Top Four: Results Show (5/16)

Three become two.

by Frank Pittarese

Ryan Seacrest has jaundice. How else could he be so yellow. Oh, wait, that's not Seacrest. It's Homer Simpson. Apparently, Fox's most-watched show has been pre-empted by it's least-watched. (I kid. I'm sure a few more people watch The Simpsons than The War at Home. Not many, though.) What the hell, I'm already here, so I might as well forge ahead. Homer, dressed in a smart blue suit, tells us that last night on American Idol, "some people were mad, others were happy, Simon was scary, Paula was nice, and Randy forgot to button his shirt...what's going to happen next?!? This is...uh? Oh! American Idol! Hey, is it too late to vote for Fantasia?" Watch it, Simpson. I used practically that same gag in last week's recap!

After the opening credits, Seacrest takes the stage. I miss Homer already. He may be a cartoon, but he's much less artificial. Ryan promises results and entertainment. The two things are mutually exclusive, I guess. Then, after a brief "hello" to the judges...

Flashback. In last night's show, each contestant got to sing three songs: a judges pick, a producers pick, and a song choice made by their very selves. Jordin, dressed in a nightgown, sang a song she'd never heard before. Simon, who made the choice, was not entertained by her ignorance. Then she did a Donna Summer song about working hard and being treated right, followed by a repeat of her awesome I Who Have Nothing performance from British Invasion Week. Blake sang Roxanne like his hair was on fire, followed that with a copycat performance of Maroon 5's This Love, and finished with a bit of Robin Thicke, an artist this show is determined to inflict upon us. The judges loved all of Blake's performances, craptacular though they were. Meanwhile, Melinda proved she could do anything. Whitney Houston? Check. Tina Turner? Check. Peggy Lee? Double-check. That last one, a repeat of her I'm A Woman cover, was good, but was it really wise of Melinda to remind the viewers that she, unlike Blake and Jordin, is an actual adult? We shall see.

Hometown visit. Jordin returned to Glendale, Arizona. There's some high-speed chase-like footage, shot from a helicopter, of Jordin being driven to the local Fox station. She's late because OJ Simpon is in the back seat. Cheerleaders cheer for her, which the only way they know how to communicate, but regular people are cheering for her, as well. There's a marching band, too, and lots of folks holding signs. It takes some special wiring to be a sign-holder. One must possess a certain degree of shamelessness (and be handy with glitter). Jordin is told it's "Jordin Sparks Day," which surprises her. Doesn't she watch this show? Everybody gets a day. Jasmine Trias got a day. She visits her old high school. Massive, massive numbers of people. Little children following her around. This isn't Idol Gives Back, so they just want an autograph, not a sandwich. Jordin cries, and it's very sweet. She's reunited with her best friend, who must have been held in a prison camp from the way they both carry on. The town throws her a parade and a crowd of 10,000 people show up. Ten thousand! The mayor gives Jordin her song choice, which we already saw last night. Then she sings I Who Have Nothing again, which...Jordin, please. They threw you a parade. That's something. Riding in a limo. Face sopping wet with tears. Shouts of gratitude to the masses.

Results? Jordin is on stage with Seacrest. Is she safe? "America voted...find out how you did a little bit later in the show." Fake out!

After the break, Haley Scarnato, LaKisha Jones, and Brandon Rogers (remember him?) are found sitting in the audience. Also present is Jackie Collins, who Ryan totally, awesomely ignores in favor of saying hello to some Idol contest winners. He just walks right past her. Ha!!

Before Blake's hometown clip runs, Seacrest takes time to chat with him. Among the highlights: Ryan singing This Love to Blake, then asking him if he really likes big butts. Honest.

Hometown visit. Blake flies home to Seattle. Screaming girls as far as the eye can see. Being interviewed on the radio as more girls press their faces against the window. It's like Night of the Living Dead meets Hairspray. Suddenly, there's boobs. A woman with Blake's image (I think) on her t-shirt jumps up and down a dozen times. The camera guy gets nice and close on that one. Bounce, bounce. Classy. Blake visits the top of the space needle -- outside, right near the antennae. He gears up for a live, outdoor appearance. A patrillion frenzied girls, all over the place. There's Jonathan Jayne (!), our chubby "special needs" friend from Seattle auditions. No sign of his Bush Baby buddy. Blake at home, hugging his parents. Papa Lewis crying over his own dead parents. Blake's parade, Hysterical girls. Getting Paula's song choice from Marky, the Boy Mayor. Singing that Keane song, which is the best thing Blake's ever done on this show. Singing the National Anthem at a baseball game. "The best day ever," he says.

Results? After chasing Blake's father off the stage, who is there for no relevant reason, the lights dim, and Seacrest gets down to business. "America voted...have a seat, we'll get to results in just a few minutes." Fake out!

Performance. Did I miss Elliott Yamin's appearance on Extreme Makeover? He's here to perform his new single, Wait For You, which is the Backstreet Boys' All I Have to Give but with different words and less of the sexy-boy. Much less. Elliott has grown his hair out into some mad Medusa curls, and his teeth...oh sweet baby Jesus...he has replaced his old snaggles with massive veneers that are as big as his head. They look radioactive. If Elliott was in the process of metamorphosizing, they broke him out of his cocoon too soon. Boy ain't ready yet.

The judges say nice things to Elliott, because he's a nice guy who graduated from this mutant academy of ours and lived to tell the tale. He inspires the Idols by talking about great things yet to come and wishes luck to "all y'all." Then he thanks everybody in creation, including Coca-Cola, Ford, and Porsche! Seacrest just about lays an egg over that one. "Sponsors only! BZZT! Unauthorized product mention! BZZZT! Terminate! Ter-min-ate!"

Commericals. Who's willing to go see the new Die Hard movie with me? Anyone? Anyone? Bitches.

Hometown visit. Melinda heads back to Nashville. Appearing on the Fox Morning Show. Scary morning co-host people. Signing the autographs. A nerdy girl says that Melinda is her inspiration. "She got me through a lot of tough times." I say the same thing about Blake, but in a different way. Also, Chris Richardson. Also, both at the same time. Thoughts of them make my troubles vanish. The Governor declares it to be "Melinda Doolittle Day." See?! Visiting her old school. Tons of people with "We (Heart) Melinda" signs. Tons, but less than Blake, and much, much less than Jordin. I'm just saying. Melinda welling up. The Governor dedicating a street, Melinda Doolittle Way. Singing for the crowd. Going to church. Hugs for everyone. Crying again. Aww.

Results? Ryan and Melinda on stage. "The votes came in, and the results are...coming up." Fake Out III: The Revenge.

Performance. Maroon 5 is here to sing their new single, Makes Me Wonder. You know what I wonder? How someone as hot as Adam Levine can even exist. Strangely, the rest of the band members have gotten somewhat fugly since the last album. Maybe Adam is draining their life force and by the next CD they'll all be decrepit old men. Anyway, the performance is okay. It's much better than the one they gave at the Kids' Choice Awards, but still, not the best live vocal. Adam, I fear, is a disc singer.

Elimination time! Jordin, Blake, and Melinda stand in a row. Almost 60 million votes came in. Jordin has made it through to the finale! The audience erupts into rowdy applause as she takes her seat. Blake and Melinda remain. Melinda is wearing a top that has the words "Death Cheater" printed across the chest. Irony rushes up on stage and takes the microphone from Seacrest's hand. America has decided...that tonight is the end of the road for Melinda Doolittle! Wow. Who'da thunk it? Actually, it's not a huge surprise. Blake and Jordin are young, like much of this show's key demographic, and while Melinda was awesome from the beginning, Jordin got better week after week. We never had the chance to become complacent watching her, whereas with Melinda...well, we just got used to her being a pro. As for Blake, he's got the teenybopper vote. No worries for him.

Flashback. Melinda getting complimented at auditions. She's shocked! Singing in Hollywood. Getting into the semi-finals. Crying at her parade (hey, we just saw that!). Hugging the 'rents. Musical mentors all over the joint. Giant gay boy in the audience holding up a Melinda sign. Paula, sobbing like a maniac from the time Melinda sang Home. "Dream bigger than you've ever dreamed before, because this is showing you that it's so possible." But dream your dreams in Nashville, Melinda, 'cause that's where you'll be.

Supportive words from the judges. Commiserations from Simon for getting booted. Melinda reminds us she's a woman, W-O-M-A-N as she sings us out for the night. No tears on this one. I sort of admire that.

Next week, it's finally the finale. Jordin Sparks vs. Blake Lewis. I'm guessing that he'll win, although he probably wants it less than she does. There's no telling what kind of tripe they'll force him to record, but if he comes in second, he'll have the luxury of creative freedom. And if Jordin wins, she can become the next Mandy Moore, which I think will please her just fine. But no, it'll be Blake who gets crowned.

Or not.
--Frank