Dallas Auditions 2008

For the glory of Simon

by Frank Pittarese

Tonight we're in Dallas, Texas, for the first time since season one. This is where they found Kelly Clarkson. Then she escaped. Simon didn't especially care for Kelly then, but like the death of Bobby Ewing, that fact has been retconned away. Poof! "This is Dallas," Seacrest says. Yeah, but Dynasty was better. "And this is American Idol." Light a match.

We're welcomed to this episode with a faux-Dallas opening. The theme tune is a cover, the font is wrong, and they really needed to do frozen headshots of the three judges, with Ryan Seacrest as Miss Ellie...but points for trying....? Instead we get shots of landmarks, several people wearing cowboy hats because the world loves a stereotype, and a close-up of a crossdressing elephant, shouting "Everything is bigger in Texas!" That image is not enticing me to hop on a plane.

Apparently, it's very hot in Dallas, and the producers feel this is important enough information to warrant screen time, as opposed to, say, running another audition clip. Dear Show, I don't care about the weather of far away and long ago. Sincerely, Frankie.

Some lady went into labor while waiting to audition. Footage of the ambulance. Footage of the infant. Mom says, "I just thought that it was more than appropriate to name him Idol." It's a good thing she wasn't auditioning for The Biggest Loser.

Jessica Brown is a stay-at-home mom (the second in two days), with two little girls. Jessica, a Woman With a Past, reveals that not long ago, she was a big old meth addict. She tried it at a party, and she got hooked. That happened to me with Doritos. Now I have a cheese lab in my basement. Jessica even got herself arrested. Cute mug shot. Luckily, she got into recovery. Even more luckily, she had Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" to inspire her. Carrie is just fixing the world. Last season, it was Africa. This year, it's meth heads. Now that her life is in order, Jessica is willing to abandon her children to be on TV. Fame and fortune, y'all. Let's hope she doesn't meth up her audition.

She sings "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders, sounding almost exactly like Chrissie Hynde. Almost. Simon says Jessica made the song interesting, in that she got through it without injecting herself with something. Jess is going to Hollywood. Score!

Paul Stafford looks like Chris Penn in Footloose, and dances in the same herky-jerky style, much to the amusement of his fellow auditioneers. "Dance, fool, dance!" They find him most enjoyable. He's a park attendant, and we see him driving around in his cart, mowing the grass, and dusting off a base by hand. Don't they have brushes for that? He's a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts. There's a club for everything. Except me. Sniff. Paul sings Elliott Yamin's "Wait For You," proving that as the years pass, this show will eat itself alive. Paul is substantially terrible, but he sings with great gusto, like this is the Best! Song! Ever! Joyful or not, Hollywood ain't happening. Outside, Paul has this to say: "Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would, and that's good. 'Cause he goes down on just about everybody." Testify, brother!

Beth Maddocks loves Kelly Clarkson. She wants us to know that right up front. She tells the judges that people compare her to Kelly all the time. I think she looks just like Kelly Clarkson, if Kelly Clarkson were an entirely different person and had no talent. Beth sings "Beautiful Disaster" and it's loud, shrilly, and painful. She has a vibrato from Mars. And get this: she works as a singing waitress. Rejection is swift and unanimous.

Montage of disasterous singers. Moustachioed boy waving a jazz hand. Chubby tone deaf girl. Chick with horrendous hair and bad jewelry, singing from the brink of madness.

Enter Alaina Whitaker, the first perky blonde of the night. Her looks have been compared to Carrie Underwood, and I while I can see it, the image would be clearer if Alaina could pose next to a starving African child and Jessica Brown. Alaina sings "Stronger" by Faith Hill. She has a nice, if somewhat breathy, voice, and her performance is a little showy. I can't tell if I like her. Simon liked the audition, but he doesn't think Alaina's as good as she thinks she is. Randy and Paula give her some tips, and she gets three yesses to Hollywood.

Two hippie siblings, a boy and girl, sing two different songs together, in a weird sort of harmony/performance art. I can't understand a word of it. It could be Latin, for all I know. Rejected.

Sweet Christmas Eve. It's time for Virgin Bruce and his dad.

Bruce Dickson, a strapping 19-year-old buck (in a "Welcome to the O.C., bitch!" sort of way), interviews that he's never kissed a girl or had an intimate relationship with a woman before. When he was 13, his dad give him a gold key to wear around his neck. The key is cut out of a matching piece of jewelry: a heart. And where is that heart? It's around Dad's neck. The key, Bruce explains, symbolizes his promise to his future wife. When Bruce marries, Dad will give the heart to the bride, who will then throw herself out the nearest window. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to totally blow my mind. Does this boy know he's on TV? Why would you tell the nation about your oogie dad-related celibacy? Bruce and Dad lean in close together -- very close together -- so we can see how the two charms fit together. The key slides into the heart-hole, and...I think I saw a porno like this once.

Seacrest interviews/teases/flirts with Bruce's dad in the hallway, telling Dad the he runs a tight ship. "If he meets a girl out in Hollywood," says Ryan, "you're gonna be in big trouble." Dad laughs mockingly at the wee elf standing before him.

"You'll be guiding him, right?" asks Dad.

"Oh, you don't want that," responds Seacrest. "I kissed a girl today." Snogging the mirror doesn't count, Ryan.

Standing before the judges, the first thing out of Bruce's mouth is that he's never kissed a girl before. Randy wants to know if that's on purpose. Simon wants to know why. "Because I'm saving myself for that one special woman. On my wedding day, that'll be my first kiss." So he plans on dating without kissing? Ever? I bet this is one of those things where kissing is off limits, but getting handjobs is okay. Bruce sings "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone," His voice is okay; a little high school musical (the event, not the phenomenon). Paula doesn't see him as an R&B singer. Huh? Anyway, nobody is impressed. "Do you have any advice?" Bruce wonders.

"Kiss some girls!" Randy says.

"Avoid Ryan on the way out," Simon homos.

True and true.

Pia "Zpia" Easley is a model, a musician, and sings backup. She's got a really interesting look: a pretty face, with a short blonde fauxhawk, and a few tattoos (one of which is on her cheek). She could be a Colonial Marine on LV-426. Pia sings "I've Got to Use My Imagination" by Gladys Knight, and the judges are captivated. Simon sees dollar signs. "You're competent and you're stylish. I like you. A lot...a lot." Unanimously, Pia is sent to Hollywood.

Brandon is a normal 21-year-old lad from Mississippi, except for one disturbing fact: he peels off his fingernails. And he saves them. In a baggie. Which he carries around. And which he shows us. Sometimes -- not often, but sometimes -- I'm struck completely speechless. That's right now. Brandon proudly displays his baggie full of repulsive, yellow crusties to Seacrest. Brandon is a generous fellow. "Do you want one?" This right here is the future of our country.

Brandon tells the judges that he doesn't want to be like Britney Spears. Good to know. He also tells them about his nail collection, and they're predictably disgusted. He sings "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates. He has a pleasant voice, although it feels like he's rushing through his performance. Nerves, probably. Simon says he's forgettable, but the other two like Brandon's tone, and that's enough to get him and his scuzzy fingernails to Hollywood.

Kayla Hatfield looks like a young Kyra Sedgwick, by way of a gypsy fortune-teller on speed. She lives on a farm and has two children. When she was 18, she got into a car accident which pretty much destroyed half her face. She doesn't look bad now. There's some scarring, but it's nothing horrific, and she's also blind in one eye. Knowing this show, they would have preferred Kayla to be a talking head in a jar, but they must take their human tragedies as they find them. She's full of pep and happy to be alive. But she can't sing. Kayla performs "Take a Little Piece of My Heart," aggressively, like it just pissed on her lawn and she's reaching for a shotgun. But she's full of the joy and happy to have the chance to perform. The judges...put her through to Hollywood?!? Because she's a rainbow. Simon: "Love her...love her."

Montage of Bad. A Ruben Studdard clone sings like his testicles have fallen out. Tone deaf guy with a beard. Skinny blond boy sings "Think," trying to channel his best Aretha while pointing at his head every time he says "think." I heart him.

The last audition of the day is Kady Malloy, a typical blonde girl. She does vocal impressions, and demonstrates by singing like Britney Spears. Then she does Carrie Underwood (thankfully, it's "Before He Cheats" and not that damn Jesus song). Then, as herself, Kady sings "Unchained Melody," and while it's quite lovely, I wish that Skynet would send somebody back in time to terminate that song. The judges like RealKady. Simon declares her the best so far this year. "I've got a feeling about you," he says. It's called an erection. They vote her through to Hollywood, and Paula advises Kady to come prepared with a "whole bunch of songs" that she can really shine on. And then sing the pre-approved choices on the producers' list. Oh, Paula, do you not know how this show works?

Day Two. The song remains the same. And it's lousy, so let's motor.

Douglas Davidson is a bespectacled, sweaty marshmallow. He's been trying to "restart" his "singing hobby" since he was 16. He's nervous and wants to warm up, so he faces the wall and moans. Then he shouts. Finally, he's ready to sing. It's Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." Douglas sings like he has a peanut allergy and just scarfed some Planters. He gags on every other word. He whispers...something. I don't even know if it's the song. It might be a spell of some sort. He won't stop. He walks around in circles. He still won't stop. He won't leave. He's escorted out, moaning all the way. Outside, he says: "I think that was pretty decent." Douglas's universe is very nice, from the inside.

Angela Reilly just got married to a model named Chad. He's invited in (and is gay porn levels of smoking hot, FYI), and talks about how he chose Angela's songs. She starts with "Baby Love," and I'm sure it sounds fine, at home, in Angela's kitchen. Chad thinks it was awesome. The judges do not. Angela has a gleam of madness in her eye. She's creepier than Douglas -- because she's sentient. Goodbye Angela and Chad.

Kyle Ensley is a curly-haired little geek dressed in his Sunday finest. He wants to run for President...or be the next American Idol...or be the Governor of Oklahoma. One of those. Or all of them. I don't know. It's like when a little kid says he wants to be an astronaut and a dinosaur. Kyle sings Queen's "Somebody to Love," and amazingly, it's not a train wreck. He's like Clay Aiken, minus the gay (allegedly). If he makes Top Twelve, they'll ruin him with a haircut, an eyebrow wax, and bad wardrobe. But for now, we're good. Also, he won't make Top Twelve, by virtue of the fact that we're actually seeing him on TV right now.

Tammy Tuzinski made a special trip to 1972 to get her hair done and has all the energy of a fart in a blanket. I think she might be Vicki from Small Wonder. She sings "The Power of Love" by Celine Dion. Except that she's singing "If You Ask Me To" by Patti LaBelle. And isn't "The Power of Love" a Huey Lewis song? She doesn't know what she's singing, nor do the judges, and nor do I, but it's falsetto and bad.

Colton Swon is a musician who plays guitar and drums. We see neither of these things. His thick hair stands up on end. He looks like Wayne from The Wonder Years after receiving and electrical shock. He sings "Boondocks" by Little Big Town and it's very nice. Colton has a powerful voice, but he could reign himself in a bit. Paula tells him to open his eyes more, and he can do that in Hollywood, before he goes home forever.

Drew Poppelreiter is a sweet-as-apple-pie farmer boy, ready to shuck his responsibilities at home to sing on the Idol. "To get somewhere, you've got to give up stuff sometimes," he says. Like waking up at four a.m. to milk cows. His jeans fit deliciously. Drew sings some country song, and sounds like a country singer, all deep-voiced and twangy. He could sing a cookie recipe for all I care. More, please. Paula is beside herself, as one might expect. Simon, not so much. Randy decides, and it's Hollywood for Drew.

Kyle Reinneck has been swimming in a pool of bronzer and wears eyeliner. He calls it "guyliner." P.S.: it's still gay. He minces on about "rocking out," while wearing a shirt covered in doodles and slogans, like "Do You Idol Kyle?" He's like the cover of every notebook I had in high school, if those notebooks were orange and knew all the lyrics from West Side Story. Kyle sings some Kelly Clarkson song like he wants to hurt it. Simon finds it disturbing, and Kyle admits to being intense. Dude has eyes like a crazy lady. No, no, no to Hollywood.

Montage of people singing "Since You've Been Gone," including: the Ruben Studdard guy we saw earlier, a nelly break-dancer in leather pants, a voice-cracker in a baseball cap, and a fat girl with a mime face.

Nina Shaw comes in wearing a mod dress and looking like a model. I already love her, so I hope she can sing. She can. She's doesn't floor me, and I don't think she's Top Twelve material, but after singing a two songs, she shows some promise. Hollywood.

God, why do you hate me so? Okay, this weird old dude shows up, dressed like the ghost of a midget pimp. He's dressed in white, wearing a winged hat covered in feathers, and a silver cape. He might be wearing chrysanthemums as shoulder pads. I have no idea. "If I won American Idol, I would give hope to those in despairs." I am in despairs watching this. He bows to Seacrest, as have many before him.

The guy, Renaldo Lapuz, has Simon's name pinned to his hat. He explains why to Paula. "Everywhere, as long as there is print media, television, radio, speaks the name of Simon." Yes. Of course, he sings an original composition, called "We're Brothers Forever," in the voice of Mighty Mouse. "I am your brother/your best friend forever." This song goes on for months. They judges sway along. They join in. The make him sing it again. And again. I feel like I'm being punished for something. Now Seacrest is in the room, and he's singing along, too. Paula gets up and does an interpretive dance. Finally, it ends. Simon politely thanks Renaldo, and then gives him a hug. I don't know what happens after that, because the apocalypse has come.

I'll let Renaldo wrap this up tonight, with his message to Simon: "You are heaven's chosen to give chance to any talent, for free of charge." I think we've all learned something here, haven't we?

Next week, we're back to hour-long episodes as the auditions continue.

Peace be with you,
-Frank