Atlanta Auditions 2008
A house is not a home—unless it has four wheels
by Frank Pittarese"Three superstars were found in Atlanta," says trivia-master Seacrest. Clay Aiken. Jennifer Hudson. Fantasia Barrino. Okay, superstars? Really? I mean Jennifer won that Oscar last year, but what has she done for us lately? And Aiken is only a superstar in her own mind. Anyway, we're back again. This is American Idol. Operators are standing by.
This episode opens with Ryan's parents wandering into the audition hall. They love their dead gay son, and great him happily. Some freak auditioneer with a hubcab stuck on his chest interrupts the family reunion, but Mr. & Mrs. Seacrest treat him politely, as they do all of their son's "special friends." Then, like everyone else from these audition episodes, they disappear forever.
Josh Jones works with glass. He makes it and stuff. Cuts it into shapes. It's a skill. He's a cute, shaggy-haired fellow, although he needs to dial his facial hair down a notch. It's a soul patch, dude, not a soul swatch. He sings "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen, and it sounds okay, if a little Broadway, but his eyes go all buggy and serial killer-y. The judges act like Hannibal Lecter's in the room and tell Josh to sing the song facing the wall. He obeys, the performance improves, and he goes to Hollywood where he'll be eliminated swiftly.
J.P. Tjelmeland auditioned in Season 4, just two contestants ahead of Carrie Underwood. This is important to J.P.; a story that needs to be told. He's sorry he didn't keep in touch with her, especially since they were so close (by). Yeah, I'm sure she's crying by the phone. J.P. is a weird looking kid. His hair looks artificial. Like somebody tried to dye a Brillo pad blond. And he's wearing a pink t-shirt which is doing him no favors. J.P. sings a Rascal Flatts song like someone who's both tone deaf and real deaf, complete with spastic choreography. Then he tells the judges he's a music major. "No!" says Randy. J.P insists he's not that bad as his pink Brillo world comes crashing down around him.
Asia'h Epperson's father died two days ago. Seriously. Two days. And now she's here auditioning. At first, I was like, nice way to miss your dad's funeral, Asia'h Epperson! But then I was like, well, skipping the auditions won't bring him back to life, so why not? Then I was like, what is up with that apostrophe h? Are you a Klingon? Asia'h tells the judges her sob story, then sings "How Do I Live" by LeeAnn Rhymes because the song "I'm Missing Daddy's Funeral" hasn't been written yet. (Note to Diane Warren: Get on that, will you, dear?) Her voice is a little too breathy for me. She's okay, but whatever, I'd pass. Paula, of course, starts crying, because of Asia'h's dead'h dad'h. Hollywood.
Brooke Helvie has a face like a razor blade. The first time we see her, she's wearing a crown. A fucking crown. See, Brooke is a Pageant Girl. In fact, she's "Miss South Florida Fair." We should all aspire to achieve such notoriety. Brooke brushes her long blonde hair and tells us that nothing is more important to her than performing -- besides God. "And my mom and dad," she footnotes. Nothing's more important to me than Spider-Man -- and my mom and dad. The prioritizing of fictional heroic entities is entirely subjective. Simon is annoyed by her immediately, as all of humanity should be, but Brooke's voice is good enough to get her to Hollywood.
Next, a bunch of unglamorous people sing "Glamorous." They include: a fat girl, a fauxhawk boy, another fat girl, a chick on qualudes, a Revenge of the Nerds boy, a falsetto hippie, an old guy with beads braided onto his Charlie Brown scalp, the hubcap guy, and, I shit you not, an Asian girl who sings "the gramorous...the gramorous...oh the frossie, frossie." This fucking show...
Eva Miller came disguised as a Jodie Watley video: polka dot dress, big, red plastic jewelry, leggings, and a side-ponytail. A side-ponytail! She sings "A Thousand Miles" like she's going to a hoedown (heavy on the ho). There's lots of clunky dancing and arm-swaying. Her contestant number falls off. Eva slips on it and half-assedly falls to the ground, but she pretty much keeps singing. Hey, if Beyoncé can do it... Simon is convinced it's an act. "This is a joke, right?"
"No, this is not no joke," Eva double negatives. "I wasn't meanin' to fall for real." So she was meaning to fall for fake? English is a complicated bitch.
Simon winds Eva up till she's near tears. She's not fake, Simon, she's just dumb. Even though Simon was mean, Eva still loves him, which gets her a hug before she's evicted.
Alexandrea Lushinton enters the building with so many people that I don't know which of them is Alexandrea Lushinton. Oh, there she is, in the army-ish outfit. I thought that was a boy. Seacrest flirts with Alex's great-grandmother, which is very cute, then Alex auditions with "My Funny Valentine." That song, along with "Unchained Melody" needs to be buried at a crossroads, covered in salt, and burned. Alex's voice is nice, though. She's Hollywood-bound.
Seacrest reminds us again that Clay Aiken is a person who lives on this planet and was once associated with this program in some manner. This leads us to another misfit montage: funny-looking people who can't sing. Revenge of the Nerds boy is back. Beer Belly Man in a kilt. Falsetto Lisping Boy wearing the face of Missy Pyle. I'm never getting those two minutes of my life back.
Nathan Hite is sixteen years old and is a self-described "ninth grade repeater." He's a got a SlackerGoth thing going on, and I get the impression that Nathan thinks he's smarter and wittier than most folks. I almost like him, especially when he mocks the rejects who bitch at Simon with that "go back to Britain" stuff. (Or, in honor of last season: "Go back to British.") But at judging, Nathan comes off as a bit of a punk. He sings Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer," and it's singing-in-the-shower good; not show-worthy or even karoake-worthy. Simon calls it a "bedroom audition." Same difference. So Nathan launches into schtick about Simon having a pre-written list of critiques and "bedroom audition" being third on the list or something. It's very tired. Simon does not like Nathan being "a smartass." I think Simon would smack Nathan if he could get away with it. Rejected.
Amanda Overmyer...what to say? She looks like a character you'd design for Guitar Hero III: short dark hair with blonde streaks, dark eye makeup, a choker, a cross, a black sheer top. It's too much. By day, she's a nurse. At night, she turns into a cliché, riding her bike and making finger horns at passersby. I'm sorry, Dave. Devil horns. She sounds like a sane enough woman, but this persona she's constructed...yuck. Amanda sings Janis Joplin's "Mean Woman" and bombs. It's gruff and loud and affected. But Simon gives her another go, and her take on Creedence's "Travelling Band" is much better. Sort of Joplin by way of Bonnie Tyler. They call her "authentic" and "real." Which...maybe...maybe not. But she's through to Hollywood.
Josiah Leming is a little blond boy who lives in his car. But he's not homeless. You just shut up about that! He dropped out of school at 17 ("I was just selfish.") and moved out. To his car. Where he's been living for a year. But he's not homeless. He goes "wherever the wind blows," which makes sense, on account of he's outdoors all the time, where it's windy. Josiah shows us his belongings: bag of clean laundry, bag of dirty laundry, shoes, some pillows, and a guitar. I guess he poops in the trunk. His family doesn't know that he lives in his car. Except for now, with Josiah on the television and all. Then he starts crying and my black heart almost breaks when he weeps over being scared and lonely and not having any friends. I hate you, Josiah Leming. But I'd give you a hug before kicking your stupid teenage ass. Now stop crying.
He's thrilled to audition, and performs his own composition, "To Run." He's got some crazy vibrato action happening. Also crazy: he sings with a British accent. Simon falls in love. He makes Josiah sing "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, and Josiah's like, "Oi, guv'nor, wouldja fancy some bangers an' mash at the vicar's flat, wot?" Simon loves his new monkey. Paula wants to lick Josiah like a homeless lollipop. He gets triple-yessed to Hollywood (although Randy was hesitant), thanks the judges using a British accent in his speaking voice (don't be desperate, kiddo), and drives off in his house.
Twenty people made it to Hollywood from Atlanta, the final audition city. Tomorrow, it's a "Best of the Rest" show of unaired clips from all the auditions. Then, next week, Hollywood!
BBC-ya!
-Frank
