Bionic Woman: Episode One

Spare the parts, spoil the superhero

by Frank Pittarese

It's 4:28 a.m., and a bunch of armored soldier-ish types are rushing down a long underground corridor. The floor is littered with dead bodies, all dressed in lab coats. From the blood splatter, they seem to have died from some kind of head trauma. I get a little excited, because corpses plus head trauma means zombies--and if this show has zombies in it, I'll take back every terrible thing I've ever said about it. (Update: there are no zombies in this show, so I remain hateful.)

The armored guys, led by a non-armored asian dude, arrive at their destination: a small, dark lab full of tiny animal cages. Also in the room is a blonde chick in a hospital gown, squatting over another corpse. There's blood everywhere. A close-up of the chick reveals that she's Katee Sackhoff, who plays Starbuck on the dreadful Battlestar Galactica remake. Those same folks were kind enough to bring us this hollow shell of a show, so we all owe them a debt of thanks and a swift kick to the nards.

"I didn't want to," she says. None of us ever do, honey. Asian Dude says he knows. Then Starbuck says, "Tell me you love me," before launching herself across the room at him, all rabid-crazy-like. Asian Dude shoots her--apparently in the head, just remember that later, continuity hounds--and tells her he loves her.

Cut to a crowded club, three years later, in San Francisco. Jamie Sommers, the not-yet-Bionic Woman, is our bartender for the evening. We know it's her because she appeared in commercials for this very show with the words "Bionic Woman" under her face. Way to spoil the outcome, NBC! "We're outta Stoli," she shouts at Random Guy, and then we cut to her in an elevator. Damn, just when I was getting into the whole bartender thing. Did she ever get that Stoli? I need to know!!

Inside Jamie's apartment, a teenager sleeps on the couch. She must have sat through this episode, because it certainly put me out. Jamie covers the kid. Cut to the next morning, as Jamie wakes up to the blaring sound of rock music dialed up to 11. She storms to the teen's room, whose name is Becca, by the way, and bangs on the door. Becca opens the door, and Jamie bitches about the music being too loud. About which, I would agree.

Becca turns off the tunes. Now Jamie wants to know why Becca's door was locked. I want to know why Becca's door has a deadbolt on it--the kind you use on your front door--as well as a chain lock. Is Becca the fucking Wolfman? Jamie finds a modem cable and wants to know where Becca's computer is, because she "isn't allowed to be near a computer that's connected to a phone line." I guess wireless is okay then. People and their technology issues. Becca gets snotty, to indicate that she's a troubled teen, and the minute Jamie is gone, she goes to her window and reels in a laptop, which is hanging outside in a netted bag. If this kid can't have a computer, where did she get a computer? And who is she in relation to Jamie? Her daughter? Her cousin? Her butler? Tell me!

Jamie drives the iPod-wearing kid to school. For someone whose guardian is a bartender, this kid has a lot of tech. "That's not real food," Jamie snaps, as Becca eats some unseen substance. It could be chalk for all we know. "You're not a real mom," Becca retorts. It's wonderful to have such pleasant, likeable characters gracing my screen. And does this mean that Becca is Jamie's daughter? Step-mom? See what I mean?!?

They argue about "dad" dropping Becca off at Jamie's doorstep before getting outta Dodge. So they're sisters, after all. Clarity does appear in this episode--but I'd better check the IMDB to confirm. Becca brats her way out of the car, and Jamie sourpusses at the kid. I love these endearing characters. I want to be their friend.

Now some young professor-type is giving a lecture about plastic surgery and reconstruction. He shows slides of a car bomb victim, an amputee, and a pair of breasts, post-enhancement. Jamie enters just as Professor Slideshow is questioning when it's okay "to intervene in God's work." Ah. Foreshadowing is in this episode, too. Clarity must have gotten it the job. Incidentally, this class covers the topic of "bio-ethics."

Exposition makes an appearance, as we learn Professor Slideshow's name is Will, and that he's both a professor and a surgeon. Jamie informs us that she's a bartender and a dropout. They're a couple. One completely lacking in chemistry if this scene is any indication. They kiss, as the script indicates.

Later, at home, Jamie preps for night out. Becca whines about it being insulting to be left with a babysitter. "Last time I left you alone, you started a fire," Jamie says. What is the deal with this kid? Becca's "babysitter" is plural. They're jamie's friends; two nameless hot chicks we never see again.

At dinner with Will, he blah-blahs about a grant coming through and wanting Jamie to come with him to Paris. But since every party has a pooper, jamie takes this moment to announce that she's pregnant. Will says they've been dating for five months and fourteen days, and when he met Jamie, it was love at first sight. That's everything one needs to raise a child, isn't it? A few months of dating, a vague notion of romance, and parenthood, he we come! He proposes marriage, right on the spot.

Driving home, Will wants to name the kid Coltrane if it's a boy, or Billie if it's a girl. As someone who plans on naming my first child Enzo, after a cartoon character, I'm not fit to criticize. The name game comes to a halt as a truck come barreling into the car from the passenger side. The car twists, tosses, turns, and tumbles--but it doesn't explode like they did in the 1970's, and that's a damn shame. TV isn't what it used to be. Starbuck steps out of the truck, like the Terminator. She drove into the car on purpose! Evil! Oh, and it looks like that gunshot to the head healed nicely.

Quick shots: Bloody Jamie on a stretcher, bandaged and in a neck brace. Chopper sounds. "Massive internal bleeding," says a woman. "Extensive crush injuries to right arm and both legs," says a man. Will, also bloody, promises Jamie it'll be okay. Understatement.

Instead of to a hospital, Jamie is flown to the Wolf Creek Biotech Research Facility, also known as the Top Secret Place of Sinister Robotics. There's lots of operating room action, and the writers do their best imitation of an ER episode. "BP's falling. Asystolic." Stuff like that. There's no fetal heartbeat, either. So much for the Bionic Baby. By the way, Will is directing the surgery himself. He's scrapped up, but not so much that he can't operate.

All of a sudden, Miguel Ferrer shows up. He and Molly Price, who played Officer Yokus on Third Watch, are riding down into the depths of Sinister Robotics expositioning at each other about how they don't have the authority to stop Will, who "has full clearance." They go to an observation room to watch Jamie's surgery. Miguel Ferrer tells Yokus that the operation and the patient don't exist, and they can "terminate later, if need be." On the operating table, Jamie flashes back to seeing Starbuck, driving the truck. Or maybe she just likes the Galactica remake and is having fond memories.

Meanwhile, Starbuck goes to a sleazy apartment building to find a guy stitching up a huge gash in his forearm. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned," she says, all sexy. Open wounds are such a turn-on, don't you agree? The guy wants to know if she killed "him," indicating that Will was the target of the crash. Starbuck says it was like a ride at Disneyland, and then, seriously, they talk about Disneyland. Stitch kisses her, and she says, "Tell me you love me." Last time she said that, she got shot in the head. Here, she and Stitch start to do the business. Does anybody on this show have a name? Really, people.

Jamie wakes up in a hospital room. Her eye is bandaged. Will is there, still in his scrubs. He tells her about the accident and the dead baby, but Jamie suddenly realizes she can't feel her legs, so never mind the stupid dead baby. She can't feel her arm, either. Will informs her that both her legs, her right arm, her right ear, and her right eye all had to be replaced. Then he technobabbles about how "anthrocytes" have replaced one-eighth of her blood cells. Jamie looks at her hand, which looks normal, except for the glowy bits flashing up and down the inside of her forearm.

Will removes Jamie's eye-bandage, revealing that her face is unblemished. Then Jamie wigs out and whips off the sheet covering her legs. We see that the glowy effect is in full force. Her legs are semi-transparent, and various mechanics and electrical charges are surging through them. She screams her head off and bionically shoves Will across the room. About the shoving: there's no doot-doot-doot sound effect, like on the original series. This show, like Galactica, goes to great lengths to prove how shamed it is by its origins. Anyway, a nurse comes in and sedates Jamie. Lights out.

Lights on. Jamie wakes up. She checks out her legs, which look normal. "It was a dream," she says. Except for the big crack in the glass of her room's door, where she flung Will. Speaking of whom, Professor Slideshow enters, dressed in his civvies, with his arm in a cast. He explains that the bionics enhance human strength. No duh. Jamie is all, "Why did you do this to me?"

Here's what's ridiculous. Jamie had no legs, a missing arm, no eye, and a jank ear. Now she'll have super-speed, super-strength, super-vision, and a reason to wear her hair short. She has two of everything and looks completely normal. For Jamie to be crying about this...just shut the fuck up, Jamie.

Here's what's annoying. In the original series, Jamie was actually happy to have bionic parts. It meant she could have a normal life. Ya know, walking around, seeing, hearing. These are all good things. Plus, she could super-jog with Steve Austin. He doesn't exist in this show, because it's ass, but my point is, this jamie, like that one, could show some enthusiasm here. I, as a viewer, take my cue from her. And if she doesn't want bionics...if she's gonna whine about it...well, maybe I don't want to watch her have bionics.

Jamie cries like Will just attached a tit to her forehead, and we go to commercial.

Obtuse Scenes of Mystery: Yokus and an army guy drive along a woody stretch of road. Could be Canada. Might be Alaska. Asian Dude from the beginning of the show is driving a small boat. He finds Yokus waiting for him at the pier. At this point, neither of these characters have been given names, so now and forever, they will be Yokus and Asian Dude.

I guess Yokus went to fetch Asian Dude for a meeting at Sinister Robotics. Next thing we see, she and he are all sitting in a dark room, along with Will and a bunch of suits, discussing Jamie. Jamie's middle name is Wells, like Dr. Rudy Wells from the original series. Don't get excited. He's not in this. Jamie also has a sealed court record from 1998. Miguel Ferrer wants it unsealed. Yokus thinks Jamie is "a good candidate." For something. Yokus gives a whole bunch of reasons to support her position: Jamie is stable, her relationship with her sister indicates loyalty, etc. Yokus must be the resident shrink. Or maybe she's just a busybody.

Miguel Ferrer wants Asian Dude to train Jamie. Asian Dude's name is Jae--but too late, writers! Will and Asian Dude start bickering because Asian Dude "played house with the last one." Specifically, he means Starbuck. Also, maybe it's just me, but if Will and Jamie are dating and (possibly) engaged, wouldn't that qualify as "playing house"? Will must have received his bio-ethics degree from the Pot & Kettle School of Hypocritica.

Asian Dude implies that he wants to kill Jamie, like a wolf or a dog. I have no idea what he's talking about. Then he gets in Will's face, talking about Will's father, who "seemed normal, too." Except for that time he wore a bra and panties to dinner at the White House. I jest. We're not told what the deal is with Will's father. Maybe he just had a stuttering problem.

And on to part 2 of the recap.