Valentine's Day poem...of doom!

Based on the four most romantic songs ever, this must be the most romantic poem ever.

by Dave McAwesome

Valentine's Day is rough. It's hard to put your heartfelt feelings under the hackneyed poem in a Hallmark card. Once again, I'm going to solve your Valentine's woes with this epic mash note composed solely from the lyrics of the (supposedly) most romantic songs ever written. Each word is pulled from one of the following five super-romantic songs.

"Sexual Healing" performed by Marvin Gaye
"Your Body is a Wonderland" performed by John Mayer (or Jason Mraz...I'll give you 10 ducats if you can tell them apart)
"Wicked Game" performed by Chris Isaak
"No Ordinary Love" performed by Sade
"Beat Me Senseless" by The Circle Jerks

Okay, okay...I won't use the Circle Jerks song. That's too easy. I'd lead by changing "Your body is a wonderland" to "Your body is a suit of lead." Where's the challenge? I'm sure I can come up with some good nonsense without them. I set one more rule: No word is used more than it originally appears, i.e. if "emotional" only appears once in all the songs, then I can only use it once. I chose the songs at random, and I didn't have anything prewritten beforehand. For all I know, this could've been a terrific disaster. Fortunately, the original lyrics were awful enough to twist into:

Your ordinary sexual wonderland game

by Dave McAwesome

Like an oven rising in the waves, you are just strange.
Your big plan was to operate on a baby.
I gave you all that I have--
Wake up and make me some candy.
No honey though, 'cos your behind is, like, wicked big, you know?

Your body is capsizing the bed.
Your tongue makes me sick.
No ordinary medicine can save me.
Something 'bout the way your skin is crawling...

I can't hold it much longer.
I never dreamed I'd want to break your bubblegum head.
Your heart is falling. Mine is swimming in fire--
A fire that will rush up every inch of your body.
It will hurt.

I want to take all of your blankets,
Grab hold of you, and leave you bound for a while
...down in the deep blue sea
...without a telephone.

Wasn't that sweet? I certainly thought so. If you want to check that I didn't cheat, here are the original lyrics. The "Sexual Healing" lyrics are hilarious. I don't know why people use this for their weddings like it's so, so romantic. If you never heard it before, you'd think it was a Weird Al Yankovic riff off some other sappy R&B number. The Chris Isaak song? This would've faded into obscurity without the video. Topless chick on a beach. It doesn't excuse the fact that the rest of the album was pretty weak. Pretend for a second that you never heard the Sade song before and try reading the lyrics aloud with a straight face. Essentially, it is several repeating variations on the following two sentences: "I gave you no ordinary love baby. Keep crying, trying, flying." And let's face it, The Circle Jerks rule.

"Sexual Healing" lyrics by Marvin Gaye, David Ritz and Odell Brown

Ooh, now let's get down tonight
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual healing baby, is good for me
Sexual healing is something that's good for me
Whenever blue teardrops are falling
And my emotional stability is leaving me
There is something I can do
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you'll be there to relieve me
The love you give to me will free me
If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's Sexual Healing
Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let's make love tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, 'cos you do it right
Baby I got sick this morning
A sea was storming inside of me
Baby I think I'm capsizing
The waves are rising and rising
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
My baby ohhh
Come take control, just grab a hold
Of my body and mind soon we'll be making it
Honey, oh we're feeling fine
You're my medicine open up and let me in
Darling, you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate

"Your Body is a Wonderland" lyrics by John Mayer

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland

"Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.

No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,

I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.

No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.

"No Ordinary Love" lyrics by Sade Adu

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love

I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love

When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile

Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love

I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby

This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love

Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I'm falling

I'm falling

Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling

"Beat Me Senseless" lyrics by The Circle Jerks

I'd swim the oceans in a suit of lead
You'd stand there throw rocks at my head
Cut me open; watch me bleed
Is this what you really need

Beat me senseless
Beat me senseless

Twist my arms; break my bones
Make me lie on burning coals
Kick my legs; punch my nose
Break my will; don't take my soul

No pain; No gain
Come on do it again
Rocks my brain
Driving me insane

I'm a man down on my knees
Now i'm hurt- now i'm crying
Swallow fire- walk on glass
Throw me to the lions; I want you back
Beat me senseless