Dear Strawberry Shortcake

The sweetest girl in the snack aisle turns 30

by Dave McAwesome

Dear Strawberry Shortcake,

What’s up, baby? I know, I know. You’re turning the big three-oh soon, and that’s probably stressing you out. Stay cool, girl. No reason to let them wrinkle lines gain purchase on your fine freckly cheeks. I’m here for ya, baby, and I’m ready to settle down with you on a quiet suburban cooking tray.

That whole fling with Blueberry Muffin? Don’t mean nuthin. Oh, sure, she puts up a buttery front, but inside...inside she’s dry and stale. You probably thought, “Blueberry just stole the one man who really knew how to spread my frosting.” I’m here to say, “Strawberry Shortcake, you are the only dessert I need in this great big seven-course meal we call life.”

I know you think turning 30 means the end of fun and that you’re starting to hear the tick tick tick of your biological cooking timer, but we can make this work. Together. I don’t want to sound too forward, but I could definitely see ourselves with a couple of little muffins and cupcakes running around.

I’ve got you in the number three position on my MySpace between Cobra Commander and Kitt from Knight Rider. If everything pans out between us, I could see you moving up to number two or even the first spot in my Top 8.

Think about it. Let’s meet for drinks and frosting. This could be the start of something berry, berry special.

xoxoxo,
Dave McAwesome
October 6, 2006