Happy Super Awesome Day 2008

A gift guide for Toyville.

by Dave McAwesome

Although most of you will remember Super Awesome Day as the best new made-up holiday since Kwanza, many may be surprised to learn that horse-trading is a venerable tradition of the season ever since Mel Flugelburg received a horse from his uncle as a gift and--being a Manhattanite with no use for such things--traded it away for a pair of warm socks. This year I had a tough time getting gifts for the people in my life. A plastic shower cap with the New York Yankees logo doesn't quite have the personalized touch I require during the gift-giving process. I wanted something more unique, like a pair of really, really, really tiny glasses for a lizard in my yard. How fantastic he'd look. Very hipsterish, which is an extremely important trend among people who fill their mp3 players with terrible, obscure music in order to feel superior...and lizards. He could also use the tiny spectacles to focus deadly sun rays on his insect prey. Let me give you a tip: beetles taste a lot better fried than fresh.

To score some specs, I had to go to Smurf Village. Brainy Smurf said he could part with a pair, but first I had to get him something. That's fair, I said. It's the horse-traders' way. It's also the mobsters' way and the politicians' way. Sour company, I thought. "I want Strawberry Shortcake's panties," Brainy said. "Used." What happened to Smurfette, I asked, not wanting to walk all the way from Smurf Village to Honey Pony Pastures. Do you know how far that is? Mass transit is not up to snuff in Toyville, I'll say that.

"Smurfette? C'mon. The male to female ratio in Smurf Village is 100 to 1. I'm not going to crush on someone's sloppy seconds, or in this case sloppy twenty-seconds." Good point, I said. There's only, like, one dude in Honey Pony Pastures, I guessed, not having the heart to tell him Strawberry Shortcake and I had done the horizontal truffle a few years back. (She was decent in bed, but, y'know, she wasn't exactly Queen Marlena from the He-Man Masters of the Universe series. They don't call her Queen Eternia for nothing. True, she's a little older than 'Berry now, but back when she was just Princess Marlena, she was smokin. Think She-Ra but without the whole, "Eh, I don't have time to suck you off and save the world. Maybe later, m'kay?" attitude. We get it, She-Ra. You're busy. It's just that you look so tense, baby. *puts on soft music* Your shoulders could use a rubdown from my strong, masculine hands, and then...well, I'm getting off point.)

Next...Strawberry Shortcake.