Top Three: Triple Threat Night (5/15)

The power of three will make you flee.

by Frank Pittarese

"The final three have been home and received a hero's welcome." Good, maybe that means Sylar ate their brains. Ryan wants to know who will make it to the finale. He's curious, like George. "This is American Idol."

Seacrest tells us we're all about three's tonight. "Three finalists, singing three songs each." There are three lines open for us to vote (which I haven't done once this year), and of course, the three judges. Tonight, each of them has picked one song for a contestant, the producers have done the same, and the final three have each chosen a favorite song of theirs to perform.

Jordin Sparks is up first. In her hometown of Glendale, Arizona, Mayor Elaine Scruggs and a crowd of thousands stand with Jordin in front of an AMC movie theater. The AMC is blurred out, but whoever did it did a crappy job. The letters are easy to read. Scruggs reads Jordin a fax from Cowell, which includes the details of her song choice. Jordin, who is a giant, is totally reading the fax over Scruggs's shoulder, but she acts all surprised upon hearing that her chosen song will be Wishing on a Star, by Rose Royce, also known as What? And by Whom? Don't worry about it. Despite Jordin's joyous reaction, she doesn't know what it is, either.

Quick factoid. The whom is a they. Rose Royce was an R&B band best known for the song Car Wash. They had a few other hits, but the one Jordin is singing peaked at #52 on the Billboard Charts in 1977. More recently, it was covered by Beyonce. End factoid.

Jordin has decided to sing this song in a nightgown. Wearing nightgowns in public has become an odd trend of late, for which I blame Jennifer Love Hewitt. Have you seen what she wears on Ghost Whisperer? Have you at least heard of Ghost Whisperer? Shut up.

Oh, almost forgot about Jordin. She's singing this old R&B song I've never heard before, recorded from a time before she was born. Her voice is as pretty as ever, but I'm not into this song and find it difficult to give her my full attention.

Judges. Randy is trying to see "who's in it to win it," and says Jordin's vocal was very good. He references Beyonce and calls Jordin's performance hot. Paula says it was a beautiful song for Jordin. I think she's in her cups tonight. Simon says Jordin sang it brilliantly, but didn't like the jazz arrangement. That was jazz? Then he says it wasn't one of Jordin's better performances. But didn't he just say she sang it brilliantly? My head spins. Right here is where Jordin cops to having never heard the song in her life. Simon looks mildly aghast (maybe it's a karaoke classic in Britain), but Jordin keeps the peace by thanking him for his choice.

Blake Lewis, at home in Bothell, Washington, stands next to Mayor Mark Lamb, who looks like he just came from a keg party. An army of people turned out for this spectacle, and a good percentage of them are crammed onto a rinky-dink wooden bridge. That can't be safe. If I were going to die in a tragic bridge collapse, I wouldn't want it to be because I was trying to see Blake Lewis from 50 yards away. Mayor Marky reads Paula's choice for Blake. She's chosen Roxanne, by The Police, because what this show needs is more songs about prostitution.

Man, Blake has been killing me these last few weeks. He starts off ahead of the music and pretty much stays there for the length of the song. That's what slew Sligh, as you recall. Blake also sings this song like a time bomb is ticking. I know they're trying to squeeze three performances into the hour, but this song has a very deliberate pace. Speeding up the tempo serves no one, especially not Blake. An absurd amount of echo is added to his voice. This is a singing competition, not a special effects competition. Let Blake stand or fall on his own. Question: Why does Blake look quickly over his left shoulder after every other line? Answer: To annoy me. The music and Blake's singing bear no relationship to each other. Ugh! Slow down! He slides to the front of the stage on his knees for the big finish. Joe Rockstar lives.

Judges. Randy thought it was a great, great performance. Say hello to the first of many lies tonight. "That was hot!" Paula says Blake was fantastic. Yeah, fantastically turdy. Simon says it wasn't earth-shattering. It was good, but it wasn't great. I'm baffled as to why he feels the need to be nice.

Melinda Doolittle has traveled back to Tennessee, where she met Governor Phil Bredesen. He reads a fax that starts with, "Check it out," so even if you didn't know it was from Randy, you'd know it's from Randy. Gov. Phil tells Melinda that she'll be singing Whitney Houston's I Believe In You and Me. There's a close-up of the document, showing the Governor's fax number, clear as day. Wanna fax prank him?!? Nah, me neither.

So Melinda sings Whitney, and it's okay because Randy said so. I wonder what they'd say if she chose Whitney on her own. "Don't sing Whitney," is most likely. She's wearing a print dress that's cinched at the bottom, giving the impression that she's singing from inside a laundry bag. Bubble skirts. I think that's what they're called. Bubble skirts are stupid. The performance? Oh, right. It's fine. It's Melinda, so you're gonna get a professional two minutes, but this song is yet another snoozer.

Judges. Randy says it was hot and that Melinda blew it out the box. Paula says it was one of Melinda's best performance of the season, which Simon basically echoes. "Round One goes to Melinda." So it's like that now? We're having rounds?

The Ryan steps up to give out the numbers, and he's all, "Yo, yo, yo, dawg, what it be like?" Simon asks if he's drunk, which he denies, but the boy is in good spirits tonight, that's for sure.

Interview segment. Seacrest asks Jordin to name her favorite song of all time. She says it's Hanson's Mmm Bop, prompting Seacrest to sing a few bars. Wait till tomorrow when he talks to Blake. It gets worse.

Jordin's second song, as chosen by the producers, is Donna Summer's She Works Hard for the Money. Yay! Another song about prostitution! Okay, well...it could be, if you think about it. Like Blake's Police song, the music moves at super-speed. Unlike Blake, Jordin is able to keep up with the shitty arrangement. She's too young for this song, and too privileged. I don't think Jordin knows much about the struggles of the working class women of 1983. Her voice carries the performance through, but I'm out of breath just listening to it.

Judges. Randy says it doesn't matter what Jordin sings, she works it out! Paula, our resident wordsmith, says that Jordin worked hard for the money tonight. This amuses Simon to no end. "That was hilarious!" Then he says the arrangement was old-fashioned. The arrangement was on crystal meth is what it was.

Interview segment. Ryan-n-Blake. "If they were to make a movie about your life, what would the title be and who would play your part?" Blake says Jim Carrey would play him and it would be called Organized Chaos. Blake needs to do me a favor and not speak. Jim Carrey? True story: Kathy Griffin met Blake recently and he gave her a copy of his comedy reel. Blake is wacky, remember? He does "characters." Jim Carrey. Psssh.

Blake's second song is This Love, by Maroon 5, which I sincerely hope he won't screw up, but I sincerely believe that he will. He almost surprises me. Almost. The bulk of Blake's performance is a copycat version of the original. Okay, whatever. But then he beatboxes in the thick of it. Didn't they tell him to knock it off last week? By beatboxing, Blake has destroyed the perfect adequacy of his number. He does sing the dirty parts, though, which MTV and VH1 used to mute when the video aired.

Judges. Randy: "When you make a record...that's the kinda record you should really make...nicely done!" Paula says it's a good night for Blake, and then Simon lies his tits off by saying that it didn't sound like a copycat performance.

Interview segment. Ryan wants to know who Melinda's idol was, growing up. It was her mom. Damn, I was hoping she'd say Hitler or something. Just for a laugh.

Melinda's second song is Nutbush City Limits, by Tina Turner. As expected, she tears up the stage. Melinda sings the song with a Tina-appropriate rough edge to her voice. Good stuff.

Judges. Randy, love. Paula, love. Simon, love. And for those keeping score, Simon calls this round a tie.

Clipfest. Jordin at home. She goes to the mall, where someone has dropped a plaque at the foot of the escalator. It reads "Arrowhead Town Center, Home of Jordin Sparks." Jordin carries on like it's the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and as she signs it, she says, "People can walk all over me now." That's showbiz, kid.

Jordin's final song is her choice, and she's re-singing I Who Have Nothing from British Invasion Week. It is now, as it was then, a lovely performance, and she chose wisely, because this song really showcases her voice. Plus, she acts it out like she's on Days of Our Lives, with lots of dramatic gestures, soapy faces, and an evil twin.

Judges. Randy thinks it was hot...her best performance of the night. Paula says the song sat well on Jordin's voice. No, that's really what she says. Simon hated the fact that a 17-year-old was singing a 60-year-old song. Jordin sasses back with, "Wasn't Rose Royce in the 70s?" because to her, the 1970s are as good as the 1950s. They're both full of horse-and-buggy riding dead people who wore powdered wigs.

Clipfest. Blake at home. Performing before hundreds upon hundreds of onlookers, Blake beatboxes alongside Sir Mix-a-Lot as he sings Baby Got Back. It's like a weird Penn and Teller skit. I have to look away.

Blake's final song is...some godawful Robin Thicke thing. When I Get You Alone. How is Robin Thicke selling CDs? Are there free drugs packed inside the liner notes? I don't understand the phenomenon of him. What is this? The music is the disco classic A Fifth of Beethoven, and the lyrics are a rappy mumbo-jumbo of nothing. I'll say this for Blake, he pulls it off. I mean, it's just a lot of fast-talk with not much singing, but it's an uptempo tune and he's engaging while performing it. There's some retarded beatboxing in it, but not till the very end.

Judges. Randy liked the Maroon 5 song better, but thought this was all right. Paula says Blake had three great performances. Simon really liked it, and he admires the fact that Blake takes risks. "Somebody's got a musical crush out here," says Seacrest snarks of Cowell. Ryan is a jealous bitch.

Clipfest. Melinda at home. She cries as the Governor reveals that the town has named a street after her. That is all. I'm not selling these things short -- they're literally 30 seconds long. Tomorrow, we'll get full length versions of these trips, so quite whinin'.

Melinda's last song, closing out the show, is I'm a Woman, which she sang in the last round of semi-finals. It's a good performance, but a really strange choice, given what the stakes are. Didn't Melinda make Paula cry when she sang Home during Diana Ross Week? Maybe she didn't want to put the whammy on herself by singing that one, but ha-ha, anyway, Melinda. Not that I'm hinting at what might happen in the next episode. Not at all.

So there's strutting and spelling. I appreciate a song with spelling in it, almost as much as I do one with hand-clapping in it. Go listen to Mickey. See how good? That's how Friends stayed on the air so long. There was hand-clapping in the theme tune. Melinda remembers her roots and gives the back-up singers their due as they step to the front and sing their bit. Two of them are dressed like they work at the Hellfire Club. The third didn't get the sex-kitten memo.

Judges. Randy remembers when Melinda sang this song the last time. He can go back a whole two months in his mind. Talent! He says it was hot. Paula loves that Melinda is in the spotlight and celebrating her whole journey. "Hiccup!" Simon: "If I'm gonna award a place in the final to the person who has consistantly delivered, week after week, it's you." So...round three to Melinda, I guess.

A quick prediction from the judges. Randy sees a girl/girl finale, so beat your box outta here, Blake! Paula wants everybody to stay and win and live in a pretty treehouse with talking butterflies and flowers that fall from rainbows. Simon wants to see "his girl, Melinda" in the finale. Hee.

We're almost at the end, folks. Tomorrow night, an Idol goes home and we're down to the final two!

Whew!
---Frank