Phantom Surfers Interview

by Jim, a.k.a. Dr. Craw

Dave's note: Jim, a.k.a. Dr. Craw runs a hardcore record label named Dirtbag Productions. He's a friend of mine and threw me a couple of finely aged interviews when I started up a punk zine way back when. (A zine, in case you don't know, is a self-published print magazine that's much more difficult to make than a blog--and is, therefore, better. Sorry, but I still believe that something "good" ought to involve obstacles, sleepless nights and hard work. I'm old fashioned that way--and a bit of a prick.) One of his interviews was with the Phantom Surfers. They're a surf band. They don't have a vocalist. It's all instrumental. This is an important fact to remember near the end of the interview. The pay-off is quite funny. Anyway, Jim, a.k.a Dr. Craw, has an amusing tendency to jump all over the map when he's talking. The interview captures that quite nicely and I've done nothing to alter it. If you feel like you're reading a string of non sequiturs, it's because you are. Off we go then...

Preamble
In 1995 I had the brilliant idea to do a fanzine to be called Bad Egg Sample. Like so many of my other brilliant ideas, nothing came of it. I did a bunch of interviews with some great bands so when Dave asked if I had anything for a zine, I dredged up these oldies. If anybody tries to steal the name Bad Egg Sample, I'll break your legs.

The instrumental surf band Phantom Surfers are Mel Bergman (guitar), Mike Lucas (bass), Danny Seelig (drums), and Johnny Bartlett (guitar). Z-Unknown and I interviewed them at CBGBs in April 1995. I intended to ask more questions relating to music, such as: "How do you feel about the popularization of surf music--for example, Pulp Fiction's use of Dick Dale's "Miserlou." Instead, I got this.

Craw: So you hate surf music?
Mel: Yes, I hate surf music 'cause it's fucking boring. It's the most monotonous crap. That's it.
Craw: How the hell did you start listening to it?
Mel: 'Cause I was young and stupid and basically it was the only white suburban music where I was at.
Z-Unknown: Southern California.
Craw: You realize where we come from, it's hard for white suburban kids to find surf music.
Z-Unknown: It's hard for us on the east coast to surf, isn't it?
Mel: Actually, it is a true fact I've surfed three times in my life.
Danny: It's been my experience in an interview that somebody asked questions.
Craw: It's our first interview. Cut us some fucking slack.
Mel: Alright, journalism boy.
Johnny: Here we go. Starting now.
Mel: Why're you starting this fanzine?
Craw: 'Cause everything around here sucks.
Mel: Including surf music, see? I was fucking right, wasn't I? (laughter) Do you plan to have success with this fanzine?
Craw: No, just to entertain a couple of people.
Johnny: Are you gonna charge people for it or mail it to them free?
Craw: Well, I already mailed out a lot of records.
Mel: Why a fanzine instead of like a record label or something?
Craw: I am a record label.
Mel: Oh yeah? What's your label?
Craw: Dirtbag Productions.
Mel: Oh, Dirtbag. Right, right.
Craw: (sarcastic) Yeah, right, you know Dirtbag Productions.
Mel: So what are your future plans for this fanzine?
Craw: Interviews of bands. That and my own propaganda.
Mel: What's your propaganda?
Craw: Why do you think America's so violent?
Danny: The violence issue. See, that's cool 'cause now your fanzine is better--that's a hot topic.
Mel: The reason America's so violent, and I'll give it to you in two succinct parts: number one, baby boomers have wrecked the country. Right? Number two, there are way too many reissues of the Adrian and the Sunsets album available. That's the whole fuckin' thing right there.
Craw: So, where the hell are you guys from anyway?
Mel: Where're you from?
Craw: (unable to contain laughter) Long Island.
Mel: Long Island? Excellent. Hey, Mike, these guys want to know why America's so violent.
Mike: America. Land of the free. Home of the brave. It's because the cops are out looking for a fight.
Craw: We just got $250 drinking tickets in Hoboken.
Mel: You guys fucking deserved it 'cause you were drinkin' out in the streets, right?
Craw: We were drinkin' on the streets all night.
Mel: Yeah, but you were in Hoboken. You were fuckin' with the Man.
Mike: You know how much booze you could put away in a bar in Hoboken for $250?
Mel: A fuckin' lot.
Craw: We should've just come right in.
Mike: They were trying to keep the neighborhood businesses strong. There's violence in America 'cause they keep cutting money from schools. By the way, did you know 'Phantom Surfers' is the Greek word for 'quality?'
Craw: Really? Did you know that Philadelphia is the oldest, continually inhabited city on Earth?
Mel: What the fuck does that have to do with your fanzine?
Craw: I don't know.
Mike: What do you mean, continuously inha--
Danny: (interrupts and grabs the tape recorder) Bullshit!
Craw: Damascus, in Syria, is Philadelphia. The Greek word for Damascus is Philadelphia. What the fuck does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
Mel: Do you know where China is?
Craw: Yeah, sout--

(frightening garble; massive sound loss)

Z-Unknown: Oh my god! You killed the recorder! You killed my recorder!
Mel: Mike, seriously, tell them why you love surf music so much.
Mike: First, I just, I just--...there's just no way I could go on without...I'm just overcome and have to express my appreciation at finally being taken seriously in getting an interview with some real seasoned pros.
Mel: You know, these guys are kind of the Arvy Archin of the scene. You know what I'm saying, man? Basically, here's the whole thing, fellas, the whole key to success in show business is...
Mike: Monkeys.
Danny: Monkeys.
Mel: Chimps and midgets. Everybody loves chimps and midgets.
Z-Unknown: What do you think about mimes?
Mike: Mime? I hate 'em. Of course.
Z-Unknown: (referring to band that played earlier) What'd you think of that caveman crap?
Mel: What's wrong with it? It was a schtick.
Mike: It was a schtick.
Z-Unknown: It was schtick!
Mel: (says something about George Thorogood)
Z-Unknown: Well, George Thorogood sucks.
Mike: George Thorogood with schtick is better than George Thorogood without schtick.
Z-Unknown: What the hell is this 'schtick' shit?
Mike: You're sitting a stone's throw away from the Carnegie Deli and you have to ask what schtick is?
Mel: Hold on a second, let's ask them a question here. Why do you guys like the Phantom Surfers? It certainly isn't because of the music. It's because we have the fuckin' stupid outfits. It has nothing to do with the music, and you guys are buying into some fuckin' hokey...thing that we're doing. It's a bunch of crap.
Z-Unknown: I dig the fuckin' hokey thing.
Mike: That's schtick.
Mel: By the way, we're gonna do a little sight seeing tomorrow. Do you guys know how to get uh, we want to get to uh--The Brooklyn Bridge. Do you guys know how to give us directions?
Z-Unknown: Downtown. (Dr. Craw points south.)
Mel: Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?
Z-Unknown: Uptown.
Mike: So there you have it. The entire story of surf music from A to Z. It was born in a tiny log cabin in Bethlehem.
Craw: Yo, is California full of left-wing artsy, fartsy New-York-haters as we really think and read in fanzines?
Mike: Umm, it's full of them and...like anyplace else, it's full of morons. It's probably got more than its fair share of flaky, left-wing morons, but its also got a lot of incredible right-wing morons. There are very ffew people who would actually think of themselves who would buy into something else.
Z-Unknown: So morons are spread equally across the political spectrum.
Mike: Hopefully they'll wipe each other out. The thing I like about San Francisco is that it's filled with genuine kooks. Not just mimes: genuine, out and out loony tunes. And some of them hold political office.
Sound guy: Hey, are you guys the Phantom Surfers?
Mike: Yes.
Sound guy: I'm here for the sound check. So, how many vocals up front?
Mike: Eight.
Danny: Give me 24, if you'd like.
Mel: But I think what you guys need is three.
Sound guy: Okay. Two up front and one for the drummer? Or all three across?
Mel: All three across.
Mike: All three across.
Sound guy: Alright.
Mike: Drummer doesn't say anything.
Mel: He's a fuckin' mute.
Mike: The sultan cut his tongue out.
Sound guy: Okay. You're not using any of those amps in the back?
Mel: No, I fuckin' hate those amps.
Mike: Throw those shits out.
Z-Unknown: Yeah, fuck 'em, man.
Mel: Now did anybody talk to you about us setting up a half-pipe on stage?
Sound guy: Oh, yeah, yeah, I think that's okay.
Mel: 'Cause we're motherfuckin' skate punks.
Sound guy: Okay.