San Diego Auditions 2008

Season Five is Still Alive

by Frank Pittarese

Two decrepit, lethargic old men welcome us to the show tonight. It's like Statler and Waldorf turned human, fell from the balcony, and got shoved in front of the camera. Come back, Ryan. I'm sorry I called you short. And gay. I meant those things in a nice way. This is American Idol. Call the police.

San Diego is a sunshiny place. They have surfing and whales there. And also some people. Over 12,000 of those showed up to audition, two of whom are literally asleep amidst the pandemonium. Is someone in this crowd the next American Idol? Seacrest really wants to know. He's back, and he's very curious. Bi-curious, I'll bet. Sorry, Ryan, I just can't help it.

Tetiana Ostapowych looks like a young Barbra Streisand, but, like, pretty. She sings "Someone to Watch Over Me" and manages to be both lovely and boring at the same time. Simon is only so-so on her, but votes her through along with Paula and Randy. When she leaves, he declares her "ob-noxious." I guess because she didn't flirt with him.

Perrie Cataldo came to audition with his little boy. Perry wears his hair in a slick pony tail, like that sax player from the old Tina Turner videos. The one who was in The Lost Boys? Ah, never mind. His kid is his mini-me: two feet high with the same skeevy hairstyle. The boy's name is...Evian. What, "Poland Spring" was too ethnic? Evian's mom is dead. Perry explains that "she was in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong people, doing wrong things and she paid for it." Crack is whack, people. Perry clearly loves his kid, and it's sweet. Also, boring. He sings Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You," and I don't like it at all. I mean, it's okay, but he just sounds like any bloke with a decent voice, singing in the shower. Meh. The judges fall all over themselves praising his voice. Perry gets his golden ticket. Whatevs.

Michael Jones is originally from Australia and performs a rendition of Otis Redding's "I've Been Loving You Too Long." He sounds like Cliff Richard with dash of Tom Jones and a pinch of soul. Very nice. He's overwhelmingly voted through to Hollywood.

Okay, this has been lovely. Can we have some freaks now?

Valerie Reyes had Mariah Carey for breakfast. Then she showered in Mariah Carey, dressed in Mariah Carey, and drove Mariah Carey to the auditions, where she talked about Mariah Carey. Valerie loves Mariah Carey. Valerie has seen the show before, and she loves to laugh at the bad auditions. Because what's funnier than watching a bunch of no-talent losers embarrass themselves on TV? Valerie sings "Against All Odds" and her voice is a hot, wiggling disaster. I can see how, inside her head, this might sound good. But outside her head, in our world, it's very, very not good. She gives herself a little thumbs up at the end (Valerie: "Yes!"), because she thinks she did well. Hee! Valerie is criticized harshly and sent packing. Then, shocked, she interviews that she's "gonna be on the rejects" and that's "so not cool." I know, right?

Monique Gibson and Christopher Baker came to audition together. She's a nurse and he's "in the health care field." Meaning he's a nurse. They think they're Hollywood material and that they've got "the look." If the look is "ghetto potato sack," then he is correct. Monique sounds like a munchkin being skinned alive. She keeps singing different songs. It doesn't help. Then come the tears. They don't help. Rejected. Christopher believes that children are the future. I believe Christopher is demented. He also sings several different songs, randomly, over the judges comments (all of which amount to: "You suck."). Finally, security escorts him out. Security is getting a lot of play this year, but they need to use their guns. It would improve ratings, I promise.

Samantha Musa thinks Simon is really, really hot. She likes his mean streak, and calls him a bad boy. Then she tells Ryan that he's evil, which I think turns him on a little bit. I like her. She has spunk. She's not a clone. These are good things. Samantha enters with her sister, who sits in Simon's lap the whole time. Last week it was hugs, this week is lap-sitting. At this rate, Simon will lead a knitting circle in Hollywood. Samantha sings "Till You Come Back to Me" like a qualified professional. The judges are impressed. Hollywood.

Blake Boshnack has auditioned in ten cities since Season Three. In Season Five, he came dressed as the Statue of Liberty and literally sang two words before Simon Cloverfielded him. Now he's back, dressed like the Gap -- in jeans and a nice black shirt. He also brought his mom along, because that'll help. He's not a bad kid, just...I dunno...not self-aware. At least he's trying. He sings "Stand By Me" and while it isn't a bad audition, as these things go, and the judges have let worse people through (like last week's Car Crash Rainbow Girl), Blake gets bounced. I think they just see him as a joke, which is his own doing. A sweater-vested Seacrest, with his arm around the neck of Blake's hot brother, reminds Blake that "there's always next year."

Alberto Hurtado is big Samoan hulk, with long frizzy hair and longer lady-like finger nails. He walks around waving himself with giant Oriental fans, as if he's about to get the vapors. We see him lounging in the park, with flowers stuck between the toes of his dirty gorilla feet. He wears one in his hair. "Sometimes I get so lost in my imaginations," he sics, "I kind of live there." Then he spins a Barbie on the end of stick. Round and round she goes. "It's a pasa doble," he hallucinates. I'm telling you now, this guy smells of incense and cat.

He enters the judging room hiding behind a giant homemade fan. It reads "A Big American Idol Fan," because prop comedy never dies. Then he unfolds a smaller one with Paula's name on it. He performs his own song, a dirge called "Live." He whisper-sings, "Here I am/this is me/standing with my heart upon my sleeve," then he holds out an arm with a heart sticker stuck on the sleeve. I...I just can't. Simon tells him his song is depressing, and this goes on for some time.

"You're making it gloomy," Simon says.

"It's a gloomy story that I have," Alberto minces.

He's summarily rejected, hands Paula her little fan, and exits. On the way out, his case worker or social worker or keeper...whatever she is...tells us that Alberto is talented in many, many ways. As we've seen he can fold paper into fans and is handy with a magic marker and glitter. It takes that sort of skill to achieve anything in this world.

David Archuleta is 16 years old. Some time ago, doctors told him that one of his vocal cords was paralyzed. Yipes! He opted not to have risky surgery to fix it, and by and by, he came to have some control over his voice. The smile on this kid is contagious. Tomorrow, I'm going to write his name in all my notebooks during homeroom. David sings "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer. Wow. If my voice could sound this good with one vocal cord, please, paralyze it. Randy sings backup during the audition, but it's all in good fun. He's impressed with David's voice, Paula is impressed with David's heinie, and Simon sees the next Zac Ephron. David is voted through to Hollywood. "I wanna squish you!" Paula exclaims. Paula and I will share a jail cell some day, and it will be fabulous.

Carly Smithson is originally from Ireland. She auditioned during Season Five and got through to Hollywood, but her visa misbehaved and she got disqualified. Since then, she's married a tattoo artist and is free to sing for us. Carly is a bundle of nerves as she performs "I'm Every Woman," but her rendition is so unique, it outshines the nerves. You know when they say "make the song your own"? Carly does that right here. "You can blow," Randy says, and it's yes, yes, and yes again to Hollywood.

Next up -- wait, that's it. This one was only an hour. Thanks, Fox!

Tomorrow, we're off to South Carolina for more of the same and more of the shame.

Lost in my imaginations...
-Frank