Sermon on the Couch

Part 1, War on the Floor II

The Rise and Fall of Zombie Pope

by Dave McAwesome

Narrator: On a sparkling, late-summer morning in Toyville, Zombie Pope summoned people far and wide to attend his first post-Romero sermon. Requiring a spacious assembly area for his would-be charges, he smiled when he climbed atop the generous expanse that is Dave's couch. "This will do," he thought, wiping sacred zombie ooze off his brow. In short order, the cushions filled with potential followers: G.I. Joes, M.A.S.K., even McFarlane samurai.


Zombie Pope: ...and so Jesus turned the water to wine.
Duke: So what? I'm pretty sure Snake Eyes can do that.
ZP: Pardon?
Duke: He's a ninja. Ninjas can do pretty much anything.
ZP: This was a miracle of our lord and savior.
Duke: I dunno, chief. Ninjas are pretty damn miraculous.

ZP: Shall I refer you to John 6:10 where Jesus feeds the crowd with a few small parcels of stale bread and fish? I seriously doubt there is a comparable miracle-producing ability inherent in ninjitsu.
Duke: You ever see a ninja climb a sheer wall? That, my friend, is a miracle.
ZP: Blasphemer.
Narrator: The argument continued for hours. It had neither the import nor the academic pedigree of the Russell/Copleston debates, but it DID have ninjas and that's gotta count fer something. Suddenly, out of the sky...

ZP: What's the manner of this?
Thor: I'm not sure if thou knowest, but the fact that you walk the earth again is an affront not just to my sense of smell but to your own religion.
ZP: What of it? Chicks dig rotted flesh.
Thor: No they don't.
ZP: You're right. They don't.
Thor: Let's go, chief. I gotta take yer sorry ass to Hades.
ZP: Looks like someone's got frostbite of the ol' noggin. Wrong mythology, my furry norseman.
Thor: Typical. Your stuff is a 'religion.' My stuff is a 'mythology.' Look, I don't hang with the Zeus crowd. That's true. But I lost a bet with Hades, and the only way I can get my hammer back is to bring him a choice soul. You Vatican types got street cred, so I figure you'll do nicely.

ZP: Go tell Jupiter or Odin or whoever you answer to, "No dice."

Proceed to part 2, A punch is thrown. Feelings are hurt.
Or go back to the main War on the Floor page.