Top Two: Finals (5/22)

Finally!

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest stands in a beam of bright light. He's got 30 seconds for an intro, then it's back to the mothership for some Reece's Pieces. "One hundred thousand down, to two go." Is he referring to the men in West Hollywood he's yet to sleep with? "One guy, one girl, and one last chance to win your vote." Oh, he's talking about the show! "This is the night. This is the audience." The lights go up in the Kodak Theater, which seats like 75 bajillion people. All of them go apeshit and jump to their feet because of the electric buzzers wired to their seats. "This is American Idol!"

Screaming, crazy people. There's Denise Richards, taking a break from saying mean things about Charlie Sheen. What is her specific talent? Can someone please tell me? Seacrest applauds for the crowd, and they applaud back. This can go on forever, Ryan. Do not tease the monkeys. Is that Dr. Marlena Evans in the audience? I would not be surprised. Seacrest gives us the rundown of past "Battle of the Sexes" finalists: Justin and Kelly, Bo and Carrie, Taylor and Katherine, Ruben and Clay, and now, Blake and Jordin. We'll be making their dreams come true, Seacrest says. Schlameil, schlamazzle.

Salutations to the judges. They're wearing their finest because this is a Big Affair. Randy Jackson came dressed as a general in the gay army of the Rhythm Nation. Paula...whew...she looks like she's been through the ringer. Hair poofy, face puffy...some kind of frilly clown collar action around her neck. More on her in a minute. Simon managed to find a nice jacket and white dress shirt, but no tie. And the shirt is open, all the way down. I see London, I see France, I see Simon's testicles. Ryan aptly introduces him as "Simon Cleavage."

So what happened to Paula? (And when will I begin a paragraph that doesn't start with the letter 's'?) Last night she tripped over her dog and broke her nose. Hence the puffy face. As for the hair? I can't say. Maybe washing it would've been a strain. Paula says she's bruised, but it looks like the makeup people have covered that up, and she adds that the dog is fine. "So the bitch is okay," Ryan ad libs. Yipes! Family show, Seacrest. Family show.

Seattle Flashback. When we were young and our hearts were an open book, thousands of people stood in the rain to audition for this show. Blake and Jordin were among them. Also, there were freaks: an ugly girl, several skinny wailing boys, Bush Baby, and Special Needs Jonathan. In some parallel universe, those two are in the finals tonight, and how awesome is that?!? Paula is sober in that universe. It's a fact! Footage of Jordin and Blake, waiting in line for auditions. Remember when I thought Blake was an annoying hipster? Remember when I took it back? Remember when I took back my take back? Blake and I are like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. We can't be together and we can't be apart. Hey, Sanjaya was in line behind Blake. These clips are like Where's Waldo. Blake says he auditioned on a whim. Clip of Seacrest interviewing Blake. You can see the magic between them, even then. Paula loved Blake and Simon wasn't so impressed. Didn't he say that about Taylor last year? Guess somebody's opinion isn't as important as he'd like us to think. "I didn't know how bad I wanted it till I got on the stage for the first time," Blake says.

Jordin woke up on her sixteenth birthday and was like, "I need to get ready to audition for American Idol." When I woke up on my sixteenth birthday, I was like, "I need to not go to school today." So I didn't. My mom could be cool like that, sometimes. At auditions, the judges all say Jordin will do well. Jordin sings in many different evening gowns and nighties. Randy says in many different ways how shocked -- SHOCKED -- he is that Jordin is seventeen. He'll go to his grave saying this. There's Jordin playing guitar. There's Blake playing Guitar Hero. He's so post-modern. "Tonight, you decide their fate," Seacrest says. Not if I don't vote, bub.

After last's weeks show, Seacrest tossed a coin to see if Blake or Jordin would perform first this week. Blake won and got to choose. He deferred to Jordin, who was like, "Hell no, I don't wanna go first!" So Blake sucked it up.

Tonight, again, the kids will sing three songs. One is their favorite previously performed song, one is something they haven't sung before on the show, and the last will be the song that won the little-publicized song competition.

Blake Lewis repeats his Bon Jovi Night performance of You Give Love a Bad Name. He makes sounds like a broke down washing machine, but I think it's meant to be a jukebox. His voice skips, like a broken record, and he does this quick rewindy thing, which I also don't appreciate. This beatboxing/noisemaking thing is a skill, but ya know what? I had an aunt who could turn her eyelids inside out at will. That was a skill, too, and I don't want to see that or hear this. Blake is sooo losing points with me. The singing parts are slow, but his voice sounds okay, then he shouts the chorus more than sings it, killing whatever headway he was making. Next, he runs around with the mic stand and almost decapitates three people. Blake might get my vote yet!

The audience cheers, and there in the audience is Greg Grunberg, the mind-reading cop from Heroes. Maybe he can read the Heroes writers' minds and find out what that finale was all about. Sylar can telekinetically stop bullets, but he can't stop a little Asian dude from running at him? Loudness and shouting forever. Randy can't even get his words out. Finally...

Judges. He gives Blake a 10 out of 10 for the beatboxing, but the singing "was just alright." That, my friends, is a grand kindness. Much booing ensues. Paula volunteers to pick the potatoes out of Randy's ears or somesuch, "because he doesn't know what he's hearing." She doesn't know what she's saying, so we've got ourselves a fine set of bookends right here. Paula wishes she could give Blake more than a ten. Like her vagina. Simon says Blake isn't the best singer in this thing, but he is the best performer. I will begrudingly agree. He's irritating at times, but never boring. Except for that time he sung Imagine like he was touring a death camp.

The ex-Idols: Gina, Sligh, Sanjaya, Haley, Chris R., Melinda, Lakisha and Phil -- who is dressed in his little sailor outfit, like the Cracker Jack mascot -- all applaud Simon's remarks. Phil jumps from his seat and shouts some praise because the cameras are on him. I can't make out what he's saying, but I'm sure it has something to do with 9/11.

Jordin Sparks is singing Christina Aguilera's Fighter. Whoa. Jordin looks about to deliver a whuppin'. The song is very aggressive...it means business. It's got a bit of En Vogue by way of Beyonce happening, which means that Jordin really has to sell it. She can't wimp out. And she doesn't. She gets all angry, singing about getting stronger, working harder and, essentially, kicking her man in the ass. She belts the hell out of it at the end, and the lights are strobing all crazy, and damn, this is good!

Judges. Randy says Jordin's voice was stellar and that she sounded amazing. Paula breaks out her thesaurus to call Jordin stellar and awesome. Simon, puffing on his crack pipe, says the vocals were "shrieky," then he gives Round One to Blake.

Who keeps inviting Constantine to sit in the audience? He gives me hives.

The History of Blake. Growing up, he wanted a drum set every year at Christmas, but he never got one. Home video footage of L'il Blake getting a chemistry set or something. In his senior year of high school, he saw some guy beatboxing decided that was for him. One day, Blake's dad came home to hear strange noises coming from the garage. He opened the door and was shocked to find Blake beatboxing. "He's still doing it," Papa Lewis says. I realize how boring that story is, but if you change the word "beatboxing" to "masturbating," it becomes much more entertaining.

Blake Lewis is back, singing Maroon 5's She Will Be Loved. By the way, their new album? Sweeet! Rocking the argyle, Blake starts this song sitting on the edge of the stage. He's going for a higher register...not quite a falsetto. It's not awful. He seems to surprise himself at times, when he doesn't mess up. There's nothing special about this performance. There's no beatboxing and Blake doesn't screw around with the arrangement at all. But overall, the simplicity of it works for him.

Judges. Randy thought it was a great song and very nice vocal. Very nice. Ricky Schroder, fresh from being struck blind on 24, agrees with this comment. Paula liked that Blake got into "the ease of the song." She says he sounded great and relaxed. Simon says it was good, it was safe, but it wasn't as good as the first performance. Nuh-uh, Simon!

Why is Marlee Matlin here? What is she applauding for? Seriously, connect me those dots.

The History of Jordin. Jordin always wanted to sing, and she entered her first competition when she was 12. Her mom says the first songs Jordin sang were her ABC's and Jesus Loves Me and she started singing at 18 months old. Eighteen months! Wrap your mind around that, Randy! Of her Idol experience, Jordin says, "I just couldn't ask for more. Thank you." Note to Jordin: Always ask for more.

Jordin Sparks repeats her cover of Martina McWhatHerFace's Broken Wing. Again, a lovely performance. Jordin has gotten better week after week. It's nice to see her so relaxed, so comfortable, and just singing her little heart out.

Judges. Randy says he's loved her since she auditioned and he still believes she's the most talented 17-year-old singer he's ever seen. Yes, but will he still love her when she's 18? That's the bigger issue. "That was flawless, that was unbelievable -- I think, better than the original," he says. Paula exclaims that Jordin is in "great, great vocal voice tonight." I love Paula. "Now that was good," Simon says.

And now, Seacrest reveals the winner of the American Idol songwriting competition, which was mentioned all of twice this season. The reason for the competition was to avoid the tired trend of the finale song being a sappy A Moment Like This-type ballad. That's important. The winners are Scott Prippayne and Jeff Peabody. Scott's a Christian music artist and Jeff's a pastor, so the less I speak about them, the better off we'll all be. Seacrest isn't thrilled with the size of one of 'em. He makes the big guy sit down. "You're making me look small," he says. So do Chihuahua's, Ryan, what's your point? The trend-breaking song that won the competition is called This Is My Now. Yes, that is the correct title.

Blake Lewis is up first. I breathlessly anticipate the new songwriting magic I'm about to hear. He sitting on the edge of the big screen, like he's roleplaying a hot version of The Ring. A piano kicks in, soft and gentle. The first few notes sound like that Bryan Adam's song from Robin Hood. "There was a time/I packed my dreams away..." Uh oh, that doesn't bode well. "Living in a shell/hiding from myself..." Maybe this song is about coming out of the closet. I perk up. "I thought I'd reached the end/but baby, that was then/Coz I am made of more than my yesterdays." Yeah, no...this is song is totally mixed from the same formula as the others, courtesy of the Diane Warren Ballad Laboratory. The chorus kicks is. "This is my now/and I am breathin' in the moment/as I look around/I can't believe the love I see." Basically, it's A Moment Like This, with different words and music. But it's A Moment Like This.

Blake, sadly, but unsurprisingly, is not the right singer for this song. Bad enough that it's a sappy ballad, which negates his hipster powers, but it's really a lyric that's suited for a female artist. There's no getting around that. He tries his best to make pop-lemonade from a lemon, but the whole thing is a misfire, and he knows it. Still, he looks good. I want an action figure of him, with interchangeable argyle sweaters.

Judges. Randy says Blake did a good job, even though it's not the kind of song that's suited for his voice. "It wasn't great, it was just alright." Paula thinks Blake did a great job on the song, but Simon thought it was odd. He didn't like the "jumping around in the middle," which was just Blake's version of the Chris Richardson bounce during the louder parts of the song. Simon adds that Blake looked frustrated. And who wouldn't be? He spent weeks on this show only to be musically sabotaged by the show itself. "I think we have to judge you tonight...on your first two performances." Well, if that's the case...

Jordin Sparks. Same song. Worlds apart from what we saw five minutes ago. This song was made for her, a 17-year-old girl who dreamed of being on -- and winning -- the biggest talent competition in America, now singing in the finals of said competition. Come on, show. There's manipulation and there's stacking the deck. Jordin's performance is amazing. Every damn note is perfect. As the song wraps, she belts out a superpowerful note, then gets emotional and chokes up on the last few lines. It is impossible not to root for this kid right now. The audience, justifiably, loose their motherclucking minds.

Judges. Randy: "You were the best singer tonight -- you deserve it all, baby!" More cheers. Constantine, some lady who used to be on One Life to Live, and Dawson Leery, are all out there, with the applause. "You are an angel," Paula says. Simon: "You just wiped the floor with Blake on that song." Jordin wells up with tears, then just gives into it as Seacrest skips over. In the audience, Kathy Griffin nods like, "You work those tears and get those votes!" Meanwhile, there's standing and chanting from the natives. "Jor-din! Jor-din! JOR-DIN!" Yeah, well...nice knowin' ya, Blakey.

Clipfest of What Happened Tonight. Blake giving love a bad name, and giving a worse one to beatboxing. Blake looking for the girl with the broken smile, because she sells argyle sweaters. Blake singing confusedly about this being his now. He needs to buy himself a new watch. Jordin getting stronger and wiser and show-winning-er. Jordin carrying her dreams with a broken wing all the way to her now, which this is. Or will be, tomorrow. Am I spoiling things? Really?

And just when you think it's over, Daughtry comes out. The man, the band, the experience. He's wearing more eye makeup than Donna Mills did in the sixth season of Knot's Landing. He looks like a fucking Bratz doll. He/they sing Home while flashbacks of the season play out on the big screen behind him/them. Auditioneers. Random crying girl. Juggling Boy (aww, Juggling Boy). Phil visiting his baby after missing her birth to be on this show. That gross couple where she liked the taste of her man's grill. LaKisha and child. Boy whose mother didn't love him till he got to Hollywood, then stopped loving him again after he got booted. Jordin and Blake getting their Golden Tickets. Gina. Bush Baby and Special Needs Jonathan. Horrible Fakeity-Fake Girl, who said she "ran away" to audition, and then her dad was all like, "Whatever. See you tomorrow." Tears upon tears. Brokeback Cowboy. Stephanie Sloane. Sundance Head. Ugh. Top 12 getting cut, one by one. Whew! It has been a year!

Tomorrow night, a winner is declared amidst padding like you would not believe.

This is my later...
--Frank