Book crook

by Dave McAwesome and Magnum, Ph.D.

Q: Dear moralizing freaks,

While waiting for a train, I noticed someone left a book unattended. The station was empty and no one claimed the book. As the train approached, I took it—not for the lost and found, mind you, but for my own literary pleasure. The book was A Man in Full by Tom 'white suits are the source of my wit' Wolfe. In hardback.

Should I cower at the impending flames of hell?

A: To our hellbound librarian,

First of all, if we can step outside the 'ethics' world for a moment and into the 'aesthetics' one, let's just say that your taste in found books is excellent. If we were to find an abandoned book, our first choice is also A Man in Full by Tom 'how do I get Merlot out of white twill?' Wolfe. So kudos to you.

But you seek our expert advice in the highly trafficked field of expert advice giving. Clearly, this book was a troubled one. Broken home, parents always fighting, perhaps a dalliance with the ol' wacky tobacky. It was a cry for help. Clearly. And, so, alone and shivering in a cold train station without so much as a winter dust jacket, you took in this poor creature to your warm hearth and reading lamp. Snuggling under a thick wool blanket, you crack the first page...It snicks sharply after years of neglect. You, my dear sir, have done literature a favor. We bow to you.

As we mentioned, if we were to find an abandoned book, we hope it will be A Man in Full. But lo! Which one of us would keep it? Two of us and one book? "Finders keepers," one of us shouts. The other answers with a swift right hook to the jaw. "That's dirty pool, old man!" Such an ethical dilemma can only be solved by a rousing contest of Ro Sham Bo. Once, twice, three...shoot!