South Carolina Auditions 2008

When the water breaks...

by Frank Pittarese

Here's what I know about South Carolina: It's a place in the United States and can be found on a map. It is similar to yet somehow different from North Carolina. Seacrest says it was recently named the Friendliest City in America, and he'd never lie. It's the location of this week's auditions episode. This is American Idol. Put the seat down.

Oliver Highman would have been the first contestant of the day, except his pregnant wife chose right here and now for her water to break. Rather than pull a Phil Stacey, Oliver decides to accompany his wife to the hospital. A kindly camera crew tags along. Idol really cares, y'all.

Raysharde Henderson came here on the Soul Train, dressed as the Jackson Five as portrayed by Gary Coleman. He does know it's not 1973, doesn't he? Rayshard compares himself to Clay Aiken. "But I think I'm unique because I think I'm different from him." Yes, Clay's afro is much shorter. He nasally assaults the judges with "I Can't Make You Love Me," before blacksploitating himself out the door.

DiAnna Prevatte looks like Christina Ricci from the Trailer Park Universe of Bacon Grease. She says something about how if she's "gonna lose you" she's more likely to bring you down with a baseball bat than strut around in high heels, because she can't wear heels. Or kill with them, I guess. Maybe DiAnna hasn't seen Single White Female. She sings "Fancy," like she's hearing the voice of God and he's telling her to kill. Kill now! Her crazy-angry performance gets her a one-way ticket home.

Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark look like they shop at the finest K-Marts and have every Battlestar Galactica script committed to memory. The dorky couple met on an Idol message board, where Randy gives out advice on how to audition. "Master Yoda, take you to Simon, he will," Crystal says of her Idol-expert BF. She doesn't do the voice, so she loses geek points. This whole thing is sickeningly adorable till they start making out on camera, then it's just sickening. They audition together with "She's More" by Andy Griggs. Randy sings like he's falling down the stairs. Crystal sings like her fetal twin is trying to crawl out of her mouth. That would be a "no" to Hollywood.

Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin are two obese siblings who have also decided to audition together. He's wearing a necktie as a bandana, and they both act retarded, so it looks like another train wreck is coming. Then they sing "I'm Your Angel" by R. Kelly and Celine Dion. They actually harmonize! It's almost pretty. Simon calls them a breath of fresh air, and while the judges are split on which sibling should go, they each get two votes apiece, so it's off to Hollywood.

Meanwhile, Oliver & Wife are driving to the hospital in the pouring rain. Also, they're lost, despite the MapQuest directions Oliver is holding. Oh, I do hope they'll be okay! Show, please.

Back at auditions, a bunch of losers sing "Before He Cheats." They include: a sasquatch-like girl in a scarf, a drunk in a kilt, an Elvis impersonator, a potato of a man who removes his shirt to expose his ginormous belly, a possibly-castrated ginger boy, and a woman who could pass for a bottle of ketchup.

Amy Catherine Flynn is 16 years old, the captain of her school's dance team, and she does "S.T.A.R.S." That stands for Students Teaching and Respecting Sexuality. In other words, Amy goes around preaching abstinence. She tries to sell Simon on the idea that waiting till marriage is a great (and logical) achievement. First of all, Amy, Simon has been around the block -- and possibly under it. Second of all, Amy, shut the fuck up. Simon seems annoyed by her from the get-go. She sings Christina Aguilera's "Reflections," sounding...well...like a 16-year-old girl with a decent voice. Simon criticizes her, which Amy thinks is "a bit much." So he gives her the stink eye and lisps, "Thorry." Haw!!! Unfortunately, she still gets through to Hollywood.

Oliver & Wife are finally at the hospital. I know, I was worried, too! She's in a bed. He's still hoping to audition. What will happen next?!?

London Weidberg is a pretty blonde with a dead father. She sings Billie Holiday's "Good Morning Heartache." London is perfectly normal, totally talented, and I wonder what has become of this show.

Lyndsey Goodman is an Air Force pilot. She fles a C-17, an enormous plane that can literally contain my entire apartment. Possibly two of my apartment. Lyndsey grew up wanting to do two things: fly and sing. She did one, and now she's here, looking to do the other. Some people are never satisfied. "Black Velvet" is her song of choice, and it's a song I loathe. She sings it well enough, but she's very nervous, and for some reason...some random reason known only to them...the judges nix Lyndsey's dream. Hollywood is a no.

Aretha Cogner has enormous breasts. The show wants us to know that, and it seems Aretha does, too, since she's wearing a dress that really pulls one's focus to that particular area. Aretha says she's as good as Fantasia, and illustrates this by singing Whitney Houston's "I Who Have Nothing." It's okay for starters, but then she's spontaneously struck tone deaf. When Simon critiques her, Aretha insists that she's good and that her singing stops crowds. (Insert snarky Simon retort here.) Three rejections, no Hollywood, and Aretha "don't even believe that."

Joshua Boson does his best Jennifer-Hudson-in-Dreamgirls impersonation, singing like somebody's trying to push him off a roof. He carries on for some time, wailing and flapping his arms like a maniac. He's shocked when the judges tell him he doesn't have a good voice. "This show is fake and rigged," he insists. Then, while Paula is trying to be nice, Joshua storms out in a huffy huff. In the hall, he tells Seacrest that the judges said that South Carolina sucks. Which they totally did -- except for the part where that never happened! On the street, he recites Verse 12 from the American Idol Book of False Prophecy: "You will see me (again)!"

This dreary evening concludes with the Misadventures of Oliver & Wife. Since South Carolina auditions began yesterday, they got to the hospital, she gave birth to a girl, and now the whole two of them, plus the baby, have returned so Oliver can sing. How responsible!

Oliver finally gets his moment to shine, and auditions with "Get Here," one of the dumbest songs in creation. "You can reach me by caravan/cross the desert like an Arab man." Really? His performance is weird...overwrought with a lot of vibratto and random falsetto. He also reminds me of my friend Cliff, which is neither here nor there. Oliver is rejected quickly, but doesn't care much, because he wants to expose his baby to the germs of these three idiots. They take turns breathing on the kid, handshakes are given all around, then Oliver and Wife finally depart, as Wife leaves a trail of afterbirth and body fluids in her wake.

In all, 23 out of 10,000 people made it to Hollywood from South Carolina. We saw a whopping four of them tonight, making it ever more likely that the Top Twelve will be chock full of Never-Seens.

Next week, we're someplace else. And hopefully, the show will get mean again. Or Ryan will take his pants off. I'll settle for either one.

Having contractions...
-Frank