Don't cry, Wolverine, don't cry

A gift guide for Toyville.

by Dave McAwesome

Hi Hawk, I said, at the Joe's new base: a box buried in my home office. Sorry for getting you shot in the head in War on the Floor I. You've rehabbed really, really well. "Thanks! Who knew getting shot in the head at close range with a high powered pistol wasn't a big deal as long as the bullets missed your brain?" Well, I guess not if your brain is extremely sma...Anyway, how're the Joes doing in terms of needing a new Captain?

"I think we're okay personnel-wise. The infirmary is packed with guys who bust their elastic band connecting their torso to their legs, but otherwise we're okay." (That joke's only funny if you played with the early 80s figures. If you didn't, you probably grew up on Magic cards, in which case I pity you.)

Sure, but what if it was a guy from space! "A Space Captain?!? That sounds promising. You know we have this Space Shuttle..." Ugh, don't remind me. That was the death of the toyline.

"I could grant him a commission if you could get me some love advice from Wolverine." Oh, man, I see where this day is going. "There aren't many girls here. I'm so starved for affection that I hugged my laptop last night for warmth. I'm...lonely, and Wolverine is--he's just so--so sensitive." Jesus, you've been watching X-men: The Last Stand again. I told you not to watch that crap. And b, women don't respond to that. But whatever, loan me a R.A.M.P. motorcycle will ya? I gotta go to upstate New York. "Only if Wolverine helps me." You're making me take the bus? You suck, Hawk.

Ninety-seven hours and three engine repairs later, the bus pulled up to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. Wolverine was in back setting up a tea set he'd just gotten from Amazon.

Me: Hey guy, what's that?
Wolverine: Nothing, nothing. Er, so I've been thinking about your request since you emailed me.
Me: Speaking of which, is that a mauve iPhone?
Wolverine: No, no, it's called Bruising Purple.
Me: Uh huh.
Wolverine: I'll conjure up some pickup lines for your bud, but first I want a Detroit Lion Super Bowl win.
Me: Oh, ask for the moon why dontcha! C'mon, cut me a break. My sideburns are almost as big as yours.
Wolverine: Okay. I can think of something else, but it's gotta be badass enough to keep up my intimidating persona.
Me: Dude, intimidating persona? Like Hugh Jackman weeping every time he opened a bottle of Wussy Cola?
Wolverine: Do not. Mention. That name.
Me: I can't wait until the Lifetime Channel debuts Wolverine: The tale of a sensitive boy who finds both love and unspeakable grief as he reveals his tender metrosexual side.
Wolverine: Okay, okay, how 'bout a lightsaber?
Me: Guest starring John Tesh as Professor X.
Wolverine: A red lightsaber.
Me: Premieres right after Army Wives.
Wolverine: With the pinkies of 30 dead Ewoks attached to the hilt.
Me: Are the pinkies stuffed inside the skull of Glenn Danzig?
Wolverine: That's the only way to do it, bub.
Me: Okay, that's badass.

Next stop: The Death Star.

Or go to the beginning.