Miami Auditions 2008

The rhythm is gonna get you--so shoot first

by Frank Pittarese

Right of the bat, we hear the Miami Vice theme music and see that the production staff took the time to match the logo, as well. This is better than last week's Dallas homage, but come on, would it be too hard to have Seacrest run across the screen in a pastel jacket and white pants. You know he owns both. We're in Miami, Florida, and this is American Idol. Knock before entering.

Ryan again goes on about the crowd being over 10,000 people. So either that's as many as the show will accommodate or that's where they stop counting. The judges will see a fraction of those, and we'll see less than that fraction. And that's all the math I know, peeps.

We’re told that Paula has arrived in good spirits. Or with good spirits. Randy and Simon show up together, after a night of loose women and good drink. Neither one knows where they are, so they ask some random guy on the escalator. Paula is wearing a short, leopard-print dress, with bare shoulders and a bright red belt. She looks like a prostitute as played by Patti LuPone in Hookers at the Point: The Musical. "Very short dress, Paula," Simon whispers. "Very slutty." Sometimes, I don't even have to make shit up.

Shannon McGough looks like she got her wardrobe from the movie Mannequin: with bright greens, hot pinks, fingerless gloves, a sequined beret and high heels. She works with her parents at the Doublemeat Palace, and we see her grinding some beef. Maybe Ryan can give her tips. He knows all about that. Her mom shows off Shannon's awards for "Top Vocalist of the Year" (at the local mall) and "South Florida Idol" (of people who shop at the other local mall). Shannon also has the mutant ability to belch like a truck driver. Respect! She auditions with "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin, and there's lots of shouting and screaming, like she's getting the demons out, but they keep slipping back in. Randy is like, "Um...melody much?" So of course, Shannon launches into "Chain of Fools," of which she is the sole link. Then Randy calls her tone deaf, and Shannon is shocked and amazed. "I think I'm done with American Idol," Shannon says. Strike that. Reverse it. Moving on...

Robbie Carrico is a former boy-bander, who has gone out of his way to remake himself. His blond hair is long and scraggly, he's got a scruffy beard, and he's wearing a wool cap, as the youngsters do nowadays. He has a good voice, but he hasn't shaken off the boy-band body language, which basically means that he acts out the song with his hands. It's a little irritating, but he gets the triple-yes to Hollywood. Robbie's family squirts him with Silly String. Then Robbie asks Seacrest, "Will you be my family?" Ryan says yes, and nationwide, the slash fiction writers get busy.

Ghaleb Emachah is from Venezuela and looks and sounds like Antonio Banderas. I'd swear this guy is 40, but the show says he's only 27. Leaving his guitar in the hallway, he auditions with some lame Marc Anthony song. If anything, his accent is thicker now, and his voice...I think his voice is pretty bad. Simon says he'd like Ghaleb if he (Simon) were drunk. Paula likes the voice, but thinks the accent is problematic. Translation: she likes his ass, but thinks his going home is problematic. There's endless nonsense where Simon argues and Paula wanders around going "lalalalalalala" like a mental patient, but hey, at least she can stand up today. Ghaleb gets golden-ticketed to Hollywood. He leaves, kissing everyone he sees, including Ryan, who slips him some tongue.

Corliss Smith and Brittany Wescott are two hefty girls who could be twins, but they're just really good friends. Brittany likes skinny boys, and we see her sexually harass some little auditoneer. Corliss likes 'em big, and she accosts a poor production assistant. The two girls are full of the happy, and would make a fine sitcom on the former UPN. Corliss sings an old-timey jazz song. It's loud and lively and I love it. Brittany sings "My Guy" to Simon. Her voice is softer and more controlled than Corliss's, and she's also great. Both ladies are going to Hollywood, where they'll get dumped for being fat.

Suzanne Toon is twenty-one years old and a single mom with a three-year-old daughter. She's sick of struggling. Tears. She wants to provide for her kid. Tears. She performs "I Can't Make You Love Me" well enough to get through to Hollywood, but she reallys needs to work on the hair. There's some weird Shirley Temple extension junk happening up there. Not that it matters. Of this year's Single Mom Brigade, Suzanne is one of the weaker members.

Ramiele Malubay wants to be the first Asian American Idol. Well, Jasmine Trias got pretty far, and she sucked monkey butt, so there's hope for this kid. Ramiele is little. She makes Seacrest look like a giant. But for a little girl, she has a really big voice, and her rendition of "Natural Woman" is impressive. She could rein herself in a bit, but her audition is enough to get her to Hollywood.

Syesha Mercado is brimming with happiness. Good things are happening all over her life, like her addict father graduating from rehab. I didn't know you could graduate from there. To think of all the money I spent on college, when I could have snorted my way to a nice degree. Syesha's joy is a little over the top. Either she's compensating for something, or she's delusional. Anyway, she shouts her way through Aretha's "Think" and it's quite piercing. But Paula and Randy like it -- a lot -- and she's through to Hollywood.

Montage of Bad, which includes: a tone deaf guy who looks like he might have had a passing business relationship with Syesha's father, a man who I believe is an actual werewolf, a boy who sings like a crazy homeless lady (Simon: "I'm tempted to say come back in a dress."), and an inarticulate girl who foreign-accents her way through "When I Fall in Love" with a finger stuck in her ear. Finally, a skinny guy shows up singing a Rascal Flatts song entirely through his nose. Randy finds this hilarious and impersonates the guy to his face. I love it when Randy turns on these people.

Julie Dubela was a Top Twenty contestant on American Juniors, the completely forgettable (and completely forgotten) Idol spinoff which ran on Fox in 2003. Then, she was a 12-year-old showbiz kid. Now, she's a 16-year-old Mean Girl. She performs "One Step Closer to Heaven," which I guess was the American Juniors anthem, for the other contestants in the waiting room. You can tell they're thrilled by this. The choreography makes it especially enjoyable. Julie walks into judging like she's doing them a favor. They chat about Juniors, and everything she says is just so affected. This girl has been on camera two minutes, and I'm ready to see her get attacked by an alligator. Hey, this is Fox, it can happen.

Julie sings Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee," a song I sorta love, even though it was written by Kris Kristofferson. Vocally, she butchers it, singing like she has a...carrot...in her mouth. And she's gesturing weirdly, like she's on Broadway, or a parody thereof. Paula laughs the whole time, and Randy looks mildly disgusted. Simon calls her precocious. Julie: "What's that mean?" God help us all. They ask her if she's rehearsed the performance, because it's overrehearsed -- and they have no love for the voice. No, no, and no. Julie sings another song, and Simon tells her to go get work as an actress. Well, the very insult! She walks out, then pouts for Ryan and the cameras. "I'm not acting," she fake-huffs. "Rainy Days and Mondays" plays in the background; the twist being that it's Julie's vocal from her American Juniors days. 12-year-old Julie sings about feeling down while 16-year-old Julie winges about turning down a singing gig at a Red Sox game to be here today. I'm sure that's true. Hey, all you folks who put your kids in beauty pageants and talent shows? This here is the future. "Don't audition for American Idol," Julie glooms. Then immediately, she smiles. "Don't watch the show." Oh, she's lovely, this one.

Brandon Black is the last contestant. This idiot is wearing a white suit, a baseball cap, and, randomly, a wig. He seems to think he's a Wayans brother or something. If he is, he's the one they make sleep under the staircase. Brandon comes barrelling into the judging room, yelling at someone who isn't there and shouting in a squeaky-nasal voice, like a Fat Albert character. He discards the wig and let's the judges know that he's "not just a funny person," and then sings "I'll Make Love to You." It's out of tune and gross. Next, he sings a self-written song about being the next American Idol. Also terrible. Simon whispers to Paula, "Get him out, get him out, I can't take it." Me neither. Just as Brandon dives into some kind of messed up Stepin Fetchit routine, my DVR cuts out. The universe is my friend.

Next week, Holly--oh. No, it's another week of auditions. But it's the last week of auditions, so for that, I'm grateful.

Turning down a Red Sox gig to write this...
-Frank