First time visiting? Right. So. The first thing we need is all your cash. After you've handed over all your cash and credit cards and deeds, titles, etc. and amended your will appropriately, then let us say, "Welcome aboard."

If you want to hit the highlights of the site, check out The War on the Floor, my epic tale about the action figures I grew up with. In humble ode, I pit them against each other in mortal combat. With pictures!

Ha haaaa! Has the hilarity ensued yet? No? For an even stranger brand of comedy, check out the time I ran for Pope. Not only do I have the pictures and funny words to tell the tale, I also have full motion video.

Uh oh, I seem to have confused and/or offended you. Hop on over to the Advice section, called Quite Frankly. Frank will answer any relationship and sex questions you may have. There's even a 50/50 chance he won't openly mock you. Can't beat those odds, I say.

Let's wrap up the tour then, shall we? The Dave section is where Dave deposits his columns. Some people think he's funny. Others just hit the "back" button. Section 2 is our best-named section. We put up shorter bits up here, plus stuff that doesn't fit into the other sections.

Over at Blog Thunderdome is a vicious little section devoted to angering the world's blogging population.

Maximum Ethics, part of the advice section, is our prestige section where we try to class up the joint with a scintillating discussion on modern day mores. Pfft, just kidding. We act like idiots there too. Unlike Frank's advice column, we're more than 80% likely to make fun of your problem here.

Mediarama is our handy area where we keep our audio and video funniness. With all our new-found video editing technology, it's a wonder we haven't turned this into a porn site.

Toyville is something near and dear to our hearts. We get to discuss the most important thing in the world: toys. For a second there, you thought we might say "world peace." Sorry. We're horrible people. We know.

Don't forget: On our home page we have a search feature. This is very handy in case you missed a few articles due to binge drinking or prison.

Still confused? Help is on the way. Ask whatever you'd like in our forum. You can even participate in our thought-provoking conversations on...um...well, you can participate in our conversations.

There's also a directory in case you have a website and want to get listed. Don't cost nothin...so...good for you, I guess.

Oh, and of course read up on the About page for the FAQ and tidbits about what makes this site tick. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. No matter. Off you go.