Top 24 '08

Who the hell are these people?

by Frank Pittarese

This episode opens in Egypt, where Ryan Seacrest and Anakin Skywalker are sitting atop the Sphinx, sharing a picnic lunch. Anakin offers Ryan a sandwich, but I think Seacrest hears "sandwich" as "blowjob" because he gets a little too excited. Anakin wants Ryan to stay and "hang out," but Ryan isn't wired for such spontaneous behavior. He asks Anakin to jump him back to the Idol studio. Anakin, I think, is promoting some big action flick about jumping. I haven't seen any ads for it at all, so I don't recall the name. The boys jump -- by which I mean teleport -- back to Hollywood. The second they arrive, Seacrest invites Anakin "back to the house" to show him "some tapes of (him)self." Hosting the Emmys, he says. Jerking off, he means. Anakin teleports away immediately. He's heard about dirty perverts like Ryan Seacrest. And what does this have to do with the show? Nothing. This is American Idol. Please silence your cell phone.

This week, we find out who among 50 Hollywood Week survivors will make it into the Top 24 and compete in the semi-finals. They gather in a waiting room, ride an elevator up to the judges, sit in a chair, and get their comeuppance. It's a tedious affair, so let's get busy.

Ronald Hodge is first. He's a Never Seen. That's a contestant who suddenly appears late in the game, whom the show thinks we know and/or care about. But the judges don't care about Ronald, so he's out. Three female Never Seens get cut right behind him. Paula says dumb stuff like, "We're gonna pass on you this season." But next season is a whole different story.

Carly Smithson, the Irishwoman, gets her flipping umpteenth flashback recap: her Season 5 audition, her immigration problems, her Season 7 return. I know they want us to vote for her, but they could be a little less transparent in their manipulations. Carly sits in the chair, and Paula mind-fucks her up, down, and sideways, reviewing her history and past performances. After Carly is in tears, Paula gives Carly the news. She's in, of course.

David Cook, Rocker Boy, makes it into the Top 24. Then flashbacks remind us of Amanda Overmyer, Rocker Nurse. She rides her bike and makes devil horns like the Wicked Witch of Harley Davidson. Amanda gets a yes, and she reacts like somebody just passed her the ketchup. I'm still on the fence about this girl, but I appreciate that she didn't give the show what it wants: hysteria.

Swiftly rejected are skeevy fingernail collector Brandon Green and two Never Seens. Then David Archuleta, a.k.a. Vocal Chord Boy, heads upstairs. Simon expresses some concern about David's age (he's 16), but he's unanimously put into the semi-finals. I'm pretty happy about this. He's one of the very few contestants I care about, but I do worry that this show will eat him alive.

Kristy Lee Cook can be seen singing in front of a Confederate flag in one of her videos. Make of that what you will. She's the girl who sang "Amazing Grace," and then later, sang "Amazing Grace." Kristy gets into the Top 24, for which she will sing "Amazing Grace."

Brooke "Never Seen an R-rated Movie" White is a sobbing mess before facing the judges. She's decided that if the judges say no, her singing career is over. Honey, you can win this show and get that result. Just ask Ruben Studdard. Brooke makes it through.

Danny Noriega, Young Mr. Spock, freaks out in the elevator, but he makes the Top 24. Jason Castro, a Never Seen with nasty dreadlocks, is through to the semis, and so is Never Seen Luke Menard. We've yet to hear him sing a note, but he's hot, so I'll allow it. Alexandrea Lushington, who came to auditions with her grandmother, will move forward, too.

Ramiele Malubay is a little girl with a big voice. I've seen her before, but every time she appears it's like the first time for me. She makes no impression. That's not a good sign at all. But the judges like her and put her through. Hopefully, she can figure out how to make herself pop.

But for a bad keyboard moment during Hollywood Week, Shaun Barrowes got no play at all, so it's not a terrible surprise to see him get cut. Lorena Pinot, who I think was the girl who wore a ridonkulously short skirt during Hollwood round, is also dropped. Drew Poppelreiter, one of this season's two farmer boys (the other vanished without a trace), gets the boot. He thanks the judges, because getting cut means he won't miss turkey season. Remember him while eating your Thanksgiving meal this November. That's Idol giving back.

Michael Johns, the Australian, makes the semi-finals. That one was pretty obvious. Syesha Mercado, who had laryngitis in Hollywood makes a big deal about her heart racing. She's a little theatrical, this one...likes getting the attention. That's one way to alienate me, so I'm done with her. The judges aren't, and vote her into the Top 24. Robbie Carrico, ex-boy bander, also gets T24ed. He's wearing a Bret Michaels do-rag in place of his usual wool beanie, and I realize we've never seen Robbie's head. Methinks the boy has a third eye.

Garrett Haley will henceforth be known as (Leif) Garrett Haley thanks to his curly Tiger Beat locks. A Never Seen, he's forwarded to the semi-finals. Kady Malloy, one of the endless parade of pretty blondes, also makes it. Chikezie Eze is in, too. I saw that coming, but I don't care. Amy Davis, another girl who made no impression on me, is in. Alaina Whitaker has her hands over her face, which does not help me remember her. She might be a Never Seen. Might not. But she's in. Jason Yeager, a preppie boy with a blond streak in his hair, is another winning Never Seen. That segment took 30 seconds. Way to give people coverage, Idol.

Asia'h Epperson, whose father died one or two days before auditions, depending on when you ask her, is another semi-finalist. Then comes David Hernandez. We first saw him in Hollywood, edited to make him seem like the Next Big Thing. David is green-light for the Top 24. Interestingly, Simon is like, "You better work damn hard if you think you've got even a remote chance of winning." Way to kill the joy, Cowell (but thank you).

Josiah Leming, a.k.a. Homeless Car Boy, goes upstairs to take his medicine. He tells the judges that their early Hollywood compliments made him overconfident. They went to his head. But he's cut from the competition, anyway. So Josiah cries in the elevator, weeps for Seacrest, sobs in the arms of the Australian and the Irishwoman, and finally bawls his way outside to drive his house into the lake. (That wisecrack is courtesy of Chris.)

The final two guys head upstairs to see who gets the last remaining male Top 24 spot. One is Kyle Ensley, President of the United States of Nerds. The other is Colton Berry, practically a Never Seen. We got a glimpse of him yesterday, singing the Robin Hood song, but that's it. Kyle, based on his history, seems destined for the slot, but amazingly, it goes to Colton. Simon, who's been pouting all the while, lets it be known that he "wholeheartedly" disagrees with the decision. "I don't think you're the best singer," he tells Kyle, "But I think you have something which people would have enjoyed, and I'm really disappointed. Really disappointed." This is a kinda sucky, but at least Kyle got an arc...and I suspect we'll see a performance from him during the finale.

The final two girls are Joanne Borgella, the plus-size model, and Cardin McKinny, who should go on Top Model. This one can go either way. Both are talented. But there are many others in the Top 24 who are similar to Cardin, specifically, skinny white girls. Joanne, as a large girl of color, is unique. So she's in. Of course, she goes on about being fat, like she's 450-pounds or something, when, in fact, she's just rather solid. It's a song she'll need to stop singing soon.

And we have arrived!

The Top 12 guys are: Boring Chickezie Eze, Vulcan Danny Noriega, Never Seen Jason Yaeger, Rocker David Cook, Annoying David Hernandez, Hot Luke Menard, Australian Michael Johns, Dreadlocked Jason Castro, Boy Band Robbie Carrico, Barely Seen Colton Berry, Little David Archuleta, and (Leif) Garrett Haley.

The Top 12 girls are: Confederate Kristy Lee Cook, Rocker Nurse Amanda Overmyer, Granddaughter Alexandrea Lushington, "Giant" Joanne Borgella, Brooke "Rated G" White, Theatrical Syesha Mercado, Generic Alaina Whitaker, Fatherless Asia'h Epperson, Generic Amy Davis, Generic Kady Malloy, Irishwoman Carly Smithson, and Ramiele "Who?" Malubay.

The Never Seen Squad isn't too bad this year, although some of the girls are so blandly generic that they might as well be Never Seens. I think the crowd of Kristy Lee Cook, Amy Davis, Alaina Whitaker, and Kady Malloy could easily fall into the abyss, although Kristy will probably survive thanks to the Red State vote. Of the guys, David Archuleta is bound to make the Final 12, along with Michael Johns. Jason Castro will be gone in the first week. Luke Menard, (Leif) Garrett Haley, and Colton Berry had better look over their shoulders. And I have a hard time seeing Danny Noriega in the finals, unless he gets voted through by the Sanjaya crowd.

Next week, a whopping five hours of show.

Ugh...just shoot me,
-Frank