Identity crisis

by Dave McAwesome and Magnum, Ph.D.

Q: Dear righteous do-gooders,

Bit of a self identity problem here. I had an accident recently involving a wobbly ladder and the working end of a Black and Decker rotary tool. After an extensive (and expensive) hospital stay, I learned that a fair chunk of my brain had to be removed. I'm okay now and function as normal both physically and psychologically (give or take the odd memory or three). The bastard of it is that somehow these wily doctors kept that hunk of head sausage alive and kickin by some combination of neurolectric impulses and protein slurry. On a lark, they stuck it into the brain pan of a recently deceased fellow in the next room who had come to an unfortunate encounter with a light pole on his Kawasaki ZX-10R Ninja.

The bugger lived.

I couldn't resist meeting the lucky stiff, and we became fast friends. It turns out we have the same tastes, dislikes, friends, even memories. In fact, I dare say we're not psychologically different.

Jump ahead a few months, if you will. We share a two bedroom apartment. Every week, I buy a box of Twinkies. For me. But this guy horns in and eats half of them without blinking. He won't pay for his own because, as he keeps saying, "I'm you. You've already paid for them. Therefore, so have I." Damnation, I say. I'm me. He's stealing MY Twinkies. And if the situation doesn't improve, I will not hesitate to break out the ol' Black and Decker rotary tool.

--Trouble in Twinkie-ville

A: The clarity of ethical issues is greatly enhanced by couching the problem in terms of Twinkies or Twinkie-related matters. That much is without debate.

Meanwhile, you've got y'self a thorny issue, bub. Except for this one simple fact: you've got the receipt. The 'you' with the receipt gets the Twinkies. Case closed.

Cool. We just solved a troublesome issue in both the fields of ethics AND philosophy of mind. Pretty spiffy.