Pastry utopianism
A gift guide for Toyville.
by Dave McAwesomeWhen push came to shove, I couldn't bring myself to visit Honey Pony Pastures. It's a silly place. Melon-flavored lawngrass. Heart-patterned aluminum siding. Even the weeds are a lovely shade of lavender. And scones? Scones are frickin everywhere! I picked up the phone instead. We exchanged pleasantries, and Strawberry Shortcake revealed that her new boyfriend, Boysenberry Beefcake, used the extra shopping day afforded by Super Awesome Day to buy her a diamond cinnamon filbert ring. But Strawberry wasn't happy with Boysenberry's crappy gifts. She felt he'd gotten lazy and complacent in the relationship.
"What I need," she said, "is a love note from some other guy to make Boysenberry jealous and put me tits deep in Gucci and pearls." Pearls? What are you, the Andrew Carnegie heiress? Okay, look, I said, I'll write a note for ya. "Oh please," she scowled (she scowled pretty loudly too; I heard the scowl over the phone). "Nobody's going to be jealous of some interweb guy." True. "Get me a note from Sven. Blue Lion Sven." The Voltron guy? Oh, come on, I pleaded. He was kicked off after season one! "Lance then." Ugh, Lance.
Lance was easy to find. He does "private" bachelorette parties and go-gos at various gay clubs under the name Lance Hardpants. Other than Keith "I'll form the head" Black Lion, being a Lion pilot doesn't exactly pay the bills. It's not one of those highly paid technically demanding positions. Mostly, you sit there, take orders from Keith, push a button and get shot a lot. Look at Princess Allura. She slipped very easily into the Blue Lion without any real Top Gun training. She's a monarch, for cryin out loud. Her prior flight experience was launching the maid off the east tower for failing to scrub the sex stains out of her sheets.
I told Lance the situation. I needed a mash note from him so I could get Strawberry Shortcakes underwear that I could trade for Brainy Smurf's glasses. Also Sven was Straw's first choice. "Oh, come on," he cried, "He was kicked off after season one! Damn, I mean, I thought maybe Keith, cuz people always liked that prick better, but Sven?" It was probably the accent. "He works at an amusement park now. He's one of those stuffed animal things make little kids cry while the parents take pictures. I'm the goddamn Red Lion!" Right, so, uh, hey, I took the trouble of writing up the note...If you could just put your John Hancock at the bottom...
"It's all Keith's fault. I should be flying the Black Lion. Do you know how many promotions and spokesman gigs he gets?" See, right here where it says, 'Lovingly yours.'
"Tons. The rest of us? Nuthin. That's where the real money is. Did anybody think maybe a line of my own shoes for Arus Sneakers would do just as well as Keith's?" Or maybe I could just scribble your name...Keith has his own line of sneakers?
"And they suck. I'll sign the note, but you gotta do something for me. Get me out of this dumbass outfit and into something legitimate. I want in on the G.I. Joe squad. Nothing less than Captain." That's not going to be easy, but luckily they have a really stupid general.
Next...G.I. Joe HQ. Or go to the beginning.
