten a lot of play already this season. He talks about how each step of the journey made him feel more in control, and we flashback to his "Bohemian Rhapsody" in Hollywood. He wants to be judged on his voice and his passion. I'd rather judge him on his ego, which I suspect exists in quantities far greater than that passion he speaks of. But it's early days. Let's see what happens later on, when he's Final 12. Because, come on...

He sings "Light My Fire" by the Doors, and it's okay. I know we're supposed to be in absolute awe of Michael, but the way he vaguely apes Jim Morrison's body language irks me, and the vocals get all shouty about halfway through. Robbie Carrico will get a lot of shit for being a poser, but I think Michael is the real phony. He just better at playing the game. I find him dull as a welcome mat.

Randy? Loves. Compares him to Michael Hutchence. True story: back around 1990, I literally ran into Michael Hutchence. I running across the corner of Fifth Avenue and 53rd, not looking where I was going. Then, slam, I ran right into him. He put his hands on my shoulders (I think to stop me before I went over). I apologized, he said, "It's cool," and then off he went. I got about five steps before realizing it was Michael Hutchence. All of this was before he died, of course. Anyway, Paula says Michael Johns is a great part of the show. And Simon says he has the natural charisma of a lead singer. "You've just got it."

And you know what I've got? A headache from watching this episode twice in a row. Tomorrow, the girls get their turn. Or ladies, if you'd rather, although I have my doubts about Amanda.

Then on Thursday, it's our first round of voter-driven eliminations. I'm guessing Jason Yaeger will go, for being boring, and Luke Menard will get cut, for being boring and kinda stinky. If David Archulta goes, there will be tears. I voted for him five times. Shut up.

Da doo ron ron...
-Frank