Nebraska Auditions 2008

Nobody likes the finger-horns

by Frank Pittarese

This is the show's first visit to Omaha, Nebraska. Can you handle the excitement? Do you need to sit down? 10,000 people turned out to audition. I feel like Seacrest always gives the same tally, in which case I call bullshit on this show (which isn't saying much, I suppose). I'll have to play closer attention in future. This is American Idol. Store at room temperature.

Paula is late for judging. Her "plane" has been "delayed." Simon and Randy are in charge, which means all the pretty girls will get through, but the cute boys can suck it.

Chris Bernheisel is twenty-five years old going on fourteen. Pre-audition, he sings "Cold Hearted," in anticipation of meeting Paula. Tonight's show is sponsored by Disappointment. Chris feels like he "could explode and happiness will go flying everywhere." That happens to me at least once a day. Chris enthuses: "This is the biggest life alternating change in my life." I won't argue with the kid.

Chris presents Simon and Randy with gifts: a baseball shirt with "England" printed on it, and a big stuffed sheepdog, respectively. Then he shows off his American Idol photo album, where he's posed with various contestants. Everyone needs a healthy obsession. He auditions with "Since You've Been Gone." His tone deaf vocals are combined with jumping around and a handstand. Awful. After getting rejected, Chris asks if he can audition to host the red carpet event at the finale. Huh? At this point, I think Chris is missing some postage on the envelope of his mind. He launches into some patter. "Welcome to the finale, etc." Awful. Simon tells Chris to call his local Fox affiliate and tell them he's to host the finale carpet for them, "and if they say no, tell them to call us." Chris takes this seriously. Maybe it is. Based on this season's Hands Across America theme, I can't tell anymore. He shrieks with girlie giddy glee and gets gone.

Jason Rich is a handsome country boy who, like Dallas's Drew Poppelreiter, works on a farm. He auditions with "When You Say Nothing at All" by Keith Whitley. Or Ronin Keating, if you're Europop-inclined. His voice is nice, at least for the one line he sings over and over. See, Jason can't remember the rest of the song. If Paula were here, she'd give him a booty pass to Hollywood, but these boys aren't so easily swayed. Lucky for Jason, there's enough quality for Simon and Randy to give him a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. And so on. He finally gets it right, singing a nice chunk of the song. Both judges vote him through to Hollywood, but Simon issues this warning: "I will never, ever give you that shot again. Because if that was a live show, we're off the air." Dude, if that was a live show, Idol might actually be interesting.

Finally, Paula shows up, and following a brief and dull montage of people who can't remember lyrics, we see her resting her head on the judges table. She might even be asleep. It's totally jet lag...sure.

Rachael Wicker is an attractive, well-spoken girl who likes to arm wrestle. She's not a bruiser, but she's tough, and Seacrest agrees to take her on. For a wee man, he has big biceps. We never see the outcome, but it looks like a stalemate. Simon isn't having it. He doesn't engage in such roughhousing. Rachael sings "Don't Tell Me to Stop Loving You" by Lee Ann Womack. She's got that country twang thing happening all over the place, but whatever. Randy doesn't like it. He doesn't care for the half-yodel. He's decided this now, seven seasons in. Paula, who seemed to be in a haze the whole time, rouses herself long enough to say yes and to ask Rachael to arm wrestle. Rachael wins, and she's going to Hollywood. It's a good day for her.

Sarah Whitaker is next. She's the polar opposite of Rachael. Dressed all in black, wearing makeup applied with her elbows, she hams it up for camera, wiggling her stout figure and giving us finger-horns. Sarah says she's worked as a lady wrestler, and aside from the lady part, I believe her. Then she cackles loudly and theatrically. In the interests of keeping it real, I find her repulsive. She demonstrates a wrestling move on Ryan, almost knocking his button nose out of joint. Finally, she sings some weird song for the judges, like something from an operetta, and I'm absolutely done with this creature. No to Hollywood. No to my TV set. Please go away forever.

And now, hijinks.

After Sarah gets booted, Seacrest pops in, wondering what happened. Simon tells him to mind his business, and after some back and forth, it's agreed that Ryan and Paula will switch places. She goes into the hall to "interview" the next contestant, whose name I think is Jack Daniels. Ryan takes her seat. Oh, this is bound to be hilarious.

Samantha Sidley has a vague Alyssa Milano in Who's The Boss air about her. She performs "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones, and sounds just like Norah Jones. Seriously, there is no difference. Samantha swings back and forth as she sings, and while her voice pleases Ryan, the swinging does not. Simon and Randy jump on him for knocking Samantha's showmanship, then Paula sticks her head in the room, adding her two cups. Or cents, if you rather. "I'm actually gonna go work now," Seacrest says, and toddles back into the hallway as everybody mocks him. Samantha doesn't know what the hell, but they put her through to Hollywood, with the following note: "Your showmanship needs a little bit of improvement."

Montage O'Winners. Elizabeth Erkert heard it through the grapevine. Denise Jackson has one night only. Michael Sanfilippo wonders if we really love him. Hollywood thrice. Elizabeth proudly holds up her golden ticket. "I cannot wait till we get to Hollywood and to prove Simon wrong that I am America's Next Top Model." Her mother damn near pees herself over that one.

Angelica Puente couldn't handle living with her super-strict dad, but she showed him by moving out -- and into her grandmother's house. Ballsy! She loves her dad and misses him and they used to be best friends and tears and crying and something about Martina McBride and Dad paid for the trip to Idol and her blue contacts are distracting me! Angelica nervously sings Celine Dion's "The Power of Love." The judges criticize her for sounding just like the record. It didn't bother them five minutes ago with Samantha Sidley, but now they're all like, "Mimic! Bad! Shame!!" Whatever. Angelica and her paternal issues are put through to Hollywood. Seacrest calls Papa Puente on speakerphone, and he's proud and Angelica still loves him and more tears and kill me now.

After commercials, we're confronted by a clip of a Chris Daughtry video. I'm sorry, Daughtry. He is a they now. Then, we're made to suffer through a montage of "rockers." Long beards, long hair, mohawks, black clothing, excessive amounts of metal jewelry and piercings, and more finger-horns. Incidentally, if you're the kind of person who makes "rocking" finger-horns, I will never, ever be your friend.

David Cook is the real deal. Know how I can tell? He's wearing a sweater vest over a dress shirt and tie. His sole rocker attribute is that he has a sort of fucked up haircut: messy, uneven lengths, with a slight faux-hawk and some red color in the front. David doesn't need to look like Winger threw up to prove himself. We see him playing guitar in the hallway, but yet again, it vanishes by the time he's standing before the judges. He's polite and soft-spoken, but his slower, almost ballad-paced rendition of "Living on a Prayer" reveals a powerful voice. The (Chris) Daughtry comparisons are inevitable, but David is definitely atypical from the talent usually get on this show. The judges and me welcome him to Hollywood.

Johnny Escamilla is wearing a golden jacket that looks a discarded relic from the Lost in Space wardrobe department. He describes himself as "one of the weirdest guys you'll ever meet" and "a hyper eighteen-year-old boy." He doesn't describe himself as a clueless oddball, but that's why I'm here. No sooner does Johnny enter the room than Paula lets loose with a loud hiccup. It's...a residual air pocket. From her flight, you understand. Simon: "You disgusting little pig." Ha!! Meanwhile, Johnny sings "Shout," so can imagine what that's like. Even good singers shouldn't audition with that asstarded song. And nobody should listen to it. Ever. If I do go to hell for being a practicing homo, hell will be this song, played on a loop, for all eternity. Nothing could be worse. Anyway, Johnny sings like he's having a seizure, then is truly discouraged when Simon knocks him. "I wasn't too sure what you were looking for," Johnny says. Jeez, kid, have a clue. They're fucking free.

Leo Marlowe is an open-faced, out-and-proud lad. "My mom always said she raised the perfect homecoming queen," Leo says. "Too bad it wasn't one of her daughters." The judges -- even Simon -- are charmed by his unflamboyant gay wit. He sings "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway. Leo has a nice voice, husky and soulful. The judges like him and his voice, and move him forward to Hollywood. I hope he makes it all the way so we can have our first Top Twelve gay. Well, our first out Top Twelve gay. That one in Season Two doesn't count.

Tomorrow, we off to Miami, Florida, and Hollywood inches ever closer.

Rocked out,
-Frank