SwearBear's Pimp Daddy

Meet the guy who beat up the Care Bears

by Dave McAwesome

I met Aaron Tompkins years ago when SwearBears were a new and terrible force in the world. We made such an impression on each other that we've barely kept in touch since. He's the mastermind inventor behind SwearBears, cute li'l bears who curse like linebackers. Today he is the first interviewee on Maximum Awesome. Lucky bastard.

Dave: Talk about the genesis of SwearBear.

Aaron: Ahhhhh...SwearBear!...I woke up one morning and I thought of the name. For years prior I was a toy inventor, so coming up with ideas was what I did everyday. SwearBear was different. It was one of those "aha!" ideas--an idea whose time had come...where it is to obvious for it's own good. We launched on the internet in 2000 with one cursing bear and viral flash e-card. Millions of viewers instantly were on us, and we sold out of our SwearBears plush very quickly! I would get phone calls all day from all sorts of people, teens, grandmas and all sorts of nut jobs wanting a SwearBear!

Dave: The video clips are positively obscene. Congratulations. Will we be seeing more?

Aaron: Hell yeah! We just inked a deal with KPI-TV to produce all sorts of media for SwearBears including a Network TV puppet show for SwearBears! Awesome! SwearBear, BeerBear, porno panda, Boobjob Bear, Cock Rock Teddy and RedNeck teddy cause havoc! Obscene havoc! Beware! TNT! Dynamite!

Dave: Do you still don the bear suit at special occasions?

Aaron: Ahaha! Funny....Haven't worn it since 2001 When I got in a fight with a security guard at Javitz Center in NYC! No one told me you need a permit to say "fuck you" to businees guys in a bear suit.

Dave: You get any girls while wearing that thing?

Aaron: Nope. But I did get away with screwing a squirrel when I was a little kid, I told my grandma she was over 18 so she was cool with it.

Dave: Admit it, sometimes in the dead of night you prop the empty bear suit up on a chair and talk to it.

Aaron: Nope, but I have been able to hear our SwearBears puppets talking to each other in my head. They live a life of their own when I'm not around.

Dave: Maybe it's just me, but here's what I'd do if I had a bear suit like that: I'd stuff it full of pillows and bubble wrap, then throw myself down a flight of stairs. You?

Aaron: My plan was to wear that suit and go to Times Square and screw with tourists, but I haven't had the chance.

Dave: True or false: Wearing a bear suit means never having to say you're sorry.

Aaron: Well, if you piss on somebody's face wearing it you may wanna say you are sorry, I probably would..

Dave: In the pantheon of animal suit costumes, where does the bear rank?

Aaron: Bear is number 1. Bears have the fattest cocks of all animals, it's proven fact that a teddybear's cock is twice as wide as an elephant's cock. True, a guy on the subway told me that!

Dave: Did you ever beat up the guy in the Pikachu costume? Or is he and his Pokemon friends part of the animal suit mafia?

Aaron: If we had a chance we would get that guy trapped down and get the blow torch out and fry up his knob to a crisp....

Dave: Is Wal-Mart afraid to carry your product? Why?

Aaron: Hell yeah! They won't let SwearBears into Walmart. Will be a dark day in hell!

Dave: Do you ever get complaint letters from idiot parents who didn't understand what the product was when they bought it?

Aaron: Yup. Phone calls, emails, all sorts of things...Most people get it and think it's fuckin' hilarious: "The Razor Blade in the Apple." We are proud of SwearBears!

Dave: How did this CBs event come about?

Aaron: Ummmm....We wanted to do a Custom figure show in NYC to give unheard artists a chance to customize a cool figure...And we are from NYC so we are big fand of CBGB's...so we though a "swear to save" CBGB's show would be cool! SwearBears is Punk Rock so we went right for the jugular: CBGB's, the home of Punk rock!

Dave: What is your favorite SwearBear product? Least favorite?

Aaron: Hmmm...Well the SwearBears TV show is the best! We are pushing this show to next level to satisfy all the fans! My least favorite...shit....I love it all. If we approve a SwearBears item you know that it's cool! We don't fuck around!

Dave: Which CareBear has the best chance to beat up a SwearBear in a fight?

Aaron: No comment.

Dave: Plug yer shit...

Aaron: Shit....Peep SwearBear.com, We have new action figures and new plush coming out! join the SwearBear Army muthafuckas!

Dave: Also check out Aaron's Swear to Save art show to save CBGB's--150 Rock Poster artists customize SwearBear figures. Begins Feb. 14th.